Took a 4 — or was it 6? — hour nap today. So tired. I just got up, with my teeth feeling all weird; I shouldn't have dozed off right after eating spaghetti.

Things God has been facing me with:

- realization of my self-righteousness, and depths of their extent which I did not realize. I see it in the way I respond to people with whom I find much doctrinal and spiritual issues, especially when they think they're spiritual giants. I see it in the way I respond to people who I can't relate with, particularly because they don't get what I talk about, and particularly because they talk about shallow topics. It is striking to see how self-righteous I can be, right after asking God to help me with all of my faults. The parable of the ungrateful servant quickly comes to mind, in this instance.

- realization of my fickleness. I find myself too easily swayed by my emotions and emotional attachments. This battle between emotion and mind is uphill.

Intensely flawed.

****

This one is for you anglers out there. And I'm not necessarily talking about fishing.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail44.html

I didn't have any access to their music while growing up, but this is just unbelieveable. Why would anyone doe this? Tupac, Biggie Smalls, I understand (to some degree) since that's 'the thug life' they always rapped about.

But Run DMC? Who would ever want to take Jam Master Jay out?

Weird. Man, I wish I knew more about these guys to properly make a proper tribute, but it is very clear that they are important. I was watching a CNN Talkback special while was eating at the food court today, and they had the Sugar Hill Gang on as guests.

It is a striking thing to see that with the death of Jay, the reality hits hard that the 'foundation generation' of hip hop is getting older and will eventually pass away. I just hope that some new artists come out with the same level of socially conscious and musically groundbreaking work that defined Run DMC of the 80's... because all that we have now is just the same vicious cycle of trash being pumped out by today's media.

"We are not thugs, we don't use drugs
But you assume on your own
They offer coke and lots of dope
But we just leave it alone
It's like that y'all (y'all), but we don't quit
You keep on (rock!) shock! Cause this is it...

It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's Tricky...(How is it?) Tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Tricky)
It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time
It's Tricky...Tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tricky (Tr-Tr-Tr-Tricky) Tr-tr-tr.."

— It's Tricky, Run DMC

(if you want to hear what it sounds like, go to Stan's site, or play the video game SSX)

"The Language of Learning"

I have been up teaching myself the system of diminished, augmented, and 7th chords. 9th, 11th, and 13th will come later. Seeing the systematic method of adding and subtracting nodes reminds me of memorizing molecular structures in biochemistry. There is a pattern to learning them; it's just a systematic method of adding atoms and double bonds to basic structures.

This has started to teach me the reality of learning in the following light: to learn how to do anything in life well, you have to become fluent in the "language" of it. The simile starts with the subject of comparison, language. Language is simply a systematic construct created for the purpose of thought communication. Though, sometimes it is not very systematic, seeing as we are also random, diverse beings. Different people have a better command of language and thereby are able to communicate better, and thereby assigned the task of communicating life: hence, the poets, journalists, novelists, etc. of any culture. These people communicate will because they understand language well: they know their constructs of language so well that they don't get bogged down with details, they just express very well. That is the purpose of all that training and workshop attending and paper critique-ing.

Apply this simile to music. The language of music has the alphabet of notes, the words of chords, the sentences of chord progressions, and the grammatical rules of music theory. Musicans are those that have a masterful command of the language of music: as they create their masterpieces, they use their musical 'voices' to 'speak' the music. Reading off of sheet music is directly analogous to reading a book out loud. Arranging a piece of music is like drafting a letter. The difference between crap and great musicians is just like the difference between an illiterate bum off the street and a Nobel Poet Laureate. This makes me realize that if I want to be a great musician, first I have to be as literate as I can be with the musical language, and second I have to have the voice and artistic vision to masterfully express emotion and thought.

Apply this simile to science and engineering. The language of either is mathematics and systematic rules drafted by observed patterns. That is the core of the sciences of Western civilization. Science is the arm that creates the language. The good scientists are the ones that exercise their masterful command of the language of science to artistically develop ways to find, and to actually find new systematic rules. The good engineers are the ones that exercise their masterful command of the language of applied science to artistically solve problems in this world.

