"Naïve - Showing or characterized by a lack of sophistication and critical judgment."

— www.dictionary.com

Frustration erupts after I review my limitations, my faults, and the problems that ensue as a result. I think about one particular scenario in my life, and it surprises me that I find my heart still angry, my mind still repeating things like, "How can someone be so naïve?"

I think also about my own naiveté about that particular scenario and many others, and I am shamed.

It's one of those periods of time where it seems like I just don't have what it takes to make it anywhere in life except for doing deadpeat, menial tasks for a living.

It's one of those periods where I feel like I'll never meet anyone, since I've never met anyone that felt the same way. But after seeing so many broken relationships, I'm not going to be tempted by the 'grass that looks greener,' since in my mind I know that being in a relationship with a girl isn't much better than enjoying 'the rich single life.'

****

Biochem test, again, and I'm not prepared for it, again.

*sigh*

"Then can you tell me, what, what we gonna do now,
Where we gonna go now, what we gonna say now?"

Sing it, sister.

"Chamomile Tea, Sweetened with Honey"

I just had my first cup, and now I'm hooked. This stuff has an odd, almost minty flavor about it, without the minty feel. Honey just makes it all the more sweeter. Very good. I think I'm going to drink this stuff on a consistent basis, from this point on. That's right, give up old habits like AIM, take up new ones like.. drinking chamomile tea:

AIM.... is pulling... too... hard.... must not ope—

*sip*

Ah, much better. AIM, you are toast.

"Now if we can agree with who created us to be
Who says we're guilty everyone before his eyes
Making no exceptions, since the day of our conception
Predisposed to hating truth, and loving lies

Then can you tell me, what, what we gonna do now
Where we gonna go now, what we gonna say now
Then can you tell me, what, what we gonna do now
Where we gonna go now, what we gonna say now

Stop walking in pride, let the thief be crucified
Un-learn everything you know, and let him teach you
Line upon line, every step upon pre-step, say goodbye,
To this decaying social system
He wants to know, how far we're willing to go
If we love him like we say we do,
He will try us

Just don't regress,
Or slip into hopelessness
Once he's satisfied his love,
He won't deny us,

And then he'll tell us,
What, what we gonna do now
Where we gonna go now, what we gonna say now

And then he'll tell us,
What, what we gonna do now
Where we gonna go now, what we gonna say now"

— Excerpt from Adam Lives In Theory, From the last Lauryn Hill CD, MTV Unplugged 2.0 (I think I got it last March)

I also like I Gotta Find Peace of Mind. Actually, I like a lot of the stuff on the cd... though it's not very poppy. Then again, you know my musical tastes: not very poppy.

"Email From Mom"

dear Tim:

I am grateful to have a passionate son for the LOrd.
The fact alone you are a lover of our precious Lord comforts your mother very deeply.
You are my reward for all these years' tears. How can I complain?
How can I not praise God with all my might!
Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you Tim.
Thank you.

In His grace,
mom

****

This is a very random email that I just received from my mother. Albeit, encouraging, but really random. Ah. Who am I to complain?

****

This weekend is going to be killer. As well, I'm going to try to stay up, with no distractions, to study like I've never studied before.

Danny's most recent jowke:

"Where does lettuce go to worship God?

To the Sangchu-ary!

Oh snap yo, that one was a Danny Dokko original."

Ok, you have to know Korean to get the joke. Later.

How do we fail at breaking bad habits?

Listening to that voice inside that reasons, "Just once. It won't hurt. It won't take up any time." I find myself trying to reason with... myself... —right— to sign on AIM again. "Oh, you have to talk to this person about this thing," or, "Well, Tim, you haven't seen this person in a while," etc. etc.

But then I fight that with, "If it's that important, then why don't I just give the person a call, or an email?"

HA! Take that, addicted mind. Good thing I haven't listened to it yet. AIM, you are going down!

Sigh. I have 5.5 years of addiction that I'm going against. I will win.

Anyhow, I'm finding myself starting to cut back on blogging and reading other's blogs as well. No more extra browsing, I'll read only from the blogs on my list. No more clicking on links on others' blogs. That's what starts the downfall.

****

"Half Baked"

How can I fight my tendency to get excited over ideas that are merely half-baked ideas? How do I recognize that they aren't really worth getting excited over?

I'm starting to write things down more often now.

Well, actually, I was pretty good at writing things down, especially during junior year. I had a pretty copius journal throughout college. It didn't record exactly what I did, but it was more a collection of sermon notes, discussions with God, and venting frustrations.

Hm. Besides the sermon notes, that sounds a lot like this blog :-)

Today was a productive day. Thank you, God.

I've compiled a list of bad habits that have caused a lot of distraction and problems.

The Internet is one of the things on the top of that list.

Honestly, I'm thinking of all the benefits and problems that have resulted from all the time I've glued my eyes to the CRT, soaking in information and falsely fulfilling my latent need for company.

I find that the problems have outweighed the benefits.

Looking at this past year alone, I think 75% of the time I have spent awake has been wasted on this blog, on reading others' blogs, chatting, staring, reading up on useless trivia on bands I like, etc.

