As I went to the bathroom on the ground floor of my house, something strange happened. I didn't turn on the light from the hallway was bright enough to illumine the room. The weird thing happened when I looked in the mirror as I washed my hands...

Picture yourself staring at your reflection, dimly lit... but all your features are dusted with a white coating of light. It really creeped me out... it reminded me of that white face that flashes momentarily during the exorcism scene in The Exorcist.

I find it very difficult to not give in to my emotional episodes of late. I find myself overcome with longing, disappointment, and hollowness. I think if I weren't Christian, I would have succumbed to all of this a long time ago. It's very hard for me to have hope sometimes. I find myself getting angry because I messed up so many things this past year: friendships, school career, etc. "School career? But you're getting your PhD!" Yes, but it just doesn't seem right. Maybe I'm not really supposed to be doing this. I've always been more interested in multimeda and the presentation of information, than biomedical engineering.

But, I know that I tend to unrealistically fantasize too much.

People have asked me, "If you want to do music so much, why don't you put everything you have into it?"

Honestly, I'm not quite so sure. I get really depressed on this subject, first and foremost because I haven't been able to produce a single work yet. I can't write songs. My mind loses focus and I guess I just don't have the talent or skills. Yet, since high school, I've always wanted to write a song. All throughout college, I tried, but nothing really ever came out. Maybe I've lived too easy of a life, that my heart doesn't have much material to express. I am not quite so sure what it is, but here I am, wishing I can express myself and write some good songs, but I can't. Why do I want to write good music? I honestly don't know why either. I admit there is a sense of pride in there... having people enjoy your music is quite the ego trip. I was always the kid growing that starved to be the center of attention. But when I got it, I always and still choke. All my ideas and creativity flee, all numbness enters and lose any sense of thought. Whenever I sit to try to write a song, that happens. Whenever I try to record, it happens. There are these times where I launch into this long, absorbed bliss of playing around on the guitar... so in my excitement, I hook it up for recording, and it all just goes out the door.

Maybe God's led me to this point this way to get rid of that self-seeking attitude. In any case, all praise to Him...

I still don't get why I'm the way I am, and where I'm going in this life. I guess it's moments like these that make people write lyrics like, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I am just hoping that I can get the courage and strength to get off my butt and start to live life, not wasting it away by "familiarizing myself with culture," i.e. watching excessive amounts of cable television like I've been doing the past couple of weeks.

I just don't understand it. Why do I feel like I've missed out on life? Why do I feel like I'm broken? I still don't see what purpose God's called me to. Maybe it's my church kids. Maybe it's developing computation models of walking to aid in the development of orthopadic devices, preoperative planning tools, video games, and movies. Maybe it's music, after all. Maybe it's to find that girl. Maybe she's someone I know, and neither of us has caught on.

The here and now in my life is still searching for the what's next.

Maine, here I come.

Tomorrow, the family and I drive to Maine.

This Sunday, we'll be attending Grace Chapel in Boston. Boston people (all... what.. 2 of you?) that read this, be there! j/k. I know you have your own churches to attend.

Am I a creepy guy? I wonder if I've ever come off as such. I hope not.

Life is like a box of chocolates, it has all these dark bittersweet pieces amongst sweeter ones.

I must move on. I must move on.

To explain why I know I've become too introspective:

I've developed anti-social tendencies in this past year. I find it hard for me to really relate to people more often than not these days... not because I can't, but because I'm too caught up with what I'm feeling to make the effort. I've shied away from playing sports with friends, and enjoying activities in groups.

Well, recently, God smacked me in the face with that realization, and led me to see how childish I've become. I used to have a heart to care for those around me, but these days that twisted into expecting people to do things for me, to accomodate themselves for what I want. Seeing myself turn into that sickened me, and it sickens me now. How could I dare say that I believe in His Name? How could I ever dare to say that I am a child of God, when I have such a self-centered outlook?

God's been very gracious.

