NASTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! NOT FOR THE WEAK STOMACH-ED, FAINT-HEARTED! I really had to keep myself from puking. NASTY.

- Image taken from www.thespark.com

MENTOR
(Submissive Extrovert Abstract Thinker)

Like just 6% of the population you are a MENTOR (SEAT). Some would call you the most powerful and influential of all people. Those people are wrong.

The reality is that you DON'T really WANT to impose personal views or beliefs on others. Yet you are extroverted and intelligent, and you like to get involved. So you help others with the pursuit of knowledge.

You're the reason that people say, "teachers are also students." You are as much a learner as a master, and this satisfies you.

You won't die a lonely death, but towards the end you'll grow introspective, wondering if your life meant anything. This will last for decades, and you'll die after your spouse.

****
Of all the personality tests I've taken, this one has pegged me pretty much the best. Submissive, extroverted, abstract, thinker... pretty interesting how that's pretty much on the money.

However, thinking about "Some would call you the most powerful and influential of all people. Those people are wrong.", I wonder. What if I became more assertive, then, with imposing my views of others? What if I got good at it? Then I would be "powerful and influentional." However, I guess God made me this way to show that He's the one that's so, not me. Just a thought.

Here's the link to the test.

My man Chris Min's journal. That kid always cracks me up. Read his blog, and you'll see why; funny. He's now also in the links to the right.

PAYDAY!

Relief. I can start paying off bills, now.

Woohoo!

I've had this concern before.

I still haven't done anything much about it.

Honestly, I don't know what I can do.

I've been addicted to the computer and to the Internet for so long now. It has claimed so much time out of my life, it's kept me from being productive. Rather, my addiction has, not the internet nor computers themselves.

Honestly, I don't know what I can do.

I've tried so many things. I've tried to go cold turkey, in college, but that became an impossibility due to classes requiring the use of special programs for assignments, as well as important emails.

I want to get rid of this addiction. I have to. This is just ridiculous, the amount of time I spend reading useless things on the web. I find myself turning the computer on, or going to computer for NO REASON at all. I just open up IE, and sit there, trying to think of things to type into Google to read up on, trying to go online and see who there is to talk to. This is pathetic. This is sad. This is scary, because so much of my life has been wasted, I still waste it, and I know in the future so much of my time will be wasted.

Honestly, I don't know what I can do, but pray, and try to fix it, yet again.

This really stinks.

"I never would have guessed that I would forgive and eventually love the man that had killed my father."

- paraphrase, Steve Saint, at the Steven Curtis Chapman concert in Philly a couple of weeks ago.

I recalled this today through the most random thought process.

It started when I read on someone's website that she was going to go to Philly, and wanted to eat cheesesteaks. That called, to my mind, Tony Luke's, the best I've had so far (but that doesn't say much, since I only had Geno's and Pat's, the mediocre touristy ones). That called to mind the weekend that I ate Tony Luke's. That called to mind the concert. That called to mind the emotion and message of the night.

That brought about shame, because I had already forgotten, so quickly, about the Gospel, and that example that night of how it changes lives. Read the story on the website I have linked up.

Something else on my mind. It's been said to me that it's sometimes very frustrating to read this journal, because I always analyze but I never do. You're right. It's because I'm too sensitive to my emotions, not persistent enough to fight them in order to get something done, regardless of how I feel. That's something I've always had a problem with; that's what I have to work with.

Ok. Well, I have to go study.

Arriveducci.

"life without Christ is like having a jeep or a lex
without the keys to inject"

- Cruz Cordero, of the Cross Movement.

No wonder I'm running on empty when I start turning to other things besides You.

1:45 am, still doing homework. I'm in my lab at school working on it, since the program I have to use for it is on these computers. I feel really alone right now. Not just "now" as in at this time, but "now" as in these days.

I think it's because of my general state of dissatisfaction; I'm not sure why I am so, but I just am. God has given me every reason to be satisfied: I'm in grad school, I live in a good apartment with my brother and 2 good roommates, I'm not plagued by any serious disease, I enjoy playing guitar, I serve at a church... and I know God (at least, at the miniscule level that I do).

Yet, I find myself unsatisfied. I don't like my studies, at least, until I really get into it, but that's a real struggle. I am plagued with these constant feelings of failure and inadequacy as a person. Yet, I know that I am a child of God, and that's the only thing that seems to keep me afloat. Call it a crutch if you will, but I've come to see that my subjective experience and strength are not very trustworthy; only this objective thing, the Gospel, keeps me grounded. BUT, I still find myself plagued by a constant bombardment of these feelings and thoughts that I am a failure. I don't know why they come, but they do, and at times, I give in to the temptation... I give in hard, and get lost in these episodes of utter despair and hopelessness.

That constant battle rages on in me. Recently, it's gotten pretty bad to the point of my inability to function. It's happened many times before, and somehow I've still gotten to this point in life.

Anyhow, to follow up on my day of "sabbath rest." It wasn't much of one, though for the full afternoon, I did what I intended to do: I really got into a good meditation on the Word in preparation for this weekend, and came up with some things to chew on and refine.

However, I got distracted with other things and now, I'm doing homework. Man. I really need to figure out a better way to prioritize, to plan these things in a much more deliberate manner.

I'm slowly getting myself back into the groove of life, but I have a long road ahead. This was a very rough weekend/week up to this point. I just hope I can make it through the rest of it... not just for my sake, but for the sake of all those teens I'll be speaking to this weekend. Speak to us all, God, please. I'm all ears.

