This post is my warning that I will not be posting till Monday. I have insane amounts of work to do, so I'm cutting out many elements. This weekend is going to be killer.

Dynamic Systems Final, 9 AM Friday (my bane of the semester)

Partial Differential Equations Homework and Take Home Final, Monday

These are 2 of my hardest classes here... in terms of keeping interested and focused. It's killer.

This weekend will also be the first Sunday that I'm going to be substitute worship-leading for Edmund at church. Thanks for the advice, Jimmy.

By the way, Jyco, congrats on the cello jury. I was going to ask about it yesterday but I forgot. Those bad memories of embarrassment were too much for my one-track-mind to handle. Sorry, I guess I'm too self-centered, eh?

I've liked U2 for a while. I recently acquired some more material, and it reminded me why I like them. I'm currently listening to "Bad", 2 different live versions of it (from "Wide Awake in America" and from "Rattle and Hum"). The first time I listened to this song, I didn't really think much of it, but it really grows on you. Such is the case with everything U2... I didn't really notice/care for them at first, but the more you listen to their work, there's this certain quality and depth of musicality and meaning that starts to surface. Many people get confused about them being a Christian band that sold out their beliefs 20 years ago, but that's not really the case. I'd tell what I know about their whole story concerning that sort of topic, but it will take too long and I have to go study. What I will say is that although I've never met them and therefore never gotten to know them, after listening to their lyrics and reading myriads of interviews over the years it seems like they're not born again believers. Bono emotionally and intellectually connects to the Bible, but it seems like he really loves the Bible more as a great literary classic. He has stated over the years his belief in it and in the Holy Spirit and whatnot... but never have I seen any Bono or any of them publicy profess that they adhere to the Gospel... ie, that they're sinners in need of salvation, that Christ has redeemed them and called them by name, that they're now on the path of sanctification. There's a book out by this Irish Presbyterian pastor, called "Walk On" in lieu of a song title from their recent album, that chronicles their "spiritual journey" over they years. I'm interested in reading it, to see if more light can be shed on the subject.

Regardless, from a secularly poetic and philosophical point of view, they are deep and they do have very meaningful things to say (namely, Bono since he writes most of the lyrics). The song "Bad" was written out of the emotional stew of frustration, sympathy, and sorrow over a friend of his at the time that couldn't escape the clutches of heroine addiction. You should listen to it, now that you know that tidbit of info; the song is definitely put into perspective.

Off to study.

After church yesterday, I fell asleep, woke up, and worked on the program for Tuesday's performance. The program I'm writing is made only using this Mac-only programming environment called MAX/MSP; it's used by artists and musicians to do basically anything you can possibly do with multimedia. The reason I told you that will be evident later. So, I handed in the laptop, thinking I'd be able to work on it the next day, Monday. Then, for the rest of the night I went to C-level in the library to study. I was able to finish one problem, and one problem only... my concentration problem acted up again. At one point, I almost broke down and cried, I was getting so frustrated. I got up and walked between a pair stacks, away from everyone in the library. As I sat on the footstool, I put my head down on one of the books, closed my eyes, and inside I cried many things, summed up as, "Why am I this way?" Opening my eyes, I found my head resting on a book that was incidentally another textbook on my subject that I was studying. Surprised, I took it back to my desk, and found it to be quite helpful for the first problem. So, that's the only problem I was able to get done. I cracked open my small group Bible study book, "This Great Salvation." I opened to the last chapter of the book, entitled "The Fruits of Justification (II)", and started to read. It was based off of Romans 8:14-23, and many key points struck me, one of which I'll quote:

"Adoption touches a profound human need, a universal insecurity... the entire human race struggles under what a German philosopher of the twentieth century has called "angst," a nagging anxiety lurking just below the surface of the soul... Salvation through Jesus Christ is the only answer to this fear. 'For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear,' wrote Paul, 'but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father...'"

Abba is the term used by children to address their fathers (very similar to Korean children's "ahp-bah") and it's a striking reality. Since I've been justified with Christ, I've also been born again, adopted by God the Father. Why do I constantly worry about my life, as if I'm not being taken cared of?

The rest of the night I was still haunted by the anguish I had from the realization of my failure to keep up in this class. I left the library to find Danny Dokko at the Hut, so that he can offer some perspective on the homework, but he wasn't there. I'm glad he wasn't, because I needed some time alone with God. I found an empty room in 2nd floor Shaffer, but it was too noisy outside—people were playing ultimate @ 1 AM in lower quad... weird—so I went up to the little hole called Shaffer 4th floor. I didn't end up crying, but I found myself just calling out from the depths, "Abba... Abba... I just don't know how to live, I still don't understand why my heart is not understanding the Gospel..." And so I prayed about how I was really doing: I still can't get over an attachment to someone that I tried to start a relationship with, frustration over last weekend's ordeal, frustration with my classes, frustration with my concentration problems, frustration with my wayward prioritizing...

I prayed for people that asked me to pray for them, then just lay there. I didn't know what to do anymore. So, I got up and went home to sleep, praying that I'd get up early to study.

