I joined my roommate's small group, led worship, and we all went to Applebee's afterwards.

I have ~7 dollars left in my bank account.

You know, Sarah, you're right. I have, again, let myself become trapped in my own condemnation again. Man, it's hard to fight it, but I know that I must, and I can, because of the firm truth of the Gospel. It's just very difficult to listen to the light... funny, huh?

Well, I have no doubt that these depressive thoughts and feelings will always keep coming... but I think with time, I'll learn how to be distracted from them with the greater joy's in Christ...

Today I read a Calvin and Hobbes collection that was lying around the apartment. Bill Watterson is a genius.

After reading that, I made lunch and headed off for campus, from which I type this entry. I really don't come into contact with people I know besides my roommates, and it's not healthy. I just don't want to become a loner, because loners can be very weird. When alone, one gets comfortable living in one's thoughts until it creates a tiny little world that eliminates the need for people. Loners have problems dealing with people because people can't possibly understand the Loner's rules (the Loner never communicates them, so how could they?) in the Loner's world, and the Loner can't control people the way he or she can control his or her world.

Life isn't meant to be lived alone. We're all built for companionship.

I think too hard. I should just sleep for a very long time. Yeah.

It's so easy to disbelieve, so hard to believe. At least, for the "educated." Intelligence can be a curse sometimes; it tricks people into thinking they know something.

Here I am, the end of the day. Man, during the whole day, I was totally under this laziness bug... just didn't have motivation to do much, besides read. I finally worked up some nerve to practice guitar, but that didn't last long either.

All my dreams and hopes and plans are not being met, because this feeling overpowers. Since I don't fight back successfully, does that mean I'm falling away from His presence?

Was I in it in the first place?

In what shred of proof can I place my confidence of salvation?

Well, the Word says that the only proof is Christ crucified, dead, buried, and risen. But why does it seem like I haven't changed? Why still continue doing the same old habits? I'm always reading in the word that those who know Him are the ones that obey Him, and that's how we have confidence:

"No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother...

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us." From 1 John 3.

Well, I just don't see how I love with actions and in truth... oh, how self-centered I am. But I also have the desire to fight it, to really try to love.

And so, the battle inside me wages on. I feel terrible and condemned, I fight, it goes away, comes again, I fight, etc. etc. The thing is, it just seems like I just don't learn from my mistakes... I forget to believe in Christ's name, and I forget to love those around me. And so I read Romans 7 and 8.

Yet, why does my heart still feel guilty and heavy and depressed inside? I won't lie. Why is it so hard for me to be joyous these days?

Tired. Listless. That's what I am these days. I haven't done much, don't feel like doing much, though there is much to do.

Well, for the past two days, I spent my time reading Timeline, a Crichton novel.

Ate some.

I should be preparing stuff, and I want to, but man, just can't do it.

Such is my life!

For the past 2 hours, I watched a movie that brought me 10 years back, when Vanilla Ice was still in the spotlight and we were all hooked on Sonic The Hedgehog (all the cool kids were into Sega Genesis).

The movie brought back an age of innocence, a time when I was still getting used to my new house in Pennsylvania, and I was struggling to fit into a hostile social environment.

The movie in question?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2.

Man. I still remember when it just came out, and now when I watch it, it looks like it's still from the 80s... the outfits were tacky, the style of the jokes... but then Vanilla Ice dancing and yelling "Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!" reminded me that it was the early 90s.

Man. I can't believe it's already 10 years.

So here I am again in the Library of Science and Medicine, reading... a Michael Crichton book.

Go ahead and laugh. Yeah, I should be reading a book on gait analysis or biomechanics, but instead I've chosen pop culture fiction. Hey, at least I'm reading instead of watching tv or going on the internet. I figured a book like this will get me back into "the zone," the mental state where I can read for hours and feel like it's only been a minute.