AIM? I think that'll be discontinued for a while.

Cold turkey rarely works. It hasn't in the past.

This time it will work. God, I ask for Your strength, in Your Son's name.

No matter how hard I rationalize and uphold an ideal in my head, it rarely sways or changes my heart. Why is that so? Why do we so easily cogitate but fail miserably at getting our hearts to agree?

This dichotomy describes so many areas in my life. One of the easiest examples can be getting over romances or bad relational entanglements. Though my mind is quick is to fully understand rejection and to uphold the ideals of forgiveness, I find my heart being infinitely slow in cooperation. Another example is honestly responding to the Gospel. Although my mind is quick to understand the concept of sin, and believe in the truth of Christ's complete work in saving me from it, my heart is still slow in HONESTLY responding to it. Why won't it listen to reason? How does one conduct the chord progressions of the heart? How does one steer through its stubborn waters?

Again, in my mind, I can come up with a reason. But what of my heart?

Why do I still feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, not at the place where I'm supposed to be?

Why are we, at large, plagued by this unhappiness, this dissatisfaction with our lives?

For me, I think I have a lot of issues to work out with dissatisfaction and pride. I still don't get why I'm not full of gratitude. I still don't get why I act like a spoiled child, demanding all these from God.

But I don't want to spend the next five years staring at computer screens, and that's what I might have to do.

Still haven't applied to fellowships, though I've been telling myself to do so for the past 2 months; deadlines are drawing near.

Tim, why are you this way?

Historically, I've always been a distracted person. I've thus never really handed assignments in on time, my work has always been of low quality because I don't have the focus to work on it with full attention. Is it a problem of motivation?

Tim, why are you this way?

When the problems in life hit because of personal failures and character faults, how does one escape from the viscious cycle of frustration?

Tim, the I AM will pull you from this miry clay.

From the perspective of the world, I am pathetic and weak-willed.

Tim, the I AM will show you His Kingdom.

All creatures of our God and King
Lift up your voice and with us sing,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam,
Thou silver moon with softer gleam!

Thou rushing wind that art so strong
Ye clouds that sail in heaven along,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou rising moon, in praise rejoice,
Ye lights of evening, find a voice!

And all ye men of tender heart,
Forgiving others, take your part,
O sing ye! Alleluia!
Ye who long pain and sorrow bear,
Praise God and on Him cast your care!

And thou most kind and gentle Death,
Waiting to hush our latest breath,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou leadest home the child of God,
And Christ our Lord the way hath trod.

Let all things their Creator bless,
And worship Him in humbleness,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Praise, praise the Father, praise the Son,
And praise the Spirit, Three in One!

'Perfectionism'

Perfectionism is pretty much a defining trait of mine. Coupled with highly sensitive to emotion, it can lead to many joys of completed projects, many frustrations of poorly done projects.

What is perfectionism? I find that it is really the combination of its constituents: idealism and stubborness. We who are perfectionist are very idealistic about the way something should be, and we are stubborn about that ideal. This is a neutral trait; it can lead us to do great, not mediocre, things, but it can lead us to be vessels of frustration for ourselves and those we impact. What is the key to making the most of this character trait? How does God use this trait while keeping us from attributing glory to ourselves?

Because ultimately, with all my perfectionism, I'm very easily distracted, so I tend to be a frustrated person more than a satisfied, joyful person.

Oh, to apply the Gospel in this situation. Ok, ok.

To elucidate my last post, I mean to say that not thought process, but basic desires and simply being alive and conscious are always going to be constant throughout life. Kinda redundant to say, I'm not sure I can really convey what I mean.

Anyhow, this is just coming from trying to teach and lead worship for kids and mentor the youth group praise team on Sundays, then interacting with their parents from time to time, and being with fellow grad school students throughout the week. Sure, we all have grown in mental and intellectual experience, but I am starting to see that some things just don't change, no matter what age you are. I'm trying to describe those 'things': the drive to meet basic desires be it food, toys, acceptance, etc. I thoughts that grown-ups would mature more as they grow older, but I'm seeing some elementary school kids being much more mature than many adults I know.

Mature as in, discerning what's right and wrong and actively trying to do the right thing. Mature as in, being considerate of others.

****

I had a lot of weird dreams this weekend.

One of them involved me being Tom Hanks in a movie. It's starting to fade now, but I remember that I was invisible and trying to get people to understand that I was invisible. Or something like that. The dream ended up to be quite disturbing, but I forget why.

Just this morning, I dreamt that I was hanging out with Jacob and Joe in some rundown med school. We wanted to get something to eat, so we had to go to this really weird way to get to the cafeteria: the shower stall in a bathroom had a staircase instead of a back wall. Even stranger, as we waited in the dingy lobby, other friends of the guys came and we all dragged out our books and started to study. As I took out my Physiology book, a car pulled up — yeah, I think at this point the dream was starting to transition to the next — and a bum got out, pulled out a gun, and demanded us to give him money. I needed all the cash I had on me, so I as I gave him my cash, I held the wallet at an angle so that he couldn't tell that I didn't take all my money out.

