I'll summarize the last post into a more easily readable post, in the near future.

Anyhow, all I did today and yesterday was watch TV. Ok, I also led worship for my roommate's small group time. That was good.

I didn't prepare adequately for the kids tomorrow, though.
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Why?

The small things that I always give my attention to, throughout the week, always end up sucking up hours on end of my time.

I just got a new computer. On Tuesday, I went home to pick up all the parts. It was going to only be for a little bit, but then I decided to start cleaning my brother's car. That ended up becoming a 3 hour task. I then wanted to take my little brother to get an anti-static bracelet from CompUSA, but my mom decided to come along... that became a 1.5 hour ordeal. Then, over the next 3 days, I spent all my time building my computer, installing, tweaking, etc. Then, Friday hit.

My brother asked me to help him make a dish for lunch and a potluck that evening. That became a 3 hour ordeal. I then had to go on campus to take care of some business, then back...

And, throughout the week, on countless occasions, I sat down and picked up the remote, to find my self falling asleep 4 hours later after having watched 2 movies.

That's where my time goes.

what i've been thinking about, laying in bed, as i have been writing, staring at the ceiling. as shared with jacob online.

me: jacob

jake: hey, dude

me: i was deep in thought until

me: now.

me: and i was thinking about

me: what life is.

jake: dude, that's too deep for me

me: essentially, it's about, what you want, and how to get it.

me: people want.

me: they want something

me: they either get it

me: or they don't

me: and all life seems to revolve about all the things that we want

me: and whether we get them, or not.

jake: hm...

me: all of pain

me: and dementia

me: and struggle

me: and anger

me: and bitterness, joy, love, everything

me: is based upon us having wanted something

me: and either getting it, or not

me: isn't that what life is?

me: sustenance of existence?

me: and in order to meet the sustenance of existence, there are needs?

jake: that's eithe too deep or too oversimplified

me: that's how God created us

me: no

me: think about it

me: fundementally

me: very very fundementally

me: we all are driven by something that we want

me: but we really don't know what it is

me: and that's why God said

me: or, jesus said

me: the greatest commandment is this:

me: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.

me: in other words

me: actively make your deepest need... to be God

me: and that's where eternal Life is

me: eternal life = wanting God, and satisfying ourselves in Him

me: life = sustenance of existance

me: God knows that our only source of existance is Him

jake: you should share this with ppl

me: i will

me: i am with you

me: and i'll post this conversation online

me: :-)

me: but i'll protect your screenname.

me: but think about it.

me: we all want something… for example.

me: men want sex

me: why?

me: why do men want it all the time?

me: because they want to feel good

jake: true

me: and that's the easiest way for men to feel really good

me: it's quick, it's physically invigorating

me: it involves the imagination, and the senses

jake: all the qualities that adam saw in the fruit

me: and that's how men are wired

jake: of the tree of knowledge

me: and sex drives men's culture

me: at least, in the media

me: why?

me: because it touches a very easy vein to tap

me: but women as well

me: they want a lot of things

me: and when they get old

me: if they've not gotten them all their life

me: they're extremely miserable

me: they're never happy

me: and therefore no one that they no is happy when they're around.

me: well, that's a generalization, i apologize.

jake: you are like the christian siddhartha

me: but, i guess, that goes for women as well.

me: but isn't that true?

me: but the thing is

me: Truth is in Christ

me: Christ knew that

me: and so that's why He said

me: "I am the way, the Truth, the life"

me: because He knew that

me: if we know Christ, the Son, we know God, the Father

me: and if we know the Creator, OUR creator, and if we look to Him for life, then we'll get it

me: because He's the One that made us

me: and He knows EXACTLY how to please us

me: the problem arises

me: that in our stupid sinfulness

me: we turn to ourselves, the functions of our natural bodies

me: that, without sin, function to enable us to enjoy God

me: but with sin, these functions became the only things we can think about

me: and so we look to the tools to please us, not the Maker.

me: right?

me: so, thinking about all the problems in American society

me: a society where our basic needs are pretty much met

me: so much, that our needs have become our secondary needs: entertainment

me: we want to feel good

me: and we try to pursue that with all our money and will

me: but we have so much depression

me: so many basket cases

me: so many suicides, cases of abuse, etc.

me: why?