I used to be a genuinely joy-filled, excited person. These days, I'm constantly depressed, apathetic, and tired of the same things. Yet, I return to the same things like, in biblical imagery, a dog returning to its vomit.

Don't be depressed by this entry! I've not given up hope on life, nor on the future. It's just a phase that God's been using to teach me how to fight my feelings and depend Him for my strength in my willpower. I've never really had much willpower... and these times have shown how truly scant amounts that I have. But when I will develop it, I will have the confidence to say that it's God's, not mine... and truly give where the credit is due.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure." — 1 John 3:1-3, today's topic of personal study.

I view this online journal as a personal essay column. Albert, thanks for that little article you recently wrote in your blog about blog etiquette. I agree and I hope that this medium doesn't become one that replaces personal contact, but a medium that simply enhances our instant message/phone/real life conversations and interactions by giving topics to talk, think, and pray about. I pray as well that this will show that there's more to meets the eye in people that you know, and that these sort of things should be pushed to be communicated during conversation and interaction.

According to The Ultimate Personality Test,

"Timothy, you're a Lethal Weapon!

Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types — your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are a Lethal Weapon which means you are a Seeker / Thinker. Your primary sub-type is defined by "Seeker" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Thinker" characteristics.

That means you're open-minded, enthusiastic, and popular. Chances are you might even break the rules sometimes. You're motivated and serious, and you always jump at the chance to take on a new project. Innovation and abstract thinking are your strengths."

I guess that's true. But it fails to mention that I thought I jump at chances to take on new projects, I'm not one for endurance. However, reading these descriptions made me realize to that they are so general, they don't really describe much about what the test says about your personality. Unless you shell out fifteen bux.

Keirsey.com has consistently, over the past 4 years, has said that I am a Teacher in the Idealist category. Here's another description on it. Read up on it if you like.

Here I am again sitting in the Rutgers Library of Science and Medicine.

Busch campus has some butt ugly buildings.

Butt ugly. Concrete grids stained with rust (?) and dirt. Research buildings that try to look futurist and modern but really have no aesthetic value. They're uneven and harsh to look at. For you Wellesley students, think of that big concrete science building in the middle of your campus. Now, think of a whole campus filled with that sort of building.

phew!

But, one quickly gets used to it, and I'm not complaining; I'm getting paid to do research. I've spent a considerable amount of time researching... what to put in my new computer. I've $500 that will be paid for, and anything over is what I pay.

I sure hope that I can get it down as low as possible, but since my brother insists on having an all in wonder, that's hard to do. Those video cards go for at least $147. Arg.

What I was thinking about as I woke up this morning:

The problems with un-reciprocated affections/intentions for someone

1) If not dealt with right away, over a long period of time they will lead to obsession.

If you like someone, it's not very healthy to keep it in for such a long period of time, if you know that the person doesn't feel the same way about you. It's difficult, but maybe it's wisest to start off a friendship by being fully honest with your feelings, instead of thinking, "maybe i'll be friends with him/her first, and then he'll like me." However, every case is different; you'll either end up with a good, healthy, relationship based upon friendship, or be left in the dust, burned and scarred for life, AND still have to try to maintain the friendship... because friendship is always precious. Or, both can happen as well. Quite a gamble, don't you say?

So, let's say that if you're like me, you've ended up liking someone for a long time, then informed that person, and had your worst suspicions confirmed: the person doesn't feel the same way. Well, that's when it gets very difficult, because one should have communicated intentions earlier on BEFORE the attachment had grown this deep for this long. The danger is that developing a relationship while having those attachments left undealt with can lead to obsession.

For example, you can't stop thinking about that person, how wonderful that person is, how you like everything about the person (including what you perceive the person's faults to be) etc... and it frustrates you, because you can't communicate it with the assurance that the person will joyfully appreciate your affections.