Apply this simile to medicine, to sports, to any activity out there, and you will see why the greats in each field are the greats: they know the language of their respective fields very well. They are at the point where their energies are expended upon their task: write a life-changing poem, shoot a perfect basket, design the perfect car, and score the perfect song.

I think if we understand these principles and pursue knowing our respective 'languages' as soon as possible, this world would be a lot different. But we forget that life isn't just about careers and production, it's about caring for those God places in our lives —whether we love them or not!— and attending to the issues of survival. It is then that we become frustrated, because we don't have time learn our 'languages' well or we can't use them to the capacity that we could.

Nonetheless, I think it is of utmost importance for people understand this concept. There would be a lot less complaining if we really understood why we have to take whatever boring classes we have to take, why we practice scales 8 hours day.

In fact, one can extend this concept to include life, and life with Christ. I think you can figure this one out again. It is a special case where we are learning the language of life for eternity, and I think that is the key to bearing through hard times. There would be a lot less complaining if we really understood why we have to go through hard breakups and unjustly suffer and struggle to make ends meet. If we who are in Christ being to realize that we're learning the language of life, we'd find less room to complain because we have the hope that some day, the training will be over, and we can stand proud to say,

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."

2 Timothy 4:6-8

"I'll laugh until my head comes off
I'll swallow till I burst
Until I burst
Until I..."

- Idiotheque, Radiohead.

Regardless of what I think and reason, I always find myself in the same place: despondence. Why?

You got me.

The next lyrics speak to me as well:

"And it's you I see, but you don't see me.
And it's you I hear, so loud and clear.
I sing it loud and clear.
And I'll always be waiting for you.

So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention,
And you know how much I need you,
But you never even seen me."

- Shiver, Coldplay

This is the story of me. But, as I think about it, it is the story of Christ and us. Except for the part, "you know how much I need you", since Christ doesn't need us. But, He still longs for me to see Him, because He knows that it is only Him that satisfies. Actually, what is the Biblical basis for that last sentence? Anybody care to list some passages that clearly say that? Anyhow. Oh, if my heart wouldn't be so blind.

I had a good conversation with Lee Park last night about relationships, about God, about how we're both set to be single for a while.

At least, we're both content on being single. No more depending upon romantic yearnings for emotional security.

****

Looking back at college, there was never a time where I wasn't interested in someone. Granted, I was really only interested in three girls, though I even tried to be interested in another one (I felt obligated to, don't ask why). But, God has shown me, out of HIs grace, that I had pursued these situations the wrong way; I depended more upon how they made me feel. I depended more upon the excitement I got from interacting with them, rather than honest, heartfelt consultation with God. I did do the latter, but it wasn't the basis of my pursuit. The prayer and consultation were done to confirm the basis: my emotions and physical attraction.

It is quite a difficult thing to learn and recognize, especially for a pigheaded person like me. But, now I am starting to learn, thanks be to God. I have already started to see myself fall into similar patterns as before, but this time around I am trying to be much more cautious. There is nothing wrong with attraction, but there is everything wrong with the way I start to respond to it. God has been strengthening me to pray and talk with Him first, and it has been a joy. I feel more free now.

****

Back to work. Adios.

Must keep fighting.

"Racism"

I can't believe that it still goes on in NJ. I had to go through it when I was living in Scotch Plains and Fanwood during my childhood. My brother had to go through it when we were living in Flushing during the early 80s, before all the Koreans flooded in. According to the teachers and students, I was never Korean, always Chinese and Japanese. Every new place we moved to, we had to prove ourselves to our friends.

Now, I'm talking to a student I know in Bergen County, and he says that it's pretty rampant in his school. Teachers blame him and all the other Korean kids for causing all the trouble, for being lazy, etc.

Sad. No side is perfect, but there is never justification for racism.

