Well, it's time to study today. I've loaded up some of Stan's mixes and am now revvin' the mental engines. Lets'a go!

I've successfully sliced out the beats from the Justin Timberlake number at the MTV Awards. It's really simple, really tight. I'd post it, but eh. I'm going to use this to practice guitar arrangements with, possibly tweak it to sound more atmospheric.

Atmospheric's my bag, baby. Totally dig Moby's older stuff.

Flashes of thought that hit me today.

Topic 1: I'm still talking too much.

The level to which that statement reaches is very deep. Consider: In the past two days and three nights, I've used almost 7 hours of phone time. That's right. About 400 minutes. Well, to explain, I have been trying to catch up with all the people that I wasn't able to talk to all summer long, due to my lack of any phone services. Oh, and free long distance is a big factor in that, as well :-)

But to get back on topic, when was talking with one friend, and she brought that up (since we discussed my verbosity previously) during the conversation. I then proceeded to do exactly what I do not want to do, and I didn't do what I wanted to do. The rest of that conversation was me blabbing; though, I did make more of a concious effort to listen.

However, the level to which the statement reaches is this: It's not necessarily the amount that I talk that concerns me, but the reason why that amount is high. I think the reason is that I think by speaking first, then evaluate and organize afterward, as opposed to evaluating and organizing my thoughts and then speaking. That's not always a bad thing, and that's the way my mind works. However, I do notice that I tend to share too much information at once, not in the revealing sense, but in the info overload sense. I find myself then losing my train of thought, and I find the people I'm talking to sitting there with glazed eyes.

How can that change? It's a very difficult thing for me to recognize, sometimes, because of the way I think and communicate. How do I slow myself down and think things through?

Topic 2: My issues with my "C"orean heritage.

It struck me again today as I met a couple of fellow BME grad students that were "yoo hahk seng," or international Korean students. Yes, I don't speak Korean at all (You know, basic stuff here and there, but I can't carry a conversation or anything). Talking with them made me realize how different I am from a Korean Korean. How very different I am, if you think about it: they grew up only knowing Koreans, only speaking Korean, mostly eating Korean food. I grew up as the only Korean on the block, only speaking English, eating so many different kinds of food.

Thinking about that made me wonder why I've never made a conscious effort to learn Korean, or of my heritage. In fact, I'm a little apprehensive about the idea of visiting Korea, because I don't want to deal with people giving me stares and treating me in a substandard fashion. I've already been subjected to that in elementary school; it wasn't pleasant then, it wouldn't be pleasant now, it'll never be pleasant in the future. I think those environments of being forced to be conscious of my Korean background left almost a sense of shame and distaste for my culture. I stress "almost" because I'm not exactly shameful of it, but it always leaves me with a queasy feeling whenever I'm exposed to Korean media. I grew up forming the opinion that Korean dramas, movies, and music are of substandard quality, so now it's hard to think otherwise. I'm sure that there is good stuff out there, but it's really difficult to fight this bias that's 22 years in the making. I have yet to find/listen to a Korean music act/band that strives for artistic integrity and originality and tries to convey personal philosophical viewpoints with their lyrics.

Ha! Not that I would understand the lyrics. :-)

But generally, I find myself alienated sometimes when I see some of my Korean American peers getting into Korean music/drama/culture in general, because of that bias that I have. I find it even harder to relate to Korean Koreans for the same reason. That alienation then results in me wondering what I am, sometimes, but then I realize, I am American. I embody the typical melting pot American ideal, it seems: my favorite cuisine is Italian, favorite styles of music are British Rock, Jazz, and Hip Hop, I have many friends of different heritages.

Well, just things to think about. You know, typical identity crises sort of things ;-)

Topic 3: Last Night's Dream

I dreamed about you. You grabbed my ankle (how confusing!), smiled, and told me that my mom told you to do it. I'm still confused about that.

The class is over.

I have a lot of work now... they are starting to "layeth the smackdown," in layman's terms.

Let the games begin.

Looks like it's yet to be another tough semester. I sure now how to pick all the hard ones! :-P

I have a 3 hour class today, after a 1.25 hour class.

Tired.

I woke up today struggling to read the Word... kept falling back asleep.

****

I still can't stop thinking about you.

Class was ok.

Tonight I hung out with the youth pastor from Agape, a Korean church nearby (My dad was pastor of Agape during a large part of 1980s, for your historical edification). It was cool, discussed some things here and there about ministry.

I was on the phone, later that night, with a friend from high school. Weird, she said that I was part of her conversion experience. Kinda weird when someone says, "Hey, I became Christian because God worked through you!"

Wow. I didn't know. Praise God, huh?

Start of a new day.

I'm about to go on-campus for class. Thoughts about today so far:

I read/meditated on a couple of chapters of Isaiah, since I'm going through it these days. It seems a bit abstract at the moment, since I'm reading prophecies concerning the punishment of some countries like Cush and Egypt. What are their relations to the work of Christ? What is God saying to me through these words?

Things to ponder.

