I had my first experience with the "RU Screw" today. Just in case you don't know what an "RU Screw" is, it's the name that students at Rutgers give to farts in the Rutgers bureaucracy. Basically, they didn't give me my paycheck today... I was supposed to get it, or so I thought. Turns out, the people that took care of handing in my payroll paperwork didn't hand it in until August 30th... even though they were all submitted in the middle of July.

So, no pay today.

Welcome to Rutgers.

Ever wonder what the guy that does Triumph the Comedy Insult dog looks like?

I found this picture on Moby's website. (It's the guy to the left, if you couldn't tell :-D)

Am I just being pretentious with this website?

I've been having second doubts about my online journal. I originally conceived this idea of having one during my freshman (or was it sophomore?) year: to present the life experiences of a Christian in the modern day. However, I didn't get a start on this page until www.blogger.com came out, because it tremendously simplified the process of posting while simultaneously giving me the freedom to present my site in any form I want. However, at the time I was developing the site, I learned that web logging had been a phenomenon... man! I thought my idea was original. Oh, but I digress.

My heart has been torn for the past couple of weeks in trying to define the line between artistic expression and sensitivity. For example, if you've noticed for the past week, I've been trying to address what's been plaguing my heart for a very long time now: one-sided emotional attachment. When I first had the idea to record and display my thoughts and struggles on the subject, I questioned myself as to the appropriateness of it: would it follow the vision of the site, while protecting the anonymity and feelinngs of the person in question? I racked the situation in my mind and came to the conclusion that feelings will inevitably be hurt or disturbed by my expression. But, I wanted to stay true to the vision: this thing has been utterly consuming my mind, and if I want to be fully honest and vulnerable with my thoughts and experiences, I would be leaving out one of the biggest factors in my mental state to this day. So, I started to communicate the reality of my consciousness, and it was quite a release to be able to communicate my grapple with my obsession; to me, it was definitely following the vision of the site. This is the stuff that life is made out of. This is the stuff that people go through. This is the pain that, unfortunately, many of us go through, and I wanted to present my experience to show how Christ will work through it. I still don't know how He will, but I know that He will.

But, isn't that pretentious? As aforementioned, the person in question is inevitably uncomfortable and disturbed by my writings. If stuck in the same position, who wouldn't be? I tried to make it clear that it wasn't really herself but predominantly the obession that I was addressing, but I think a few times I did lose my judgement and did direct things her way. This problem, then, brings to mind something that reddens me with shame: am I so cowardly as to not deal with this with her personally? Am I hiding behind my little pet project to deal with my pain? Even worse, am I embarrassing this person in public? She's never done anything wrong to me; in fact, she's always was been a good friend to me, and I've tried, albeit my feelings and this recent episode, to be a servant of Christ for her. These ramifications grieve me. What have I done? Have I crossed the line?

The artist in me says, "Ah! Controversy has stirred... that means what you're doing matters! Think of the artists that you like, think of 'Creep' by Radiohead... isn't that a personal song? Didn't Thom Yorke have to hurst someone with that song?" Yes, but Radiohead can be pretentious. Yes, but I'm not really much of an artist. Who has any right to be pretentious, anyway?
The super ego in me says, "Ah! You megalomanic, you think this is about you? You think you're at the center of attention? Don't you care about others' feelings?" I have no answer...

I'm at a loss inside for what it is I am to do. I'm at a loss inside for what is the God-glorifying thing to do; have I mired myself in my flesh's thoughts so much, that I've clouded all of my judgement? The fallen nature likes to sin, but it never likes the consequences. The regenerated nature doesn't necessarily enjoy sin, and doesn't like the consequences. The temptation: why not just like it, instead of never be happy at all? The answer: the regenerated nature has a future, and has access to real Life, here on earth.

That's great... but... I'm still left in this position. Have I gone too far? Am I being to self-important with making a big deal in the first place?

The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: I am a coward.

Once again!