From "What Do you See"

"No time to blink, but just continue to think of Scripture,
Let it convict ya, focus get in to picture
Watch it blow you square off the rector
As it teaches you of the real Victor,
Who prevails, you hear the crucifixion details
Now ask yourself why’s your life still derailed,
And why we fail to live for the One we nailed,
This same Jesus, you know the One we Hail
With our lips but not with our lives
Time to see with the heart and not with our eyes
See the Son, the One, who was hung like a poster
Was buried, but popped up like a toaster
Got all the host of heaven makin’ a toast to
The King of kings who brings God and men closer

Sin’s roped ya, guns out the holster
Can’t stay alive even with John Travolta
Now I hope to pull you off the sofa
Cut the TVs pause the CD’s, the culture
Is in the midst of a raging storm
The rage is on, obituary page is long
Life is short, but casket sales are high,
No surprise that numbers in the jails are high
On the streets anything you want they’ll supply,
That’s why beer, crack and weed sales are high
Love songs making you wail and cry,
Number of pregnant single females is high,
Youth get high---deal just to get by,
Doing street corner business with no suit & tie
It’s “do or die”, truth or lie, you and I
Refuse to try, and trust the Crucified

Yo what do you see when you close your eyes?
What will you see when your life goes by?
Think hard, visualize the ill mob
Either you'll feel God, or your heart's real hard

Yo what do you see when you close your eyes?
What will you see when your life goes by?
Think hard, visualize the ill mob
Bombarding, fatally scarring the Son of God

You gotto let this thing soak in... Sometimes we need we to reflect on what He went through for me, for you. In light of His mercy, let us present ourselves as livin' sacrifices, holy, pleasing and acceptable to Him. In other words, you believe it, live it."

- The Cross Movement

"USA! USA! HOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

- Hacksaw Jim Duggan

You know, with all this 9/11 national pride hype, I am very surprised that we have not yet heard from the spokesman of nation pride hype himself, Hacksaw Jim Duggan. For those who grew up watching WWF during the turn of the 80s to the 90s, how could you not like the man? He was fun. He spoke loudly and carried a big stick (remember that 2 X 4?). He paraded around with that proud march and got us all to chant with him, 'USA! USA! HOoooooooooooo!"

He is another fond childhood memory. I miss that man.

****

Still I float around the campus on my bike, thinking, praying, hoping, wishing for me to live my life better. I am twenty two, out of college, twenty two. Lickety split, I have jumped clear from that furiously paced academic train onto the mezzanine, walking to the next line. Do I take the 1,3,9? The A C E?

The rustle of the stray newspaper awakes me from dozing off as I head uptown. The past year I've been on this line, trying to escape the claws of mine obssesion, but I didn't 'stand clear of the closing doors' in time. In time, I am thrown out, and find myself on the Northeast Corridor, headed into the depths of New Jersey.

God, I think/ask, I don't like this, but I'm on this train. I'm trying my best to find the seat, but people keep shoving me around. All of these feelings keep welling up, and I don't know what I should do with them. Am I in over my head?

Lickety split, I have jumped clear from that furiously paced academic train onto the mezzanine, only to find that it's a one-train-platform.

I get back on, hoping, praying that I can do right this time.

I get back on, hoping, praying that I can do right this time.

Maybe if I keep repeating that, I will find my own Kansas.

Girl, are you there? Are you listening? Do you hear my heart beat, my prayers that have escaped my heart for you? I have prayed that you would love God more than me. I have prayed that you would understand my obsessive tendencies and love them and nurture them and become a part of my experimental mind, critiquing and molding the ideas. It won't be just be me, it'll be us, and we can go to the stars with the space ships we dream up.

Girl, are you there? I can't find you. I kept thinking you were someone else, but I have found that maybe you're not in the horizons.

Treasure, are you there? Hidden pearl in the market, I would sell everything I own to obtain you, to love you, to cherish, to polish, to keep on a velvet pillow in the soft moonlight.

****
Time is too short to say its Ok
To think I can live this way For just another day
So I'll search through the night for the one my heart loves
Wont stop till I've found You, for Lord I need to hold you close

Be the King of this heart again
Be the King of this life
In my soul there's a cry today
Be the King of this heart
Be the King of this heart again

I've stood in the desert and thirsted for you
I've run through the city now I wont let go
I'm throwing myself on your mercy O God
You say it's all or nothing, I'm saying "Jesus, have it all"

Be the light for my eyes, Be the strength for my feet
Be the love of my soul, be my everything
Be my day and my night, when I wake when I sleep
Undivided my heart will be.

