"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

-Romans 5:1-5 NIV

The heck? How do I rejoice in this pain that starts in the middle of my chest and spreads throughout my torso, stifling me till I can't even weep?

How could I listen to and sing these following lyrics?

"Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

And when the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,
'Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name'...

You give and take away, You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
'Lord, blessed be Your name'"

- Blessed Be the Name of the Lord, by Matt Redman

How? How can I get my heart to recognize this as a blessing in disguise? Who could ever imagine blessing coming from deep, extended betrayal? I'm bitter that I thought I was responsible for causing pain, but instead, all along I was being betrayed behind my back?

Then I think of Judas and Jesus:

"Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: 'The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.' Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, 'Greetings, Rabbi!' and kissed him.

Jesus replied, 'Friend, do what you came for.'"

- Matthew 26:48-50

Jesus, what're you doing? You know that Judas, whom You love, is screwing you over... You're just going to let Him take advantage of You like that?

"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him..."

-Hebrews 5:7-9

God, I understand all this in my mind... that You did it all for our good. But God, how do I actually make this heart rejoice? I've even tried shouting at my soul to not be downcast, but it hasn't done anything. I just don't know how to force myself to rejoice in suffering. Yes, you're teaching me perseverance to teach me character to give me hope so that I won't be disappointed. Yes, this is all a blessing. You give and take away, but how can I get this stupid and stubborn heart to GENUINELY cry, "Blessed be Your Name!" in response?

God, please, teach me. You're the only One that can show me through this... You let me into it after all. Help me to ignore all the naysayers that say to trust in myself, to simply just let go of something that won't let go of me. Every blessing You pour out should turn to praise... let this be something that will enable me to praise You at a level so deep and true that those around me may be led to You.

I'm hurting. Heal me.

Free, legal downloads of Radiohead live mp3s, from their guitarist Jonny Greenwood's website

New U2 compilation coming out: Best of 1990-2000. Only for you 90's kids, seeing as most people that grew attached to 80's U2 don't really like 90's U2.

To me, it's all the same to me at the core, I guess that's why I like them.

I previously posted the first line of the following lyric; now you can read the whole thing:

Moby (though, the lyrics are sampled from gospel recordings)

In This World

"Lordy don't leave me
All by myself

Good time's the devil
I'm a force of heaven

Lordy don't leave me
All by myself

So many time's I'm down
Down down

With the ground

Lordy don't leave me
All by myself

Whoa, in this world

Lordy don't leave me
All by myself"

From Radiohead's Fake Plastic Trees, a song about disillusionment with the world of mass marketing and mass consumption, with our obsessions of image. I'm relating to the disillusionment I experienced when my expectations and reality didn't meet on the street. I won't stay down, but it sure helps to understand how I feel, so that I can fight it.

"She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love

But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time"

Back to studying biochem.

Last night, I saw "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" with my brother and some of his friends.

It was a really fun movie... sorta like Meet the Parents in the constant humorous situations that arise, but not as dahp-dahp-heh (frustrating). The father was such a cute old man, from his extreme Greek pride (kinda like the Korean "Numbah one" biz) and his conviction that a spritz of Windex solves all physical ailments. I related with the ordeals this girl went through, growing up in a Greek family... ie, related with the embarrassment and frustration with one's ethnic background, and the embarrassment that sometimes comes from being different. Cute movie. Definitely something you should go see.

Dangit, if only Windex could also get rid of this ache in my chest.

Ho-pah!

For those of you "Southern CA is the best place in the world" enthusiasts, here's a bit of information that make you reconsider:

"California, known to be the nation's smoggiest state."

Whomever thinks NJ is the armpit of America forgot that California is the cancer-inducing butthole of America. :-)

Let the CA-enthusiasts' hatemail pour in!

(disintegration)(Timothy Kang)
(dsintegratin)(Tmothy Kng)
(dsntegratn)(Tmthy Kn)
(dsntgrtn)(mthy K)
(sntgrt)(thy)
(ntgr)(hy)
(tg)(y)
*construction pending*

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna get."

Such a cliche, but so true. I will learn to live with the expectation of the unexpected, so that I can handle situations better.

The feeling was so strong today that I couldn't sit through class. After a break, I had to leave early. I tried fighting it as hard as I could, but people sitting around me started to notice the grimace on my face that I didn't realize that I had.

It was just too much for my puny self to bear.

I went home and have been plunking away at the guitar, since. I'm wondering how I can be so affected by something so stupid, so stupid.

Listening to Moby's recent album, 18. The opening line:

"Lordy don't leave me
All by myself..."

sung by a gospel singer. Sing it, sister!

God, please, change this stubborn, JUVENILE, stupid heart of mine. I should go study now to just ignore it.

Ok, so it took me a long while to fall asleep.