me: because we look to ourselves for what we want

me: and then, we try to meet those wants

me: and so all these problems arise

me: psychological problems

me: but Christ, He knew that the only thing that matters

me: is that we want Him

me: and all we have to do is ask.

jake: this is a good sermon, defnitely

jake: i think u have preacher blood in u

me: haha.

me: but yeah

me: in the depths of who we are

me: Christ said, we have to die to it

me: because they lie to us

me: they = our phantom desires

me: no one really knows what they want

me: in the fundemental level

me: there are so many things to believe in this world

me: I choose to believe that Christ is right

me: "I am the way, the truth, the life"

me: "Love me, with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your mind"

me: not the next fix of entertainment

me: or the next thrill you get when you see the girl you obsess over

jake: yes..

me: Christ wants that object of obsession to be Himself

me: and that's HARD for us

me: it's awfully hard for me

jake: these are conclusions similar to what mark lim came to and shared with me, long ways back..

me: we just don't get it

me: I just don't get it.

me: what it really means to want Christ

me: with all my passion

me: with all that I am.

me: what does that really mean?

me: I think

me: that want

me: that desire

me: is the only real need that really underlies everything.

me: the need to figure out

me: what it means to really have passion for Christ

me: I've obsessed over this girl

me: and all that's come out of it
me: is me feeling bad

me: and her having to deal with this obsessed guy

me: I've obsessed over being an artist

me: but i honestly didn't have the drive

me: to produce works of art

me: I have zero works to present to you at this moment.

jake: keep working at it, bro

me: and i have no job. I can't support myself.

jake: God is working in you, shaping you

me: I can't get into my school research.

jake: taking u thru experiences

me: all these things led up to my depression

jake: thru rough times, even

me: but i realized, now, that I've been wanting the wrong things

me: and that's why i'm miserable.

me: i hope this has been an encouragement to you.

me: and food for thought

me: thank you for listening, since i seem to only to function

me: by talking to someone

jake: defnitely food for thought

jake: that's cool

jake: i'm always here to listen

I have been slipping and sliding closer to living like a vegetable, just existing day to day for the next glass of water, the next plate of food, the next thing to please me.

Not such a happy sentiment to listen to or read, is it?

I have to be honest, though. I do have to say, though, that thought I'm slipping and sliding closer to that state of being, I have been fighting. I started off this week on a really good note, I got a lot done on Monday and Tuesday. But quickly again I lost to my feelings of laziness and whimsical mind.

So, the battles have been lost, but the war isn't close to being over. I've had past burdens on my shoulders: failed romances, unmet expectations in my academics, art, and whatnot, but life isn't over, it's just begun. Life begins every day. I regress a lot, and I lose myself in my feelings, thereby acting in ways that put others in unease (like, during an AIM conversation that I had Thursday afternoon, or being slothful about the dishes, or not commencing on my research), and there's no excuse. I've sinned, I've failed, but I have a hope in Someone that never does.

I'm not sure where this thoughts are going to take me. I'm not sure if I'll stay in my low state. But I will fight, and I will fight by settling with that lack of confidence in my inheritance in Christ.

People ask me what I need prayer for, well, this is it: I need to deeply dig into the root of my being and settle my fears, my sins, my angsts, my joys, and ask Christ to replace them with His joys, His promises, His truths, and His goodness. I need to get serious with who I am in this world, in existence, if I'm to live life to the fullest. I need to get joyous over my state in existence: I am a child of God.

I am a child of God.

I am tired.

I am in a position right now where I want to tell this person something but I am not quite sure how I should or if I should. This is the result of much thinking and mental battling, yet it's not even close to being finished yet.

Why is it so hard for people to believe in Christ, in God?

I think the biggest reason that people have, but won't ever admit, is that it's the fear of losing one's authority over the self's life. It's a scary and abstract idea to entrust yourself to something or someone you can't physically see, hear, feel, touch, or relate to in the way we do with people we see daily.

I am very tired right now. I sleep.

What's your purpose?

Well, I have a new computer now. I spent most of my evening yesterday building it... it was fun.

Time to move on with life, huh.

Well, this sure was a busy day.

I got up, cleaned the apartment, tried to start taking care of my loans, made dinner (I made meatballs, then sauce, then spaghetti... recipe from www.foodnetwork.com) that my brother asked me to make for small group tonight. It was incredibly good, the recipe... the meatballs were a pork/beef mix with roasted fennel, coriander, a chili, freshly chopped rosemary, and salt and pepper. I think it'd make an incredible burger, as well.