A good discussion topic. Offer your two cents, if you desire. Then again, you have to be a xanga member to add your comments to it.

Boo, Xanga, Boo.

I am finding more and more as life goes on that I have a weird love/hate relationship with technology, namely computers.

I spend so much time in front of them, yet they numb my brain.

Maybe that's why I spend so much time in front of them. I am starting to see that I can't really think whenever there's a CRT of any sort within the vicinity; there must be some generated high frequency that bothers me.

Not sure how to explain it, but it's like my thought becomes scrambled. Weird, huh?

Yet, I can achieve so many things with computers that I wouldn't have had access or the ability to do without. I can amass huge music collections, manipulate them, create my own music, make images, videos, publish thoughts, communicate, process math for assignments... etc. etc.

Hate, Love.

Today will be my day of "sabbath rest." I really need to spend time in meditation, prayer, and preparation for this weekend, my schoolwork, my life in general.

If you can, please pray for me. Thanks.

I watched the 2.5 hour MASH series finale rerun today. That was one of the finest works of television drama I have ever seen. It had great acting, great storylines, and although I didn't follow the show for its 11 year long pool of reruns, I didn't have to know. The stories were so poignant, you didn't have to.

The only bad point was the character of "Soon Lee", since the actress that portrayed her did it with a Japanese accent. Understandable, since Americans then (or now) wouldn't be able to tell the difference, but it was a little annoying as is. As for the actress, she was Keiko from Star Trek Enterprise/Deep Space Nine, wife of character Miles O'Brian, and she was in the Joy Luck Club.

Today was another low point in my life. Just one of those really hard days to get through. MASH was a good escape, but it wasn't that much of one because many of the themes reminded me of what things have stormed my consciousness of late: nervous breakdowns, transitions, failure, close friendships, saying goodbye, etc.

Just one more day. Just have to keep things in perspective. Please.

"Unshackled"

I'm developing a new look for the page. I'm getting farther and farther away from the original template, as was my intention from the start. I'm a step closer to my new master plan for this site, as well.

Getting there.

****
In the meanwhile, I notice myself getting more neurotic these days. I am starting to sense that there's a lot of spiritual battle going on, in relation to the upcoming weekend's speaking engagement I have. Same sort of weirdness happened in my prep for last month's praise night. Strange. But, I must fight.

Is this really Michelle Branch's weblog? I don't have time to investigate, but just wondering what you think.

****

God, I've already messed up some this weekend, but keep me on the right path. This is all for healing, not for making things worse. Please let it be understood for that.

"Weirdness!"

I had this dream last night that my old roommate and I were living in an apartment in some city; I couldn't tell which one it was, let's say it's NY. We're hosting a party, but I couldn't find anything in the fridge that would work together to whip up snacks. But, I found a lot of cheese, and I thought to myself, "hey, fondue is always good." So we went downstairs to go shopping, and along the way I saw Christine Choy and Hanna Lee walking together. Weird, they haven't lived together since sophomore year, I thought, but I walked up to greet and ask Christine what we would need for fondue. "Jack cheese, fresh mozarella, and white wine." I scratched my head, wondering how mozarella would work in fondue, but she seemed to know about these things. I turned to found no one standing there. Confused, I looked around, but to no avail: gone. In the meantime, Christine and Hanna invited me over. It was weird, they were living in someone else's house, and were renting out one room. Their room was dolled up very nicely, I must add. By this point I forgot about why I had left the apartment, and I forgot that I couldn't find my roommate. Why did I leave? Oh yeah, I left to go to orientation.

That's when the dream changed. I went to orientation (for what, I have no idea), and as I was exploring the school after it was over, I found that Angela Chung was having a concert in this big hall packed to the full. After it was over, I yelled to her. She turned and turned and couldn't find me, so she told me to put my elbow on my head. I did, so she found me, and that was fun. My youth group kids were there, too, after the concert. That was stranger.

I then woke up and took a shower, and this song was on repeat in my head:

"In my dream, I was drowning my sorrows
But my sorrows they'd learned to swim
Surrounding me, going down on me
Spilling over the brim
Waves of regret and waves of joy.
I reached out for the one I tried to destroy.
You, you said you'd wait till the end of the world."

-- Until the End of the World - U2

I haven't had a good night's worth of sleep all weekend. I go to bed hoping that I'd feel better, only to wake 6-8 hours later feeling like I had stayed up all night. My limbs have no energy to move, my heart beats too fast. Darnit, this stinks. I have homework due today and a test next week, and other classes to catch up in. I think I have to drop some courses. Everything's been too difficult for me to handle: re-adjusting to school life and to life at home church, this weekend's events, the demanding workload.

God, this is harder than ever. What's the thing I'm supposed to do? I can sense now what You want me to do, but it's too hard for me to sense it reliably with all these emotions running amuck inside.

All along, this pain has resurfaced in my chest. Heh, it never takes a break long enough for me to recuperate... but I just have to get on with it, or else I'll sink deeper.

Thinking back to the post about "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" reminds me of growing up being the only Korean kid around... along with all the resulting ignorance by people and its ugly fruits. The funny thing is, us minority kids ended up sticking together: picture a ragtag group of an indian, korean, and black kid. Then again... I had a lot of white friends too. It didn't make a difference to me then. It doesn't now, either, I guess that's the reason why.