At the end of the summer, after much prayer, reading the Word, and internal deliberation, God made my selfishness this past year very obvious to me. Instantly in response I felt grief and anger at myself, hoping and wondering if I can right the wrongs.

Reading my posts for the past week has convinced me that I have returned to the same state of mind... oh goodness. Will I ever learn? I wrapped myself up in my thoughtlife again, and I lose sense of reality.

God, You are gracious to reveal my sin and its consequences to me... and offer me the strength and means to live Life regardless of them, and only in regard to Your Son.

Strengthen my mind and will.

****

This dialogue has been with you, apparation in my mind.

You're a fantasy.
You're a dream.
You've toyed with my emotions
My fears were suaded by your seductive ploys

But you will not tear me apart
You will not tear friends apart.
You've done your damage,
You've done your hurt

But Christ has overcome
Christ rules my heart
Christ brings me back
Be gone.

This is the time of healing.

It feels like I'm losing all my strength. I feel like this summer, this year, I've lost my grip on life. Tim for the past 3 years is not the Tim of the past year. Then again, I'm the same.

This is what came to me today:

A fatal flaw: laziness/fear.

Laziness is the fear of pain. My laziness stems from my weak, passive will. I see what it takes to do something, then shy away from it because my feelings take over. In a sense, it stems from my oversensitivity to my feelings. I think because I experience them so strongly, I don't want to face them when they're negative. Hence, my wishy-washy, whimsical experience (Funny, a couple of entries ago, I wrote about Christ the Rock. Goes to show how slow my heart is getting what's in my head):

This time is an example of my struggle as a Christian... being sensitive to my sin. When I start familiarizing myself with the goodness of God and the perfection of Christ, I have been becoming more aware of the depth and the immediate results of my sin. Oh, how I turn to it with every chance I get! In this student environment, the effects are immediate: late assignments, frustration over late assignments, poor grades, missed education opportunities... etc. I know what it takes to understand the subject: making a strong mental effort to see what the teacher is getting at, trying to adopt the new way of thinking, reading the book and the notes... obsessing.

It takes obsession to know something well, and obsession requires a lot of energy. When I see that I need that to do learn, I don't want to go through the pain. If I love the subject enough, then maybe that'd be different. But I don't love math. I don't love Biochemistry. However, I know that if I do learn these things, my mind will be able to see things in an enhanced and structured way.

Do you see the duality? See the struggle: I see the end result as greater, but I don't go after it because the immediate pain of doing something I don't like overpowers my mind. How do I get the steel will, Lord, to break through? How do I keep making those seemingly tiny, constant decisions to keep going? Jesus, how can I keep going?

Please, Lord, teach me. Give me that strength.

My professor went 25 minutes late today... so I got out of class at 7:50 PM.

Hungry.

****

You do what you feel
I feel what you do
Is it necessary?
Do you feel my heart crack?

Lord, come take my heart away
I can't take this anymore
Take this fake love
And heal what is broken.

I do what I feel
You feel what I do
I'm sorry for the damage
Will sorry be enough?

The weather today is exactly the same as last year, besides a stronger breeze this year.

Same crisp air.
Same sunny blue sky.

I don't think I've changed for the better as much as I had wanted, in the past year. The thing that I resolved to do as a response to the day... I haven't done. I haven't gotten myself focused. I still get distracted by the stupidest things, by the stupidest feelings, by the stupidest thoughts.

But what's the point of this introspection if it's not done in light of the cross, for the purpose of regeneration? It's just self-pity.

This afternoon, I'll try my best to fight. I'm going to sit at that table and stay seated. I'm not going to fall asleep. I'm going to study hard, I'm going to make mental breakthroughs. I'll "break on through to the other side."

Ok, I lost my good post. I'll try to recall what I wrote.