Just think. That mix for a burger with fresh mozzarella, fresh parmesan, a good green lettuce, tomato, red onion, and pickle all on a garlic toasted bun. That's my ideal burger. It's a blend of italian and american... so good.

Well, another busy day tomorrow. God, have mercy... please lead me to do what you desire for me to do. Keep me from listening to those feelings of laziness.

I still miss all of my college friends. But life must go on.

I had a conversation with a guy that will be staying here for a couple of weeks about music. Honestly, I've been really jaded and disinterested with much of the music out there these days. This is not to say that it's without talent... in fact, I think that there is exceptional talent out there. However, all recent innovation in music has been based off of rehashing and remixing old things. This is not bad either, because for the moment it sounds fresh and exciting. But, I think it quickly loses my interest because, after all, I've heard it before. (What I mean by rehash is the heavy amount of sampling done in hip hop music, the rap-metal fusion over the years, etc.) I believe the stage is being set for something really new, bold, innovative, and lasting in its ability to excite.

The last way I felt that way about music was my personal discovery and research of U2. Their musical still sounds exciting and fresh to me... every time you listen, you don't get bored, you hear something new, another shade and texture that you've not heard in a previous listen. I think that quality really drew me in... every song I've liked by them (and that's a LOT of songs...) has had that same experience for me, even the deceptively simple tracks that they released as pop singles. The first U2 song that caught my attention was "New Year's Day" from their third album, entitled "War." (Incidently, they named it so because they were "declaring war" on a lot of the stale music of that time, as well as setting the tone for their very political purpose at that time for making music.) "New Year's Day" is very dense in its soundscape... the first time I heard it, I thought it had a cool melody line. The second time, I started to notice some different guitar sound here and there... and so it started, my intrigue for U2's music and how they create it. That song sure doesn't sound like they were my age when they recorded it, but they were all about 22 or less. Incredible.

"maybe you shouldn't depend on people so much."

or, something similar to that was said to me by a friend of mine (I think you'll remember this convo, maybe you don't, the reader that said this to me). It was in response to a me talking about this intense feeling of hollowness I had after I had just gotten back from the Chicago trip.

I think in some sense, that lonliness has been a cause of my depression and listlessness of late. I miss a lot of the friends I had the pleasure to meet and know during college. I think that I've grown so attached to the vibrant, social college environment, that the absence of it has rendered me with this hollowness inside. In fact, a lot of depression started junior and senior year because those are the years in which I had less time to spend with friends, or meeting/interacting with people in general. My personality and mental health seems to thrive on relationships and people... I need social contact.

So, that leaves me with a couple options to approach this problem.

1) Maybe the problem is as I introduce this topic: I could be too dependent upon people for my stability and strength, and not dependent enough upon my relationship with God. Therefore, maybe I should spend a lot more time praying and reading the Word, instead of going online and reading blogs all day.

2) Maybe it's just part of my personality, and it's not a problem to want to be around people. After all, I am the extrovert, and God used that attribute to develop strong relationships over a wide range of people during college. That really helped me to develop not just tolerance, but a real sense of God's love for His people. Therefore, maybe I just have to move on and try to start building a new base of friendships here, and make all the effort I can to keep those old relationships alive.

3) Maybe it's a mixture of both.

It's probably a mixture of both.

Well, that's enough personal soul searching. Today, I had the opportunity to lead childrens' worship, and take them out to McDonald's for some ice cream (or other treats). It's been 4 years since I left my position to go to college, and my mom stuck me back into it. Begrudgingly, I did so. It was a begrudging effort because my heart hasn't been into that idea, and she just told me to do it. I like children a lot, though. The kids I have to work with now are really cute and well-behaved, and are very eager to learn... especially when it comes to memorizing bible verses. They retain it a lot more than adults seem to, and it seems to be an easier effort. At least, for grades 3 - 5. I'm teaching a 6 year range of ages, which is really big, since stages of mental development between spans of even a year are very different. So, I set up a top down chain of command... each kid is directly responsible for the kid that is directly younger. That way, a good system of discipline is set up, and the kids learn a good understanding of responsiblity. I taught them a quick lesson and led them with a little song; it was really cute, because they had rhythm instruments to play along.

Kids are such incredible windows into realizing how we really all are still children... it's just the older we get, the more stubborn we get.