"He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him. But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name: who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God." - John 1:11-13

A question I pose:

What does it mean to "receive Him?" What does it mean to "believe in His name?" How you do receive Christ in your heart? What is it that you receive, a concept? Do you just memorize it, and say that you know it?

I've been boxed out, and there's no way in
Why do I care?

'Cos rejection makes me want it more
'Cos rejection makes me want it more

Life is too short to hang myself up on this
On what's not real.

But rejection makes me want it more
But rejection makes me want it more

there's no cadence and poetry to what i've written. and it's a bit abstract, i realize. but it's what i think about these days. I'm a clueless guy. I have a logical, thoughtful head on my shoulders, but when emotions and feelings rise up, all that's left is recklessness and fickle emotions.

The worst part of all of this is that I've become way too introspective... I've become way too self-absorbed. I critize easily, but am not above the same faults myself. Maybe I should just become a shallow person. What's the use of all this thought? It's overkill. It's overload.

Tonight I hung out with my roommates at Stelton Pizza. Man, I miss good ol' NJ/NY pizza. Nothing in the world like it... eating NJ/NY pizza during my childhood was what got me hooked on Italian. Yes, it's my favorite style of food. Yes, I'm Korean. No, Korean isn't my favorite (and don't get on my case about it). Not to say I don't like Korean food, but I have more of an Italian taste.

We watched The Royal Tenenbaums. Very sweet, very quirky, I liked it a lot, I found myself laughing a lot... but sadly, at places where no one else in the room laughed. It was quite embarrassing. I liked the music selection, as well... Charlie Brown themes, the Ramones, etc. Very eclectic.

I realized this earlier tonight: I have a very driven and motivated mindset, but I'm very lazy and easily distracted, so I'm frustrated all the time. Either, I lower my standards, or start trying to meet them.

Go visit www.dyske.com. I have him linked up. He has some very interesting articles. I liked "Instruction Manual for Youth" parts one and two, as well as his "Dyske the Brand" campaign.

There are many choices in life we make, and the most fundemental choice being what we believe in... because what we believe in defines the direction and purpose of our lives.

Are you sure what truths you hold dear to are really worth holding dear to?

I will start to revamp my website, so keep your eyes peeled... starting next week. I'll be out this week to vacation with my family in the southern Maine coastline... I hear they have great white sand beaches.

Oh, and I can't wait for lobster.

Does anyone read this site anymore? I never get any comments.

Not to say that I'm hungry for comments, but I just don't get any reactions to what I post. Maybe I do too much at once?

Today, I awoke at 11, washed up, and went right to work at making a mix for a girl in my youth group. She's one of the people that are interested in praise team.

I went on campus and took care of a bunch of mundane details.

I went back home and spent all night cooking for my brother's small group and d/l Radiohead songs and videos. Yes, recently, if you haven't been able to tell, I've been getting back into Radiohead again.

I think this may be a test to see if I'll really apply what I've been thinking about and learning this past week. In other words, I'm getting distracted. I suppose I will have to tear myself away from listening to them and dreaming about how I can make music that is as thought provoking and complex.

I've lost a little focus. It began when I was sitting in the computer lab on-campus; I decided on a whim to watch some Radiohead video online.. that spurred me to go home and record the sound of it so I can listen to it more.

That took a long time.

But man, they sure are really professional at their mixing, sampling, and just getting that unified sound.

Small group was interesting. The one guy expressed his view that, from what he was learning in his religion classes, that the Bible shouldn't be given so much weight that it's given, to which I disagreed. What else are you going to base your faith off of? Your relationship with God? It's more interesting to note that all his teachers for Islam, Hinduism, and etc. are devout believers of their respective faiths, but the class on Christianity is taught by an outspoken disbeliever. "We will not refer to Jesus as 'Jesus Christ' because it is a religious affirmation... the only time I would use it is to use it as a profanity."

How screwed up is that? You don't see anyone teaching Bhuddism saying something of that nature. Not only is that going against what many believe, it's simply rude and one-sided... in that the professor is forcing the students to believe his view of Christ and the validity (or in his case, the invalidity) of the Bible.

