It just seems insurmountable, my weakness. Here I am in my lab. I've been here for 4 hours; I came here to work on homework, and I've barely done any of it, because I kept distracting msyelf with so many different things, mostly involving the Internet, again. I'm here in a Ph.D. program, squandering away an opportunity that many people in this world would kill for. It makes me mad that I still can't get my life together, that I'm so distracted by stupid television shows and information on the Internet.

Is it abnormal? Why am I in this state of things? Isn't it normal to be responsible with one's schoowork?

It's not just reading up on music bands or blogs or news stories, it's about my mind unwilling to sit down and focus on the task at hand. It's been like this for my coursework all year, and frankly, I can't get why I keep doing the same things over and over again. It's not even frustrating more, and as I right this, I'm not feeling any emotion right now. This is more a statement of where I am right now. Maybe this Ph.D. isn't the thing that I should be pursuing... but maybe it's the thing that God wants me to pursue, in order to beat my problem with scattered interests.

I really need some help. I've struggled with this for too long. I've felt guilty and frustrated for too long. I've tried so many things to change, but I keep coming back to the same routine. Now, I'm not frustrated, I'm just trying to figure out what it will take to beat this thing.

At that, I will announce a hiatus of my writing. I don't know how long it will take, but I am determined to fight it. Sadily, I'll still have to use the Internet because some of my coursework and research absolutely requires it! Arg. That Korea article shows me what I've become: an Internet zombie.

Just woke up from falling asleep at the library. Man.

I had this dream that I woke up from falling asleep to see that I had come to the library with my brother, Joe. My mom called me on the cell, and I listened to her talk for a bit. Right after that, Pastor Ulysses from Remnant called me to return my message I've been leaving him throughout the week. We tried talking, but the reception was to bad, so I left the library, and tried to drive home... eventually, the call was just lost due to bad reception. Then, I woke up in my dream to find that I had fall asleep, and that my call with Pastor Ulysses was a dream. Instead of Joe, I found that Jimmy Yun from Hopkins was sitting there. I told him what I dreamed about. He nodded with an understanding smile (which is kinda weird, since Jim usually had an uncomfortable smile whenever I talked with him) and said that he'd call Pastor Ulysses. It seems that I had called him when I had fallen asleep and was sleep talking with him, and ended up cancelling the praise night. So, Jim left to fix the situation.

Then, I awoke, for real, to find my biochem notes scattered next to me because I was holding them before I had fallen asleep. I also had nasty cricks in my neck and back and a squashed ear. I had fallen asleep in a really bad slouch with my head resting on the arm of the chair I was in.

I need to get a drink.

****

I need to get out more. I spend too much time inside and in front of the computer, these days. Inside my apartment, inside my lab, inside the library, etc... always inside, in front of the computer. Change will be difficult, but I think I can do it.

The brainwashing of Korea.

I find that when I start inundating myself/turning to modern media, my mind generally becomes more frazzled. It becomes this cycle of discomfort, turning to media for comfort, and more discomfort as a result. Discomfort meaning, my mind is just numbed and not tuned in with what God's saying.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I found the lyrics below on my hard drive. I forget when I typed it out.

Fight

You've had me in the corner
You've had me on my knees
You've had my face in the pillow
Screaming, as you pleased

You've snuck up close behind me
You stole some life away
Tiny moments here and there
Precious thoughts, they say

I'm not going to stand here anymore
Without putting up a fight, you be sure
You've won in the past, you've won in the past
But I'll start winning now, cos...

This Rock will break you down
This Rock will break you down

****

The "you" in this has been many things... particularly, that innate desire to be preoccupied.

Anyhow, I am looking around me at the people I see at grad school. I see people like me, but at the same time they're not. I feel so inadequate, not because of comparisons with my peers in my department, but in comparison with my ideal of what I should be doing with my time.

It's not good to dwell in these things if nothing's done, so tonight, I wrote out a long checklist of every single thing that I have to do in all areas of my life. It's long. And I still spent this past evening watching VH1 Behind the Music, The X-files, and Smallville.

My stupidity amazes me. Though really, I guess I shouldn't raise such high expectations for myself anymore if I keep doing this.

I kid! I kid!

This editorial is finished. Time to sleep and get up early to get cracking at that To Do list.

The bike is great, I'm having a great time riding around the campus.

****

Still struggling to study.

****

Still have that restlessness. Is this feelings based? Is it because I haven't meditated upon God enough, today?

Not sure.

This is not a "feelings report."

I got my new ride today. Oh man, it's going to be so much fun to ride around campus, I can't wait.

I just hope it doesn't get stolen.

****

"Why is purpose a necessary thing for human existence?"