It seems that the best way to honor those who died is to snub the terrorists' hope to instill fear in us... to snub it by living without fear, by living with courage. It's easy to live in fear, but we who are in Christ don't have to. In fact, we're called to do something different:

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God." - Colossians 3:1

This brings to life the well-remembered parable about the wise man building his house upon the rock. Regardless of how we are assaulted by the storms of our emotions, there's a greater Truth that keeps us standing. The solidarity of historical event and the promise of life from the most trustworthy person are enough for us to face our irrational fears and emotions and fight with a strength that is not our own. Establishment upon the Rock enables us to look above and to hope in the promise of Life.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." - Romans 5:1-5

What will you listen to? What will determine if you will be left standing or broken on the ground? Will it be the waves and storms of emotion, or the solid Rock in which you are planted?

One of the most encouraging things I've heard in a while:

"okie i've been thinking about hope chapel a lot. and guess what the result is...I LOVE HOPE CHAPEL!!!!!!!!!"

When Laura came last year, I could sense that she felt like an outsider. Plus, not many really wanted to talk to her (or anyone else new, really... one of my many frustrations with what i considered the heartlessness of some of the hope chapel college upperclassmen) and she didn't seem to be adjusting too well to Hopkins. Maybe she didn't really feel like one, but I started to privately pray for her adjustment and try to welcome her. To see her genuinely say the above statement is such a blessing; God has worked so powerfully at HC this past year. So much prayer, the moment I got there...

Thanks God. You overwhelm. You broke my self-righteousness, healed old wounds, and strengthened HC.

Thanks.

I've been here for two hours and did nothing.

So tired, I think I'll just go home/sleep/get up early.

Maybe that "get up early" part won't happen.

God, strengthen me to get my work done.

Or, maybe I'll just record some more.

****

When you come up in my mind (which is often), all these thoughts come up. In response to these thoughts, I pray for them to stop, then I pray for your well-being, then for my healing.

I just pray that regardless of the burden of me, you'll grow and mature in your relationship with Him. God's jealous for your heart, infinitely more so than I am.

That always strikes me, and today's passage (see two entries ago) is an example. God's jealous for my heart; not because I would benefit Him, but because He deserves to be the center of attention, and because it's for my sake. Why, you as? He knows that I would be the most satisfied if it was Him I desired.

It all seems so wrong. It seems like I've screwed everything up.

I should go home now.

How God astounded me today:

KING NEPTUNE NIGHT AT THE CAFETERIA! I.e., all you can eat seafood... lobster, crabs, shrimp, etc. Steamed, broiled, fried.

All for a whopping 12 dollars.

Oh, so so good. I had 3 lobsters, umpteen crab legs, umpteen pieces of fried shrimp, and umpteen clam strips.

Even better, God led me to start developing relationships with some people on campus. A fellow Hopkins BME alumni has started the program with me; I went to his place and hung out a little.

During dinner, I met this one guy who started his own performance shop... crazy! He owns five Supras (old ones that he rebuilt under the hood). The one he drives around has twin turbos, NOS, and a supercharger... craazzy, that's about 850 hp to the wheels (not on paper, Jimmy). He said he'd show it to me sometime.

Ministry opportunites You've given. Thanks, Lord.

911.

Nine one one. Nine Eleven.

"The Lord says:

'These people come near to me with their mouth
and honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
Their worship of me
is made up only of rules taught by men.
Therefore once more I will astound these people
with wonder upon wonder;
the wisdom of the wise will perish,
the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish.'"

- Isaiah 29:13-14

Things like that day showed us how unwise and fallible humans can be, but I am not intimating by this passage that God let the planes hit out of punishment. I decided to post this up because it came up during today's quiet time, and I took it as a direct rebuke. I've definitely been paying more lip service than I'd like, these days. My actions have been still impulsive due to my unbridled emotions (see any of the previous posts for prime examples), because my heart is far from Him.

Please, astound me, show me how great You are.

Year Anniversary today. Yes, it's 9/10, but it happened on Tuesday last year.
I've created a Comment Thread where you can post your personal experience, thoughts, etc. on the subject, in the left column and below the entry.