Though I set my alarm clock to 8 AM, I snoozed it till 11:30 AM. I washed up and went to the library to begin studying. After I started, I realized that I had to go back home and take care of some errands; as I was home, I talked to some people online as I typed up group evaluations for mechatronics. Danny Dokko came over so that we could work on the lab together. We ate lunch, stopped by the library to get my stuff, and went to HAC. I was at HAC till 11:00 doing this lab. I figured that I'd at least work an hour on the program for tomorrow's performance, so I went to the Digital Media Center since that's the only place that has Macintoshes with MAX/MSP installed, and they're open till midnight. I got there to find the door locked and the lights off. "For crying out loud, why do they close at 10 PM during finals?"

I got frustrated again, because they don't open till noon and I had no idea how I'd get this program done in time. But then I started to think... why am I frustrated? God's brought me to this circumstance... do I listen to my frustration over my expectations not being met, or do I listen to the Truth that God has brought me to this point for His own reason? I calmed down and the frustration left me.

I printed out the lab I worked on at home, called security, and asked if they can open Latrobe for me so that I could turn it in.

I went. I opened my bag. I discovered that I forgot to bring the lab.

Instantly, frustration swept over me again. I also got a 28/50 on my last homework, and that made me remember that since I didn't turn in Homeworks 8, 9, Lab 4, I have zeros in all of them.

How quickly I am to forget things that God tries to teach me... just 15 minutes before I was thinking about how I should be satisfied in whatever situation I find—or dug—myself into.

Well, this entry took a long time. Jimmy just got back from his job interview from Texas, and Danny Dokko just picked up notes. Another long day tomorrow. Maybe this time around I'll get up earlier.

God, please, let me get up earlier.

Long weekend. Senior night last Friday was memorable, though it was a little embarrassing to find that they had decided to make sure everyone in the church knew that I had worked in Chuck E. Cheese back in high school.

Practice for Saturday's worship night went till 2 AM that evening... oh man. I then had to stay up later to work on a program; I fell asleep at around 6:30, only to be awakened at 10 by a phone call from my mom. I'm sure some of you would find the following conversation funny:

"Tim, it's mom."
"Hi mom.", then *snore*
"Did I wake you up?"
"....."

No, she didn't tell me that she was leaving, alright?

Sorry, inside joke.

Anyhow, I got up afterwards, washed up, and went to a jazz band practice with laptop in tow to rehearse for my upcoming intermedia project. Yay, until I got there, and people were late. That's ok, I didn't mind them being late, but the rest of the band members decided to smoke it up with some mary jane to pass off the rest of the time. At that point, I started notice my surroundings (they're art students) and happened to notice a bong sitting on the coffee table. I was like, "uh... ok..." and left to get some Burger King with my group member. Our conversation was pretty cool, I found out that he has brother that runs a theater in Seattle, and that he'll be going up to visit him.

Set-up for worship team was quite harrowing and stressful, especially since I brought my computer to record the night. The loud songs didn't really turn out well since they were too loud... they ended up just being really distorted and bad and unhappy sounding. I still have to cull through the rest, after finals are over, and see what is salvageable.

Everyone seemed to really be blessed by the worship night. The Gospel was so explicitly stated and celebrated in every single element of the night...

As for me, the night left me a lot of things to think about. I came into the night with a lot of baggage from the past couple weeks... and from the past semester and that made everything more difficult. As well, as soon as the night started, my mind blanked out and I felt like I forgot how to play the bass. When it came for the special praise, I forgot where all the chords were on the guitar, even though I had practiced it a lot. Then, the recordings didn't turn out very well, and that left me in even more cross of a mood because a couple of people were stressed that I had to set up the recording equipment and computer.

By the time time it came to the message, I found myself not being in a very positive state, even though God really was blessing everything that was going on. Adoremus was really on fire, the skit was meaningful, the body worships and dances done with full conviction. Jimmy Choi, though, brought out a crucial point that I pondered upon for the rest of the night. Since all of our worship is perfected through Christ the Intermediary, the Intercessor, the quality should not be determined by our feelings at the moment, the circumstances of the moment, etc.

Hm. I didn't know how to respond with that. The rest of the night I found myself in this state of flux and weariness from the lack of sleep and amount of activity done this past weekend. Have I been serving God more than following and listening to Him? Sometimes I think I mis out on what great things He's doing because I'm so set on performing things right... I came into this school excited about what God wanted to do through me while I was here, and now I'm leaving thinking that I've tried to do too much for Him instead of simply listening, learning, and obeying.

Anyhow, afterwards everyone that presented that night (besides Adoremus) went to Nautilus Diner. It was a fun time of fellowship and food, and I'm glad to have spent it there. Jimmy Choi and I then came back to place, where he spent the night.

This morning had a melancholy note, since it was GyJu's (our keyboardist) last Sunday here. The members of worship team that are staying decided to take this opportunity to say goodbye to us who are leaving. Jane and GyJu are going back to Chicago, while I'll be shipping off back to New Jersey.

Professor Jeff Jue spoke again today at our church on our unity with Christ. I was trying my hardest to stay awake—though I did drift off sometimes—because it was such a meaningful and deep message. Unity with Christ, justification... do we really get it? Are those Truths the foundation of our lives?

I'm left with a lot of things to think and meditate upon, this weekend, as I catch up for classes that I'm behind in and start studying for finals. God, please, have mercy on a servant like me.