- Matt Redman
****
God, what was that? I'm looking for the wrong thing? What was that? I should be searching for a Lamb? But God, why is it still so hard for me to be changed? Why is my heart so hard? You do all these things to soften it, but I keep saying 'no'. Is my life the same I feared it to be? I am doing jack squat for research. I am doing the bare minimum, yet you bless me by more than I deserve: I'm still afloat. Can't you give me a love for what I do?

Oh, but that would be an idol before You.

God, why don't I have that special "it" that those music stars have? Why can't I silence a room with the sound of my voice and the emotion of my heart? Why can't I play deceptively simple but complex guitar phrases? Can I be the guy that is 'strumming their pains with my fingers?' I want to have that power, I want to change and impact people with my expressed thoughts and emotions through my musical language. Yet, I feel like a 3rd year Spanish student, only at the level of understanding some words and phrases.

Oh, ok. I see. That would make all the glory go to me, and that means that I wouldn't really be changing people... it'll eventually crumble.

Fine. So here I am. What is to come of me? All these dreams are gone. All these hopes are gone. You are the only Hope left.

Is this the point at which You wanted to get me?

****
Yours is my heart, from beginning to end.
In the grip of Your grace, I will rest.
Yours is my heart, my Redeemer and Friend
For the cross is my refuge in times of distress,
Oh Lord, Yours is my heart.

- Jimmy Choi

****

Jesus, in this time of frailty, prove Yourself strong.

"Paper Thin"

Quiet stares and furtive thoughts
You see right through me.
All the nervous laughing and silly joking
You see right through me.

Where do we go from here?
My skin is paper thin.
What do You want from me?
These walls are paper thin.

Here I am, mouthing the denial
You agree with me.
Here I am, trying to know Your words
You're here with me.

Where do we go from here?
My thoughts are paper thin.
Please, protect me.
My heart is paper thin.

****

Sitting here, thinking about today so far. Woke up, posted the last entry. Made 'lunch', went to class. Typed out a track listing and commentary for a mix that I made for the praise night drummer, then sent it off. Came home, did laundry, prepared sushi for dinner, and since then I've been figuring out my bills & budget.

Still haven't started to study yet... phew! What a long night this is going to be.

Thank you, God, for providing for me in all of these things. We do live in Your beautiful world... yeah we do, yeah we do.

"The Dream Bandwagon"

So, seeing as the recent fad started by the great Yake, I present this morning's brain farts.

I was travelling downtown of this generic city (more along the lines of Baltimore and Philly, not NY & LA) with my brother's co-worker, Isabel. It was strang, because we were supposed to be picking something up, and since we knew each other because of my brother, we sat next to each other in the bus. When we reached our destination, the dream jumped to the point after we got what we needed. Needing a ride home, we ran into someone that I knew (not really someone I know in real life, but a character created by my mind) that was willing to give us a ride. We walked for a couple of blocks and found that her car was a truck. More like, one of htose armored cars that banks use to move money, except the side slide opn to reveal rows of seats.

"Hey, I know you! You always drive this to the hospital where I work!" exclaimed Isabel.

Since when did she work at the hospital?

At this point, the dream shifted. I was playing this poorly rendered 3D helicopter simulator game, but as I started to play, the dream shifted again, and I was now piloting a remote control helicopter. After playing with that for a while, the dream shifted yet again to a window at the Carlisle Apartments near Hopknis. I was with a bunch of kids trying to fly the helicopter from the room window we were at to a window across the way. The apartments, if viewed from the top, are shaped like a big C; we were in the beginning of the bottom bend of the C, the other group was in the bottom tip of the C. To ensure that the helicopter wouldn't crash, we had thrown a string across the way to link us together, and threaded it through one of the helicopter's runners. Suddenly, one of the kids jumped out of the window. I panicked at first, but out of nowhere, a rooftop materialized between the rooms. Oh yeah, that's always been there, I reasoned.