Let's see what will happen.

Alexander Library @ Rutgers is pretty nice. I like the architecture, I've already thought of good photos to take (with my brother's SLR).

I will get back to studying Biochem soon, I promise.

So, any musicians out there willing to play?

****

I made so many mistakes, like making this thing inside me a public thing. However, that's the point of this journal, full honesty into the life of a Christian in this culture. Full vulnerability. I believe there should be limits to what people see, and there are limits; I haven't said everything. But maybe somewhere out there someone else is reading and sharing and understanding what little I've revealed on my experience, and seeing how God is working through it, how every road of my experience leads to the cross, and how my relationship with Him informs my daily experience.

I hope you understand.

I've been reading Isaiah for my quiet times of late, and I am trying to see what relevance it has for my passion for you. Maybe I can make sense of it and deal with it accordingly.

I hope you understand.

This isn't a replacement form of dealing with the problem, and I will deal with it for real, eventually.

I hope you understand.

I said this on Jacob's site, but I wish I could find musicians around here that I can start jamming with. I really need an outlet and the experience, otherwise I'll always be a crap musician. I can trick myself into thinking about all these great musical ideas, but without testing it in a live environment with other people, they can never be tested or shot down.

Anyone out there? This is my plea for a drummer, bassist, dj, whatever.

****

Why drag this out?
Why not make our peace?
Should I take the scalpel and sever our tie?
Should I take up the lasso and reign you in?
Should I repeat the past and let things fester inside?

Why are things this way:
Discomfort for you,
Yearning from me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt-water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
I resonate with Bono's frustrated wail, but I stop and consider:
I never had a place with you.
You and I were never we.

What's the use of all my hope?
What's the use of all my dreams?
You never shared either of them, did you.
I always thought that deep down
You did.
I always hoped that deep down
You had the longing.
Aren't you glad that you're loved?
But, I'm not in the horizon,
I'm a burden.

This quicksand called unrequited desire has engulfed me.
Will you pull me out?
Will I escape and find another?
Every moment I battle.
Please reconsider.
Who else thinks about you daily?
Who else prays for you daily?
Who else wants you to be happy?

But I reconsider.
Do you respect me?
Do you see my faults as grounds to turn you off?
Would you accept what little I have to give (myself)?
Is this enough
Will it satisfy

I'm being selfish, aren't I
Is this sin
Is this hurtful
I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want.
If it'll bring you happiness
If you'll find peace from my absence

Whatever you want.
I'm at your mercy.
I've always been at your mercy.

God, show me what to do
God, show me what to say
God, show me the way.

If it wasn't for Your mercy
If it wasn't for Your love
If it wasn't for Your kindness
How could I stand?

If it wasn't for Your cleansing
If it wasn't for Your blood
If it wasn't for Your goodness
How could I stand?

- from "Where Angels Fear to Tread" by Matt Redman.

How could we stand?

****

I still find myself thinking about you when I wake, when I sleep. If you only knew how appreciated you are. But would you appreciate the sentiment?

Stayed up all night rewiring a bass.

Tired.

God, help me in this week to really focus and get my work done.

****

One year. So much can happen in one year, yet it doesn't seem like it's been that long already. It's a cliche to say this, but it seems like it all happened yesterday. When I woke up early that morning, I remember jumping out of bed and with my newfound conviction to get into shape. At around 8:50 AM on a crisp Tuesday morning, I went to jog around the block. Along the way, I greeted two underclassmen I knew. Definitely out of shape, I panted up the steps at 9:00 AM, ashamed that it was only a 10 minute run. I showered, got ready, and walked to the library with my books to get a good head start on the first semester of my senior year.

Paul Han greeted me from an M-level desk, by the windows and the newspapers. I don't know if it was him or Rena that first told me, but I heard the news as soon as I put down my bag.

"Did you hear?", and "Isn't it crazy?"