At this point, there was a full transition. After the bum left, I pulled out my gun, forgetting my textbook, and found that I was now part of a task force working with Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator. I recall walking away down the street and into a clothing store. Suddenly, The T-1000 was everywhere. Ie, liquid metal was streaming from all the walls, floor, and ceiling. Some of us hid in a corner closet with two layers of mirrored sliding doors, but I realized that the wall that faced the store was made of glass. Halley Joel Osmont was next to me, and he ran out to try to escape. T-1000 turned with gun in hand and brutally showered him with bullets. The horrific sight turned my muscles stiff. T-1000 then faced me, and started to shoot at me through that stupid glass wall. He missed a couple shots, and pointed the gun straight at my face, and pulled the trigger. Frozen in fear, I thought I was done for, but I felt the bullet whiz by my nose and embed itself into the closet door.

He ran out, and I finally got out of the closet to chase him down with Arnold. But it wasn't too long for me to realize that T-1000 was masquerading as Arnold all along. He chased me down into a supermarket, and started to shoot at me as I ducked through the aisles. However, I found that the harder I ran, the more I started to slip on the floor. In agony, I strained to flee.

That's when I woke up. It was not a pleasant feeling to wake up from.

While driving through the northern Philly suburbs, I passed by the center where I had gotten my first driver's license, 6 years ago. Has it been so long? Nostalgia swept through me. I passed King of Prussia mall, where I had cracked a tooth on an overcooked buffalo wing from Boardwalk Fries at the foodcourt. That quickly ended the cold turkey witnessing event that my youth group was there for... before it even started. All of a sudden, I felt myself transported 30 years into the future, reminiscing about my early grad school days. I felt the emotion of fear that my life had come to nothing up to that point... I felt the pangs of mid-life crisis. It made me realize that though we get older, we still are the same people.

What do I mean?

We will always be at 'a current state of consciousness', trying to manage our lives at the moment, regardless of age. Age simply gives us experience and deeper set of emotions to feel, but we're still at the same point: now. Therefore, we all expect the same thing throughout all points of our lives: what we hope, what we want.

I don't know if this makes sense, it's hard to focus my thoughts with my brother flipping through Event Horizon and Good Eats on the TV behind me. I'll review and edit this later.

After the last post, I stayed up arranging songs for Saturday's praise night practice, slept at around 5.

At around 8:45 AM, I awoke to the sound of the television and my brother asking me to take him to the train station. After dropping him off, I plopped back into bed at around 9:20.

9:50 AM greeted me with the loud cellphone ringing in my ear. Upon answering the call, the fist thing I heard was my mom yelling. Instantly, in my sleep-deprived state, i felt the strings of restraint snap as my heart grew angry in response. Let's just say that the next 20 minutes were very loud and unpleasant, from both ends of the phone. I hung up, took a hot shower to wake up and calm down the hurricane of anger. As soon as I got out, another call from home; another 15 minutes of fruitless reasoning.

What a start to this day.

11:20 AM - arrived at the parking lot of a local Pizza Hut to pick up a student. Waited 20 minutes, she finally came. Drove to campus, printed out the music from my computer lab, encountered heavy traffic due to Rutgers football game.

12:10 PM - Finally escaped the traffic and got on the highway. Approached speeds of 90 to 100 mph at times, shaved 10 minutes off of the normal amount of time it takes to get to my house. We were all supposed to meet up at 12 PM at my house.

12:40 PM - Found that I had to bring 2 extra people to practice, because they had slept over some of the praise team members' houses.

1:30 PM - Arrived at the church where we had practice. For the next three hours, felt my energy being sapped out by the people that weren't supposed to be there.

4:30 PM - Exhausted. Encountered traffic that turned a 30 minute trip into an hour long trip.

5:30 PM - Got home, ate a quick dinner. Left at 6.

6:40 PM - Reached Edison. The girl that I was dropping off didn't know how to get to her house, as she led me down multiple streets only to backtrack. Took me an extra 40 minutes to get home.

7:20 PM - Took a dump, gathered my things, burned a CD, headed off for Philly.

7:40 PM - Low gas tank indicator blinks on. Luckily, rest stop was five miles down the road. Waited 20 minutes in line to finally get gas; had to turn off AC, stereo, lights, to conserve anythign that sucked up energy.

9:40 PM - Finally reached the destination: a church in West Chester where Portico, Jimmy Choi's band, was in the latter part of the set. I didn't have any cash, but found that they had a $5 charge. Luckily, they let me in since I knew Jimmy. As I stood watching them, a friend I knew from high school greeted me; he goes to the same church as Jimmy.

11:40 PM - Reached Jimmy's apartment. Hung out until he left for the airport at 3 AM... conked out on his bed.

8:00 AM - Five hours later, woke up, got ready for church, met Jimmy's roommate from CA. Ha... he knew a girl I met online during my junior year of high school.

9:30 AM - Reached the apartment where my brother was staying. It belonged to a mutual friend of ours... and it was one block away from his church, Emmanuel.

10:00 AM - Took off for home and church.

6:30 PM - Now. I am tired. I want to sleep. This was such a long, tiring weekend. But it was good in many ways, and I am grateful that God's blessed me with the fellowship of the body.