Why? Well, this feeling inside, how can I describe? It might as well feel like taking an ax and splitting my chest in two. in three. in four. Until there's nothing left but raw flesh.

Once again, I thought I had finished with this whole mess, but if new things keep cropping up like this, maybe it's time to just move to isolation in a remote Pacific island.

Just when things seem to get good, things seem to happen to make things bad again.

Oh well.

I can deal with the ache, now that I've had it for so long, for different people, for different times. This is my lot, who am I to complain? Beggars can't be choosers :-).

All I know is, I can't let things like this get in the way of my life's normal functions, like studying and learning and teaching.

God, You never make sense, but in some way, I guess that's one reason why I trust You. Life's too complicated for me to make sense, and when You do things that don't make sense or seem fair, that probably means You're just dealing with the complications.

Ok. I need to sleep.

Hello everyone.

Nothing much happened today, so I will not write about what I did today.

I have been working on homework and going to class today, so I didn't think about much today.

Therefore, there isn't much to say about what I did up to this point in time. However, tonight my dad's coming down again to continue his series on systematic theology for my older brother's small group. And tonight, I will be attending to some matters of extreme importance. But for now, it is time to study and to prepare for tonight.

My friend, on her blog, brought up her fears about slipping into "a routine" in life. As for me, I'm the total opposite: I have no real routine. Yes, regular class schedule and things to attend to, but there's no set time that I must get up to commute to work. In fact, I have often found myself wanting to be in a good, disciplined routine where I can maximize my study, spiritual, and play times. But, reading about her fears makes me wonder: is that what I want? Rather, will my life be all the better if I have this rigid schedule to follow every moment?

Maybe it will. Maybe I'll get things done in time. Maybe I'll be less emotionally unstable, since I'll be on top of things.

But I ask... who is really on top of things in this world?

Just wondering. Anyhow, like I said, it's time for me to study and to prepare for tonight.

Problem solved.

Ok, so, the delay was that they needed an exact amount for my salary, but they couldn't get in touch with my professor. He never returned emails or phone calls. Once again, my professor seems to be at the crux of the issue.

Should I deal with it for the next four years? I mean, it's not totally bad since I have all the freedom to do what I want, essentially... but then, he's really late and really slow about things.

Just a thought.

Today's studying was a lot more productive.

"Vanilla Coke"

I just tried it for the first time today, and found it to be not as bad as I thought it would be. Actually, it's pretty good. However, it bears an uncanny resemblance (at least, in my mind) to creme soda. Ok, let me just taste it again to make sure. *pause* Yep, creme soda... well, maybe with a bit less "root beer bite", but pretty much the same thing. I think next time, I'll just opt for creme soda.

Ok, time to try to fix my payroll problem.

Had an interesting talk with Stan, tonight, and it was good. He pointed out that I think too much, and don't act.

Yeah, I agree.

In fact, right afterwards, I did something to prove that observation of my weakness; I won't go into details, but let's just say that I was faced with a temptation, recognized it, knew that I could have avoided it, but I followed through to commit the habitul sin. So once again, I followed my old self.

Right, and I'm supposed to speak to youth group aged kids about the power of the Gospel to save us from sin, and about the fear of the Lord. Yet, when I sin, I totally don't fear Him. I forget Him. I think that's the sin itself, you know?

Well, the repercussions have been felt, but you know, that's one battle lost. The war's won, and I'll keep fighting. I'll get it, one of these days :-)

Darnit. Glace and I were supposed to have dinner today, but because of a ton of workload I don't think it'll happen. Maybe it will, but most likely not. And I was looking forward to it, too! Oh well. It's my fault, too, I should have handled my time better these past couple of weeks.

I've been asked to speak at a youth group praise night. It's a little daunting... what can I possibly offer? I don't even have any formal pastoral training.

God, help me.

Well, I am going to try to get that work done for which I'm missing a scrumptious dinner in NY. See you tomorrow, folks.

I'm not blowing up yet, but I'm pretty angry. The lady that has been dealing with my payroll papers has not been doing a good job, and she's been very rude whenever I try to talk to her about it. She just told me today that I filled my W-4 forms wrong and have to go in tomorrow to redo it... so I asked her why I'm having to deal with it now, when I took care of all this during July. Ie, why did she wait till I didn't get my pay to inform me of the problem?

Her response?

"Come in tomorrow to refill in the form. I have to go home now."

Of course, she took the day off yesterday, and it's 3:00 PM right now. Who takes off work at 3 in the afternoon?

This is just ridiculous.

Journal of a homeless man who posts at the public library in Nashville, TN.

My response to grad school, these days:

"It's a bad thing to know too much about something."

I think I'm going insane.

I'm going insane.

I'm not a big fan of fads, seeing as I've always been an outsider. So it makes me more unhappy that "blogging" is a fad, seeing as this site would be construed as one that was borne out of a bandwagon spirit (though I've had the idea to do it for a long while, since freshman year of college).