It didn't really sink in at first. I thought it was just an accident, and that though some people got hurt, it'd be ok. However curious I was, I sat down and started to unpack.

Then, I noticed that a lot of people were getting out of their seats. More curious, I got up and realized that they were joining a crowd at the couches and telnet terminals. They were all huddled around a TV that was set up on the telnet desks, so I pushed through to see what had happened.

It was at that moment when the towers began to collapse.

Chills overtook my body, and I stood, gaping. I instantly thought of my brother, who works in New York. Paul found me, and we went to John Tang's apartment to watch the rest of the broadcast. During our trip to his place, the second tower collapsed... we sat and watched for another half hour.

Paul couldn't take watching anymore, and I was starting to share the sentiment. The first thing I did was call home.

No one picked up.

I called again, and this time, my grandmother (who was visiting at the time) picked up. Through my broken command of Korean, I realized that my parents had also gone into the city that morning.

Once again, I shivered with chills.

Next thing I know, I received a call about a prayer meeting. I instantly got up and went to the freshman quad, and met Jon Chu and some others there.

The number grew to about 50 odd people. All the ministries besides Agape were there... we prayed until the early afternoon. People were trying to hear about their siblings or parents that worked at the WTC... we laid hands on them and prayed like we never had prayed before.

After people disbanded, I finally called home to find that my parents were ok, as well as my brother. It turns out, he was on the last train in when it happened.

The next day, classes resumed, but obviously I couldn't get the previous events out of my thoughts. I wrote a refrain in my mind, repeating the phrase, "it was the day the world fell, the day the world fell, on its knees, on its knees."

My brother told me that it was just crazy for the next couple of months as he continued to go to work (his office was near the Empire State). The atmosphere crackled with tension, and he couldn't get over from seeing "Missing Person" signs strewn over every possible subway wall and traffic sign pole. The smell from the smoke wouldn't leave for months, he said.

As the anniversary draws near, it brings back a lot. In fact, it brings me back to the same state I was in last year. I thought I had gotten over it. I read up on account after account on why the Towers fell, on the engineering flaws that kept people from living, on the engineering strenghts that kept people alive, and pored over picture after picture of the hits. It was all my way of getting over it... if I understood it, it wouldn't be so shocking anymore.

I was wrong. At the time, it worked. I got over the shock. When Paul, Yogi, Ajin, my brother and I visited Ground Zero during Thanksgiving, I was sure that I had gotten over the shock after seeing the wreckage and the crayoned tributes from schoolchildren with my own eyes.

But, here I am. It's an year later, and the shock has come back again as if it never left. How can anyone forget? People who weren't connected to it have, and they talk about it as "that 9/11 thing." It unsettles me more that people make un-respectful mirth out of it (there is respectful mirth, but there's definitely more unrespectful humor out there), but oh well.

I still haven't gotten over it. Will I ever? Will we ever?

It's things like this that shock me to the reality of our frailty and our frivolousness. God, I am frail. God, I am petty. Bring me back to the cross.

Bring me back. Give me Life. I won't forget the love You've shown, I won't forget the Love You've shown.

Bring me back.

I have a major problem with concentration. It's plagued my studies throughout college.

Well, I think I can concentrate, and do it well, but when it comes to the context of studying, getting myself into the zone takes a monumental, relentless effort of sitting my butt down.

I don't know why that urge to get up and do something else is so strong.

Today, I didn't get that much done. I honestly did try, but found myself getting really antsy and unable to sit. Later, I ate at Fuddruckers with my roommates and brother since they were at a softball tourney, and it made me realize how much I like it there :-).

I had a good chat with Lee Park today, it was good to hear how she was doing. She's loving every hard-working minute of med school at Michigan. Kudos to ya, Lee!

My roommates and brother watched "My Sassy Girl" again. I guess it's better the second time around.

Ok, I admit, I had fun watching it.

Time to sign off. Later.