In relation to a previous post, it seems from the comments received, only one person really grasped the nature of my question. Thanks John. We had a conversation about it afterwards, and this is what came of it:



Me: our need for purpose
Me: is God implanting His image into us
John: yeah
Me: animals don't have a purpose to live, they just want to live
John: yes
John: and even thinking about God
Me: people need a purpose, so much that they're willing not to live for it
John: and his creating this universe
John: every thing he made
John: and did
John: was very intentional

In other words, I’m starting to think that the purpose… of purpose stems from us being made in God’s image. God is the utmost being of purpose. Since we are but a shadow of Him, a pale facsimile image of Him, we have implanted within us a facsimile of His trait of Divine Purpose. This facsimile is our need for purpose in order to have an existence. To reiterate what I just wrote, this is a facsimile, because God exists (He is “I AM”) and has Purpose, while we need a purpose in order to exist. That’s how we are different from animals, and are made in God’s image: animals’ only purposes are to stay alive, while humans want to have purpose more than they have life. Think of all of why people are depressed and suicidal, why people go crazy, why it’s an ideal for people to die for their purpose rather than compromise it.

I wish I can develop this more, but it’s 2 AM. I’m tired.

I had a whole slew of dreams that were really vivid last night, and I've already forgotten a lot of them. One sticks out, and that's the one where paul, one of gentyle's friends, came over so that we could jam. However, I was totally unprepared; I didn't have a drumset, I lost my congoes, so he had nothing to play with. Then, I decided I'd play anyhow, so I set my drumtrack going and tried to play. I couldn't get on beat and my notes were all off, so paul got mad and went to the bedroom. for some strange reason, there was this 3rd grader there that he knew and started to babysit. As I walked to my room, the door of my roommate's bedroom opened, and out walked this 50-something Korean ah-jumma (lady) with this scolding countenance. So, Paul decided to go home, and I went with him on the Rutgers bus... except the bus wasn't going on any familiar neighborhood. strange. It's dreams like these that scare me, because every time I've had a dream like this in the past, I end up encountering the strange locals and faces in the distant future... almost prophetic, if you will.

*shudder*

anyhow, I am mucho tired. I tried to get up this morning, but it was really difficult. I don't know why I've been so fatigued of late, in the morning... so much so that I notice that drool is starting to come out, and that only happens when I'm absolutely exhausted. But, what is exhausting me? Maybe I have sleep apnea, the condition where the airways close up while sleeping... leaving the person asleep without oxygen for as long as 30 seconds. Is that why I wake up so tired in the mornings? Is that why I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, because it feels like I'm suffocating?

Curiouser and curiouser.

****

"Sweet Home Alabama"

I didn't see it yet, but doesn't it seem like it's a modern update of Breakfast at Tiffany's? I mean, not an exact update, but its premise is really similar. Country bumpkin trying to shed her roots, they come back to haunt when she least wants it to, etc.

Just curious.

"Most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. There are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise. The longings which arise in us when we first fall in love, or first think of some foreign country, or first take up some subject that excites us, are longings which no marriage, no travel, no learning, can really satisfy. I am not now speaking of what would be ordinarily called unsuccessful marriages, or holidays, or learned careers. I am speaking of the best possible ones. There was something we grasped at, in
that first moment of longing, which just fades away in the reality. I think everyone knows what I mean. The wife may be a good wife, and the hotels and the scenery may have been excellent, and chemistry may be a very interesting job: but something has evaded us." [pg 135, Mere Christianity]

Clive Staples Lewis, you've pinned down my psyche.

Essays by Stan Wooh. In the section labeled "The Call for Community," Stan touches on points that have been haunting me of late (see my post on 10/2/2002 9:09:35 PM).

Stan, your writings always impress me.

(hey, at least someone got something out of his major (writing seminars) during college.)

****

I budgeted things so that I would have at least $100 left in my account after paying for bills and buying a bike. However, I found that there is a mysterious amount of about $130 missing, and I think it's due to Sprint. They're overcharging me. Yep. I think I'm going to have to fight them, yet again.

Still having misgivings about Ph.D.

After the events of this past year, I'm wondering, how do I mess up every attempt to establish a romantic relationship? The same exact thing has always happened ever since high school. Girl of interest and I become friends, I find that it's one-sided, oh well, let's just be friends, or, let's just make new ones. Every single person. And I always get comments like, "You'll make a good husband", "You're a nice, sensitive, caring person". It's quite humorous, in the sadistic sense. I always seem to place myself in situations where I end up getting burned.

Well, I'm pretty much set in not really looking any more, at least for a while. This is just too much for me to care about anymore, and if I look now, it'll just be rebound.

Life is still good, in many ways, and yes, I can't complain. I'm still being lazy and irresponsible in many ways, as well, and it seems that God's teaching me to start focusing on Him, so that I stop being such. All of these past events have been pointing to my New Year's resolution/prayer request, that I learn to love God more realistically and more meaningfully than ever before.

He's been supplying the answers, but in the ways that I had least expected or wanted.

Even though I have hope, I am still generally unhappy with who and where I am. Why? Why do I have such a weak grasp of my standing and benefits in Christ?

Again, I'm brought back to the issue of Ph.D. What is it that I am to do?

****

FYI, the homeless guy I have linked up is really homeless.