Tonight I called a whole buttload of people. Friends from high school, friends from college, etc... it was like a breath of fresh air, I tell you. I think a summer devoid of real contact with people built this innate urge to call so many people.

Thank you, God, for Your provision. How good, how great You are, that You provide so much to someone that deserves nothing.

Blessings to count:

My apartment
Getting paid to go to school
Getting to know God
The actual desire to know God
Knowing God

Oh, but how little I know You. How very little I make attempts to. How could I not? How could I rush through reading Your words? I sense that, in my rush to finish and do something that, in eternity, won't be important?

I rediscovered this song that I really got into my freshman year: 'The Friendship and the Fear' by Matt Redman

Here are the lyrics:

You confide in those who fear You
Share the secrets of Your heart
Friendship give to those who seek to
Honor You with every part

Though I'm one with unclean lips, Lord
I am crying woe is me
Trying now to rid myself of
All the things that hinder me...

From knowing You, hearing You speak
Seeing You move mysteriously
Your whisperings in my soul's ear
I want the friendship and the fear
Of knowing You

There is one thing You have spoken
There are two things I have found
You, oh Lord, are ever loving
You, oh Lord, are always strong

I am longing to discover
Both the closeness and the awe
Feel the nearness of Your whisper
Hear the glory of Your roar...

This song always sends tingles up my spine. I want this closeness. I want to be at this point of intimacy with God where I sense the close friendship, and the reverent fear that results.

If I can only approach the Word and read it for the life it contains, not for this experience that I'm hoping to get.

A burning question that I need prayer for. How am I to be fed? I think God's put me in this point in my life to learn how to feed myself... but does that mean I don't listen to the Word being preached on Sunday? Maybe I should go for listening to John Piper's sermons, as they're updated weekly from his services.

Maybe.

Please, keep that in prayer.

Going to go back on campus to take care of errands.

But before I do, I jsut wanted to extol the virtues of my tiny new phone. How fun it is to call long distance... without paying extra! The first thing I did last night was call Jimmy (my old roommate). 'Twas good to hear from him again. I also called Vincent.

Ahh, yes. Texas and CA calls, with no extra charge. Sweet.

And, with 4000 N&W, it's basically unlimited. ;-)

ok, I gotto jet. next post will be about how my Biochem lecturer reminds me of Al Franken.

Actually, that's all I have to say about that. Next post will be about other things.

So tired.

Rutgers is tiring. I walked all over campus, had to return home because i forgot my notebook, took the bus to college ave, and had to walk all the way to the book store. I bought 2 books that weighed 20 pounds each.

Burdens sure are an incredible tool to teach about how great freedom is. Freedom from weight on one's shoulders, figuratively and literally.

I received my new phone today! It works great, and is on the new Sprint 3G network, so it sounds really good.

Ok, that's today's update. I'm too worn out to say more.

I find myself awake at 4:15 am, tossing and turning.

So much on my mind.

Going to Rutgers is a totally different animal than Hopkins, I'm not sure how I can adjust. I find that in order to get all my details in order, I have to be 10 times more on top of things than I was at JHU. Loans, registration, etc. Life is harder in that I'm not sure if I'm missing something, whereas at Hopkins I knew exactly what I had to pay, what I had to do, when I had to do it, and where I had to do it. Here, I'm still not sure how I'll get paid, I'm not sure what it is I have to do, I don't know when I have to do anything, and I certainly (nor does anyone) know where to do anything.

Welcome to grad school life.

Another thing keeping me up:

Do I life what I preach? How am I keeping myself spiritually healthy? My spiritual health of late is like my diet and exercise routine: I don't have an established diet besides what's in the fridge at the moment, and I exercise once a month, looking at my last month's regimen. I practice not the art of meditation on His Words. By God's grace, the past few weeks have been getting better in my prep for the praise night, but I'm am struck (as stated in a previous entry) about my genuine faith: do I life what I profess? I preached the following last Saturday:

Romans 5:6-11

Life Is Worship

A worshipful life is a life spent in continual response to Someone greater than everything: see 1 Corinthians 10:31. A life of a Christian should be a life of worship. We are a royal priesthood, see 1 Peter 2:9. We are living temples, 2 Corinthians 6:16.

Is playing 4 hours of Chrono Trigger an example of a life spent in continual response to Someone greater than everything? When I think a lustful thought, am I being a living temple? Am I a royal priest of integrity when I lie in order to save face?

What a body of sin in which I live. I shirk so many of my responsibilities for the sake of the here and now. I've done so all summer. What a poor example of discipline!

Those thoughts are what keep me up at this wee hour.

Grace, grace, why can't understand and be freed by the concept of grace? Free to LIVE? I lose out on so many things in life because I go for the stupid cheapo lure of modern entertainment.

ARG!

My post was lost.

Ok, the weekend is over, praise night was tough in the making but fun in the execution.

Today, I went to a potluck at my brother's friend's place.

Tomorrow, I start school. As in, starting Tuesday.

I don't think i'm ready. Will I ever be?

The design process has started for the new Simplicity. It will have more features but, i'm going to try to make it yet simpler. How can that be done? We shall see.