How many of you Muslims out there would be offended if a professor in Islam would announce that he would not allow the usage of "Mohammed the Prophet" because he didn't believe Mohammed wasn't inspired, or the usage of "Allah" because that would be an confession of faith in Allah? And then, have the professor proceed to say that he would only use "Mohammed the Prophet" or "Allah" as profanities? I would be offended as well.

Well, anyhow, tomorrow is a new day.

I am determined to get it right, to the best of what God strengthens me with.

Start of a new week, and I'm determined to get it right this time.

I'm going to find a job.

I'm going to exercise.

I'm going to read for school.

I'm going to avoid television.

I'm going to eat my vegetables.

I'm going to practice guitar.

I'm going to read the Word and plan out a vision for my church.

I'm going to spend time with my roommates.

I'm going to clean the apartment.

I will be fitter. happier. Ok, this is a total ripoff of Radiohead, I admit.

Is there something creepy about this post? Or is it just me.

"You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be Your name' ..."

A recent song that I've been blessed by is "Blessed Be Your Name," by Matt Redman on his latest cd.

Man, I'm so very immature. Won't I ever learn? When will I learn to sing this, with full truth, with experiences that reflect this?

By the way, that line reminds me of "and you give yourself away, and you give yourself away... with or without you... with or without you, oh... i can't live... with or without you."

I guess it's the repetitive phrases.

"The song that finally climbed into the British Top Ten in late 1993 was written in the midst of genuine lovelorn trauma. 'When I wrote it,' said Thom, 'I was in the middle of a really, really serious obsession. It lasted about eight months. And it was unsuccessful, which made it even worse. She knows who she is.'" - Select Magazine

Thom Yorke, you say it exactly how it's been, just... as... it's been. I know I've been a creep. I know that I don't belong. But do you know what it's like for me? I wish I was special to you as you were to me. But, can't I take a hint? I've been a creep.

I am a creep.

Creep
Thom Yorke

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so $@#! special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the h*ll am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so $@#! special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the h*ll I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so $@#! special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

"I can't get you out of my head."

-Kylie Minogue

I really don't like that song. But, that line sums up my experience for a long time.

I can't get you out of my head.

As a result, my emotions have been up and down, I find myself lost in thought. What do I think about? I think about you and I. But, then, I think, if we finally were together, would I really be happy? Do I really know what I want?

I find that I don't. Who knows what they really want? Hopkins people complain, when they first get to Baltimore (and actually, some do all throughout) that there's nothing to do. "I'd be so much happier in a school in NYC, because Baltimore sucks." As I'm here in Rutgers, I meet people that go to New York schools like NYU, and they have their very long lists of complaints... and you know what? NYC is the city of choice for all those Hopkins people. In other words, people want something, but they don't know what that something is.

So, I return to this fixation, this attachment that I write about. I can't get you out of my head. I haven't been able to get you out of my head for so long now. But, do I really know what I want? Do I even realize that you don't think the same way about me, that you don't even think about me in the first place? That you, in fact, are really annoyed and put at unease as I unwittingly act upon how I feel during our interactions?

Those of you reading this post may be wondering whom I refer to. It's pretty much my fantasy that I am addressing. My fantasy of someone. My fantasy of my career. My fantasy of what would make me satisfied.

The genius of God in saying that He's the only thing that will satisfy us lies in this: we really don't know what we want. We think by wanting all these corporeal things, by wanting a romance, by wanting a phantom called Success, we will be satisfied when we get it. But, the genius lies within the incorporeal, incomprehensible nature of God. We can't imagine what He looks like. We can't smell, touch, or hear Him. But, He's there. He can't be imagined, but He's in a relationship with those who believe in His Son. What we could ever want is Something outside of us.

The thing that kills me is that I still turn to the promises of instant pleasure made by modern entertainment, and my body's desires. I am caught in the habit. I will be fighting this habit for a very long time. How can I fight to seek the greater pleasure in God? How do I keep that Hope, that Promise alive for every waking moment?

How?