Usually, no matter hard you fight to think about other things, it comes back, because again, you've developed an attachment for so long. That's how you know that you've become obsessed. If you act upon that obsession... calling too much, doing too much... that's when you become creepy. If you don't act upon it because you don't want to be creepy, that's good for the person in question, but it's still torture for you... but it's better that way. Who wants to be known as creepy? And if you really cared for that person, would you want him/her to put up with you? For this person, showering too much affection on him/her is like forcing him/her to eat something they've already tasted... disliked.

2) Obsession leads to delusion.

So, sadly, you're caught with this obsession, and you don't know how to deal with it. You fight it, but if it's already grown strong enough, it starts to make you think: "maybe after a long time, things will work out" or "someone else is in the picture". Since you start thinking too much about it, that leads to making up unrealistic scenarios that seem real to you. Watch out for that.

3) Delusion leads to bitterness, anger, jealousy, and territorialism.

The problem with entering the delusion stage is that it usually yields the above negative fruits... you start feeling bitter towards the person, or to the phantom competition, and anger comes up... jealousy, then territorialism. I.e., a false sense of possession takes over: "The person was mine first! I liked him/her first! I've known him/her longer!" etc. etc.

That's why matters of the heart are to be dealt with extreme carefulness. For me, the only thing that's brought me to this point is God's grace. I'm still here. I still struggle a lot with thinking too much about this person. My problem is, I form very vivid memories, so even if I don't see someone for a long time, I can still be very emotionally involved because I remember the times spent together very well.

However, God has been gracious to teach me a lot. He's taught me a whole lot about my weaknesses and how my sinful tendencies rear their ugly heads. He's shown how self-centered I can really be in my outlook, with my time, and with my thought life. Most importantly, He's shown what a life lived in love with Him should be like: total, joyful, faithful, loving obsession. He wants to be the center, because He knows He is the only one that can fulfill... because He's the only one that deserves being the center of attention.

Here's yet another entry.

I've spent all day running around campus in order to find a job (applied to one place), get registered, and start research on my topic. So, here I am in the Library of Science and Medicine, sitting at one of the computer terminals. I found a buttload of books on my topic (gait analysis. ie, scientifically analyzing/modelling how humans walk) and I sorta skimmed through them, but quickly lost interest. Yes, short attention span strikes again. I would check out these books, but I can't yet since I have to be a registered student to check out books and my registration hasn't gone through yet.

Why do I continue to blog so diligently?

You see, I'm not following a fad. I didn't do this because everyone else was doing it; I started my online journal without even knowing that there was a trend in the first place. I've had the idea to do this since freshman year of college, but I've always been too lazy or too occupied with something else to start it... but finally, here it is, 6 months and still going.

I wanted to do this journal because I hoped that it would give an honest snapshot into the daily life and thoughts of a Christian in the modern day world. I also wanted to start using this page as a platform upon which I can start expressing my artistic urges and ideas. I don't know why, but in the middle of my junior year I renewed a keen interest to be more artistic of a person. I was interested in the arts a lot in high school, but in college that was all thrown in the back burner to make room for math and science. A course called Intermedia Studio really opened my eyes to the art world. The class was a joint effort between Hopkins, Peabody, and Maryland Institute College of Art students/faculty and it tried to explore the connections between media to communicate artistic statements. It was really interesting and really forced me to see the importance of having a deep purpose for everything we do as scientists, artists, and musicians. Most of the musical bands, movies, etc. that people tend not to like, the forgettable hiccups of modern culture are the ones that have little meaning and thought put into their making, they're the ones that don't have a sense of adventure and exploration in whatever craft, in whatever purpose they have.

I've desired to produce a cohesive, artistic work for a long time, but I haven't been able to do so yet. I think that class, prayer, and failed works have forced me to realize that I haven't done so yet because I've not had something deep and meaningful to communicate. I've focused too much attention to details that I've lost the big picture of things: God wants all the glory, and we can find our only meaning and joy in giving glory to Him in all that we do. I can spit that out, but I haven't exhausted my attention and energy in exploring that truth.

