Today I visited Rutgers. It was cool. First, I took the bus to NY; my dad picked me up from there. As we were driving through the city to get out, I noticed something funny. There was this one street with official city parking signs that said:

Don't
Even
THINK
Of
Parking
Here

Ahh... some good ol' NY attitude. The best thing was that a big van was parked right under one of them... heh heh.

Rutgers trip was good. I thought the projects there were interesting, they'd pay for my tuition plus a stipend, my brother lives right across the street from campus, and the professors seemed to be really open and to have a desire to create a good working atmosphere. Long sentence, sorry, but yeah, it seemed to be a good visit. I got to spend time with my father, and had some good sleep/reading/thinking/praying time on the bus rides to and back.

Ok, I must go study now.

Add!ct!0n t0 th3 !nt3rn3t? !n4mat!0n 0v3rfl0w.

50met!m35 !t c0mes to a sh0ck to me the extent that !'ve become addicted to the computer and the !nternet. Ever since our family f!rst got a computer right before ! entered 9th grade, I've been glued to a computer screen. At first, it was video games. I installed X-Wing and then Tie-Fighter, then Doom came around. Towards the latter part of 9th grade came the adv3nt of A0L... I must have used up 5 different free trials for the next couple of months, for each of the five credit cards my mom had. My friend at church Abe and I would go into chat rooms and meet all sorts of weird people. Throughout junior year, I would stay up late nights downloading video games...

! was h00k3d. Since then, I've not known life without a computer, besides some trips to places that I wouldn't have acces to one. I didn't necessary go through any withdrawal symptoms... but nowadays, I do. I just find myself "HAVING" to check my email, or making up excuses to go on the internet. Sometimes I just open up the web browser for no reason other than force of habit. I'm always onlin3. I have gigabytes of mp3s and movie files on my hard drives. I am the poster child of !nf0rmat!0n 0v3rfl0w.

I seriously think it's one of the root causes of my poor grades in the latter years of high school and all throughout college. I've noticed a serious deficit in my attention span since I got the computer, and it's not just because I'm getting older...

How can I remedy this? I really don't know how I can. One can't really survive in this world these days without an email address, without word processing, etc.... at least, in the engineering academic world into which I'm about to dive. The computer has become an indispensable tool of productivity in the modern age... but has it also become the centerpiece, an idol of beige plastic and glassbowl face? God, how do I overcome a habit that is almost 8 years in the making?

Anyhow, I have to go to sleep since I'm getting up at 5:30 AM to catch the 6:30 AM shuttle to peabody, to catch the 7:30 AM bus to NY.

Lord, I just blew my night preparing for this trip and worship this weekend. Where's the discipline in my life? Why did I end up spending so much time on the computer.... yet again? God, am I starting to slide down the hill again?

ARG. I'm planning my trip to Rutgers tomorrow, and it's complicated. I have to take a shuttle to Peabody, walk to the Greyhound, take bus to NY, walk to Penn Station, take the train down to New Brunswick, take the Rutgers shuttle to the professor's building, take it back, take train back, walk back to Port Authority, take bus back to Baltimore, hopefully get picked up by someone.

Some steps in there may be eliminated if my dad picks me up at NY... but it's still a big hassle.

This trip is going to cost time, money, energy, etc... God, why am I even going? Just so that I can know what Rutgers is going to offer?

Oh well.

Slightly tired and in pressure to get all my work done. The feeling of hopelessness keeps creeping in, to which I respond with apathy and laziness. Learning how to fight all this is no easy task, but I know that I must, for in the end I'm guaranteed victory, right?

Christ, continue to teach me what it means to truly believe that I'm Justified.

My computer has been turned back on, after a week of spare use. I think this week will be a weaning process... it will be on, but of the same spare use. Let's see if it will work. I'm trying to get to the point where it will simply be a tool for my life, as opposed to my life revolving around it.

Please pray for me.

7 AM small group. I actually woke up today; Sccott called while I was on the way to the shower stall. Or, was I dreaming that I was going to the shower stall?

Prioritize my life... Man Something that I really have to keep working on.

This week has been and will continue to be a killer... arg.

Today I spent the afternoon and evening at MSE (where I'm currently typing). Edmund's been here all day studying for a med school exam... it's been crazy. Danny, Edmund, Jimmy, Paul, and I have been pulling practical jokes on each other all day. Danny and I started it off by inverting Edmund's bookbag and leaving "You're a Dork" emblazoned on the screen of his laptop. Later that day, I found that Edmund had inverted my bag, and when I came back later again, I found he had stacked up all my books and notes into a 1.5' high tower. Later, he, Jimmy, and Paul inverted my bag and filled it with packing styrofoam peanuts.