Ok, that's me being petulant and whiney.

This is me not:

I was thinking about closing down the site, after I had the idea to do this huge revamp where I would have an indicator for the nature of the day's entry. It'd say extraspective for entries that are observations of the world or are explaining, or intraspective for entries that convey my thoughts and meditations for the day. Maybe I'll keep up the links, since it seems that people like the list of links that I've compiled. Most likely, I'll keep doing what I've been doing up to this point, but it has been a consideration.

School has been showing me how tired I am of it. I wonder a lot if i should be here, but it seems that the people God's led me to through the program are reason enough to stay on the boat.

So, I'm thinking to myself these days, less online journal, more real journal, less online time, more God time. I'm not sure if my goal was met: an evangelistic chronicle of a Christian's life, seeing as most of the people that I know that read this page are my college friends, and they're mostly Christian. Furthermore, I've now steeped myself in the culture of the technological age and find myself oversaturated and replete with information. I've gotten much out of it, but I've gained little in terms of real heavenly rewards. As for using the communicative powers of the internet, hey. If you really want to see how I'm doing, just call me. Or, I'll call you, since i have 3000 minutes left this month :-). I think it's time to get back to real life. I've lived in front of this computer for the past years to escape reality sometimes, and it's time for me to get back to my old self and get out there. I'll still go in AIM from time to time, seeing as it is a good means of keeping in touch, and maybe I'll post on here from time to time, as well, to keep things interesting.

Bye.

At the Steven Curtis Chapman concert, one of the natives that partook in the 1950s killings of Jim Elliot and his team of missionaries gave his testimony.

It was one of the most amazing ways to see how powerful and real the Gospel is... makes me see how shallow and trivial an understanding I have of its power and authority to change and give life to the lost... including myself.

I feel more lost now than I've ever felt in a long time. If you've been keeping up with my blog for the past couple of weeks, you probably are familiar with some reasons for feeling lost.

I've felt so lost this past year, and I don't know why. I've had and currently have every possible reason not to. In fact, there were times in which I had at least a sense of peace about life, but overall there's still this uncertainty of life that constantly pervades my subconcious. Feelings of emptiness and unfulfillment, waves of frustration, regret, and sadness wash over my mind sometimes.

I've addicted myself to the computer for the past... oh... 8 years? I think if there's anything that has claimed my mind and life, it's this addiction to computers. Well, more specifically, computer games, socializing online, browsing the internet, fixing and building computers, etc.

Sigh. There's so much sin that lies at the root of all of this, and so much sin that resulted... things that have left me now forlorn and lost.

This entry doesn't sound so hopeful, does it? Well, I do have hope in the fact that I can at least recognize these problems... and that Christ is eager for me to change. Something that comes to my mind:

"This is what the Sovereign LORD , the Holy One of Israel, says:

'In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.'
Therefore you will flee!
You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.'
Therefore your pursuers will be swift!
A thousand will flee
at the threat of one;
at the threat of five
you will all flee away,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
like a banner on a hill.'

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!"

- Isaiah 30:15-18, NIV

"Weekend of Travel, Tribulation, and Lessons"

Friday night, I drove up to sleep over Jimmy Choi's house in Old Tappan. Jon Chu was coming into NYC late that night, so we drove in to NYC. Along the way, as we were engrossed in conversation, we ran through a blinking red light so a cop pulled us over. It was such a dampener for the moment... it's also Jimmy's birthday, you know?

We stopped by Grey's Papaya to pick up some hot dogs (mustard and sauerkraut yum!), and had some interesting conversations about ministries... about the issue of authority, and how all of the problems in church history always stem from the issue of authority: who has it? Where is it? Problems arise when leaders try to assume too much authority over the members of the church, instead of directing them to the Scriptures.

Well, I can go more into that, but I don't remember enough to explain... but it definitely makes sense, if you think about it.

After we slept, I drove back home the next morning. I rested a little, then tried to go to my roommates' church's picnic, got lost, and had to go back home because I was getting picked up for the Steven Curtis Chapman concert in Philly.

We met up with some people, got cheesesteaks @ Tony Luke's (2nd best in city, supposedly... I thought it was realllly good), and went to the concert. It was in Temple University's Gymnasium... I met up with the Hopkins crew. So awesome. Jane Park had also come from Chicago; she had a ticket to come to NY this weekend, so she spent time with Brian. They both came, and that was a pleasant surprise.

The concert was just incredible, I'll write more later. Too tired right now.

Tribulation & Lessons: I'm a worse driver than I thought I was, and I got lost for the first time in my life today. Jersey roads are a lot more tricky than any other roads I've had to drive through in other states...

So many things that happened these past two days that I have to pray and think about.