Well, God's Grace has brought me this far. He's taught me important lessons. What does he want to do through me now? Well, He's placed me in charge of the elementary school kids in my church, in a scientific laboratory, in the midst of a college campus with a myriad of ministries, in the midst of a state with a need for revival.

He's shown that in order to be taking seriously musically, I have to learn real musicianship instead of basing my practice and skills soley on little tricks I've picked up here and there. He's shown that I have to seek to know the purpose of things, then learn the music technique in order to meet these ideals. Yes, it's very Aristotelian (or is that Platonic? or a mixture of both?) logic: knowing the "greater good", the underlying theory, and being the "master craftsman" is more important than just learning how to copy things.

These are all ideals that I have. Are these Godly ideals? Have I learned well?

In reading "Knowing God" this morning, I was humbled by the following quotes:

"We need frankly to face ourselves at this point. We are... orthodox evangelicals. We can state the gospel clearly... smell unsound doctrine a mile way. If asked how one may know God, we can at once produce the right formula: that we come to know God through Jesus Christ the Lord, in virtue of his cross and mediation, on the basis of his word of promise, by the power of the Holy Spirit, via a personal exercise of faith. Yet the gaiety, goodness, and unfetteredness of spirit which are the makers of those who have known God are rare among us—rarer, perhaps, than they are in some other Christian circles where, by comparison, evangelical truth is less clearly and fully known."

"A little knowledge of God is worth more than a great deal of knowledge about him."

"All very fine—yet interest in theology, and knowledge about God, and the capacity to think clearly and talk well on Christian themes, is not at all the same thing as knowing Him."

"We must learn to measure ourselves, not by our knowledge about God, not by our gifts and responsibilities in the church, but by how we pray and what goes on in our hearts. Many of us, I suspect, have no idea how impoverished we are at this level. Let us ask the Lord to show us."

*hand raised* I have no idea the full extent how impoverished I am, but I know that at least to some degree of understanding, I'm pretty darn impoverished.

"It is those who have sought the Lord Jesus till they have found him—for the promise is that when we seek him with all our hearts, we shall surely find him—who can stand before the world to testify that they have known God."

Can I really stand and testify? It's time, again, to start seeking Him with all my heart.

After living on my own without work or many responsibilities for the past couple of months, I've come to see the following things:

1) I have the unexhaustible tendency to be lazy, shirking what little responsiblities I have to do what I feel like at the moment.

2) Due to that constant lifestyle of instant gratification, my ability to concentrate and keep a well-sustained train of thought has dwindled. The perpetual option of choice offered by TV and the internet has trained my mind to need a rapid, changing medium in order to keep its interest on something.

3) I still have been able to do some good thinking, and I've been meditating on the seeds of some of my bad habits and addictions.

One fault I have is an intense fear of others' opinions, as well the fear of "the unknown." I'm not sure where they all came from, but I remember having them since early childhood. I remember going to a birthday party with a gymnastics theme; I think I was in third grade, and upon arrival, everyone was at the big trampoline. Well, I was terribly frightened, because while I was small and scrawny, everyone seemed to be well coordinated and physically fit. Therefore, since they were all doing all these fancy tricks, here was scrawny, nerdy old me, I lied and complained that I had a headache and wanted to sit down.

Of course, after 5 minutes, I was bored, and I decided to play by myself in the obstacle course on the other side of the gym.

Instances like that typify the initial response I have to deal with internally when faced with high pressure, like when I step into the employment office of a company to get a part time job, or meet my professor for research, etc.

I'm learning to recognize when I'm caught up in those fears, but it's still an uphill battle to say no to all of it.

I guess those tendencies led to my passive tendencies, as well.

What a long weekend.

I'm not sure I have the energy to say all that happened.

Too bad, I don't.

Something learned this weekend:

A strong, healthy, MUTUALLY encouraging marriage makes all the difference in the world. When you're in an environment that doesn't have that, well... life can be unbearable.