The dream shifted again to the room I was in becoming a haunted room. There were a handful of people besides me, none of which I knew, and it seemed like we were in a classroom. The teacher in the room apparently knew the two ghosts: one an old man, one a mean old lady. The old man looked like the nice old guy from the 80's helicopter action show 'Airwolf' (He's been in a lot of other stuff, but that's probably the most memorable for me). So, I was trying to do something to call back the other one; there was this pendulum that started to swing weirdly, and I had this little plastic toy strung up (don't ask) near it, so that it would bring her out. She then came out and started to grumble, and then, started to say things from a book I had open. I realized that they were blasphemous things against Christ, and that's when it dawned upon me: there's no such thing as ghosts, only demons, and they were very clearly demons, because of what 'she' was saying. Oddly enough, Yakob was sitting there as if he were there along, and we were agreeing that it had to be demons.

That's when I woke up.

****

Did you notice that dreams (brain farts) can simply be randomly strung thoughts, strung together by weird and non-sensical ties? For example, that last whole sequence was linked by helicopters.

Ok, time to live.

Well, anyhow.

Start of a new week. What will it bring?

Hopes:

- Less computer time
- Less wallowing in feelings
- More work time
- More music time
- More God time

God, because of my standing in Christ, please provide the strength to do the above.

Again, from Danny:

"So this bear and this rabbit are in the woods taking a crap (why do they call it "taking a crap", when you're not taking it anywhere? you're actually leaving it) when the bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Hey, do you ever have problems with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit then turns to the bear, thinking fortunately and somewhat highly of himself, and replies, "Nope." The bear says "Oh, nice." Then, just as the rabbit's about to reply with a proud "yup" the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it."

"Grace"

The grace of God is a concept that has always eluded my heart. Most of the things that I attribute to His Grace are pretty trivial, albeit, true. Things like, my livelihood.

But, still, there is that oomph that I just still can't get. Why? Why am I still not fully and deeply affected by the message of the cross? It is because of this absence of connection that I see my life always stuck in the same viscious cycles. For example, I want to change the way I handle my emotions, but I'm too emotional to steel my will to carry out the conviction. Another example: since when I have become so petty? Have I always been so petty, so easily annoyed at the stupidest things? I find myself frequently in a whining mood, and then, after I try to change it, I slip back into this emotional, whiney, critical spirit. An example of this tendency JUST happened recently, and though I thought I was joking, afterwards, I realized that I wasn't. It's quite a humiliating thing to see oneself in such a state: out of control.

I attribute most of my problems to this inability/refusal of my heart/psyche to fully sit at the foot of the Cross and bare everything. My lack of confidence, my laziness, my emotionally driven personality all seem to stem from my slow response to the Good News of Grace.

This is real. This is honest. I cannot put up any pretense of holiness or righteousness, this is where I am and have always been: struggling with myself to get the Gospel, to get God, to get life. Mixed in there are my latent obssessions to be a good musician and to be held in the high esteem by others. These are things that need to be fought. God gave me a need for companionship in order to feel complete; I guess that's what makes me the extrovert.

****

God was really gracious today in providing for youth group's first fundraiser for the drumset. We made quadruple the amount of money that we had expected to make, and afterwards, I was stopped by an elder and the director of music for questioning. I'm happy that the parents are starting to notice their kids being pro-active and responsible. Sadly, I notice that Korean parents tend to give younger people little credit, but I hope it's things like this that will start to change that.

****

I have noticed that even so soon after experiencing the pain of heartache, I find this fickle heart quickly on the prowl for someone new to attach itself. If you couldn't tell already from my last post, when I fall, I fall hard; it's something about that intimate exchange of thought, experience, and emotion that draws my heart to long for a strong, deep, meaningful, romantic relationship. I think it is because of this tendency that feeds into this constant feeling of lonliness. No self-pity here, but I'm simply trying to do some good, Christ-centered introspection so that I can GET this Gospel, so that I CAN change. What a long road this is.