There's more, but I'm too tired to type it out. I give Edmund all these free meals, and look what I get in return.

The games have just begun. Just wait and see what I'll do next.

Last night, I went back home to take a nap... and missed my lab. That means I'll get 50% taken off. The "nap" lasted till 9... after eating and checking email, I went to the library and studied, then went to HAC and picked out the setlist for Friday night.

Man, this semester is getting worse and worse. I'm really frustrated with how things have been turning out, especially since it's my fault and I have no valid excuse.

If I can't be good and faithful to things like this, what would happen in real life? if I had a family?

God, please teach me how to understand Justification; if my life doesn't show that I'm being a good steward, how can I know then that I'm under Grace?

Class was a very tiring ordeal today; I feel very sick right now. Yesterday I was counseling a prefrosh about how I've dealt with pressure in college, and how the Gospel really is the only solid reference point to return to... it's interesting how right away I'm being tested to see how well I know what I've shared.

It never seems like I really live out what I share... but God, I know that You're keeping me accountable to what I say. It's just not always easy, that's all, but You surely have it all in Your Will, right?

I'm going to go home from the library now to take a nap. Tonight, I hope to simply be faithful to all my responsibilities...

I fell asleep, got up (somehow) at around 9:30, and called both UPenn and Rutgers.

UPenn's not giving any money, because the program they admitted me into was the "professional career" kinda track. Dangit. I'll be going up on Thursday to Rutgers essentially to interview with the professor that is interested in me... he said that he couldn't tell what I wanted to do from my application (as did every other school) so again, I'm reminded of how poorly it was done.

Oh well. I got acceptances of any sort regardless of my shortcomings, totally and solely by Grace. What now? I'm extremely weary due to the lack of sleep today. I read up on UPenn's program... I wasn't really that impressed simply because it's the same exact thing that I've gone through already here as a BME undergrad; granted, maybe a little more indepth, but not really substantially different than what I've done so far. But no money??

Good news, though, Hopkins is giving me another week to decide since both Penn and Rutgers were so late in sending me their letters... phew. Some breathing room... sorta. I have a TON of work to do this week... no socializing or fun for me.

That's good. There's always a time for concentrated effort, right?

It's almost 4 in the morning. I took an hour nap and have decided to have some tea, finish my Partial Differential Equations Homework, call up grad schools for more info, get commencement tickets, go to class, try to get my Hopkins notification deadline postponed...

It's going to be a long day.

God, you're the only strength I have going into it. Please, fill my mind with Your Grace and Peace.

Sunday already. The KSA banquet was held at a bar/club area within the Ravens Stadium, so we got to hang out in the stadium. Personally, hanging out in the stadium itself was the highlight of my evening, because I really wasn't in the mood for a banquet/dance sort of thing. I felt really bad and selfish that I wasn't, because a lot of people I knew put much time and heart into it; you all did a great job, and I tip my hat and apologize for my party-pooper attitude.

There was a lot going on in my mind... grad school, the end of my college years, overdue hw assignments, upcoming hw assignments, seeing all the freshman and pre-frosh there, and seeing the scant number of people my year there (only a couple) also added to the glumness of the evening... For a few moments of time that night, when I was either staring out the windows at the passing cars on the highway, or enjoying the quiet, grand solitude of the empty stadium, I was able to escape and think about nothing.

The rest of the time, it was hard for me to smile and enjoy things... making a fool out of myself at one point didn't help either. Jenny Hwang had brought a mutual high school friend, and introduced me to her. In response, I crinkled up my face really weirdly and I think they took it the wrong way, because instantly they just turned off and away from me. I tried to ask what Jenny was doing next year, but got curt responses, and when I turned to go to my table, there was no friendly acknowledgement upon their part. Dangit. The Jenny episode was another reminder that I have issues with dealing with my emotions. Will I ever learn?

When I left, Vicky had left a message on the answering machine, so I returned the call. It was cool, we caught up on things; she got into Fuller @ CA, so she'll be going there for the next cuppa years. After talking to my dad about grad school stuff, I read Ecclesiastes and went to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I borrowed Jimmy's guitar and played out what I was feeling -- melancholy, sadness, etc.

Church today was still under the shadow of those feelings... aptly, the message today was about God, the Lord of Peace, and I think it's something I needed to hear, but it's still lingering. I guess I'll have to fight for the rest of this week...

Ok, it's time to study. See you all later.