"Lessons Learned, Part I"

As promised, I am going to start serially writing about some of the things I was thinking about during my trip to NY this week.

On the train ride up, I was reading Colossians 1 and doing some heaving prayer and meditation about what it is I really need to change about myself, and how I need to do it. I also asked God why is it that I still don't really experience the real aspects of salvation that I think I should be experiencing. I wrote about what has been bothering all semester, "Forgive me of my sin as I forgive those who sin against me," and how I realize I'm the ungrateful servant.

These were things I asked.

"Groggy"

I don't understand why I've been extremely groggy today, unless it's the baked eggplant ziti I've been eating the past two days. It's all I've eaten. Is it possible that I'm groggy because I haven't had a balanced meal?

Well, I held true to my promise so far up till now. I haven't spent more than 20 minutes on the computer checking online journals, and I didn't go on AIM (except to add someone's SN on my list, but it was a "sign-on, add name, sign-off" deal). I organized all of my papers, notes, etc. I started to read my Biochem.

Then, I fell asleep again, and dreamed this weird dream. I came home, and we had to get ready to go to a retreat. To my surprise, it was Grace Life Church that was over at my house, waiting for me. To my suprise, they were sleeping over because it was going to be a retreat overseas. Even to my FURTHER surprise, I saw Eric Ahn, who is in Hope Chapel. I think my brain was confused and smushing my two undergrad churches together.

So, I went to sleep, and awoke. I got ready, then my mom told me I had to be at La Guardia; up till this point I didn't know it was a retreat overseas. Furthermore, she informed me that it was free, but I had to be at La Guardia in an hour because everyone else left. Confused, I asked her how I was to get to the airport with no one to drive the car back.

I never got an answer about that.

Panicked, I hurried my little brother to get ready as well. We piled into my family's old Ford Taurus, and sped off to the airport. It was at this point that the dream slightly shifted. We were still heading towards the same place, but now we were characters in some cheesy '60s spy comedy show. Our car was still an old Ford Taurus, but it was falling apart at all the secret hinges that concealed the fancy features. For example, as we made sharp turns, one half of my seat slid forward, and one slid backwards. I had to hold them down with my thighs to prevent that shearing effect, and drive at the same time. It was frustrating, and we realized that the evil organization was trying to slow us down.

That's when I woke up... but you know, I feel more tired in my body than I was before I went to sleep. I hope this isn't mono.

"Rejuvenated Shock"

I was talking with a friend last night about how much work she had to do. It was about 3 AM, and I was feeling sorry for her because of the stress I knew she must have been going through.

Then I realized that I should be in the same situation, and the shock of my Internet addiction was rejuvenated. When I woke up today, I roughly calculated in my mind the amount of time that I spent on the Internet this week alone. Within the past day, I spent a cumulative amount of at least eight hours of talking to people through IM. I think I spent at least 50% of my time this week on the Internet, and I am ashamed. Here I am, all proud that I got six hours of concentrated studying down in NY with my friend Jacob, but what's six hours compared with all that time wasted talking to people? Granted, talking to people is NOT a waste of time, but if that's all I'm doing with MOST of my time, then it's a problem.

Again, I know this habit is rooted in my deep need for social contact, and AIM promises an instant gratification of that. Hence the word, "Instant," in its title. I've fallen into the lie that this form of communication is a suitable replacement for actually going and meetin people. It is a good form of communication, because it does make us more connected, but it can only convey so much.

Shamed, I look at how much studying there is to be done, yet I complain that there's no time to do it. Shamed, I look at the grievious annoyance I had this week of the ridiculous warning levels with which people teased me, while I see that God was doing it to get me off and get me to study.

Lord, seriously, I slipped back into the habit, and I slipped hard. Get me back on track; I ask of you with confidence, in the name of Your Son, because I have His righteousness for my right to request.

"Courtship vs. Dating"

I think generally the problem with Christian culture today, in the way it tries to address the difficult issues of dating and male/female relationships, is that it stresses convictions as truth instead of stressing Truth to develop good convictions. It says, "This way of doing something is wrong, and this new way, or old way, is right." For example, there's that sentiment within many churches today that dating is wrong, a sentiment that I grew up having to hear. But, dating is not wrong, it's just a conviction on how to finding a mate should be done. Courtship isn't necessarily better, because some courtships can be handled very poorly as well. However, there's this whole army of books coming out saying that Dating is wrong, or that those who date are unwise, or both, and that courtship is the holy grail of dating. I've come to realize that the real issue isn't addressed by replacing a “faulty” way of finding one’s mate with another model.

The problems that are pointed out by all these churches and people are not problems that stem from the methods, they stem from the people that use the methods. The real problem is that people don't comprehensively place their authority they follow in the right place: God. They place the authority within their feelings, within their bodies, within created beings. They become dependent upon the way they feel and the way they idolize their partner. Those are some problems, but all problems come from our sinful inclinations, and that's where the Truth comes in.

Stressing the Truth versus some conviction goes like this. It says, "Make your reference point for all you do the Gospel.” The Gospel trains people’s hearts to know the heart of God, and those people that do so are the ones that handle dating/courtship situations with integrity and wisdom. They make mistakes, but what's important is that they respond to them in a healthful, Spirit-filled fashion: in light of their relationships with God. That shift in priority of authority to God’s Truth, the Gospel, is what should be stressed. Thoughtfulness and a God-centered attitude comes from preaching the Gospel to the self in every situation, in every day. It sounds like a formula, but it's not, because it is not a specific instruction to do one thing in one exact way for situations. It addresses the heart of the issue: the human heart, with all of its senseless meanderings and distractions and attachments. The Holy Spirit fixes it back on track by reminding it of the mysteries found in the Gospel, then makes it see that it doesn't need to make ultimately damaging patterns of emotional dependence, etc. The heart instead forms patterns of selfless, God-centered love towards the other person in the relationship. It starts doing all the right things because it is naturally doing them in every situation, not following a checklist of do’s and don’ts. So, again, it all comes back to the Gospel, the guiding light of life, and in this instance, of finding one’s life partner, and keeping him or her.

So, that's my schpiel on dating. And courtship. Etc. There really should be no debate about which way is better, all energy should be going into teaching people how to realistically and comprehensively apply the Gospel in their situations.

"Alt-Tab Blues"

andy: HAHAAHAHAHAAHAA
andy: you are a strong confident woman!
andy: i'm watching friends
andy: that's where i'm getting it from
andy: don't think i'm wierd or anyghing
me: woah
andy: actually
andy: i got your window mixed up with carol's
me: are you sure you have the right window
andy: all that was suppose to be for carol
andy: yes
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA
andy: hahahahahhahahaa

someone was switching a bit too quickly between windows.

Posted new poems onto http://wordbattle.blogspot.com/.

One serious, one not.

****

I was thinking today about this class I took my last semester of undergrad called "Intermedia Studio." It was a really cool class, I was in it with other Hopkins students, MICA art students, and Peabody music students. God taught me a lot of valuable lessons through the projects we had to do, and through interactions with all the different kinds of people there. One thing that stuck in my mind is this: if you do any sort of art project, make sure that everything you do is relevant to its vision. Good music, good art, good science is characterized by deep ideas being translated and communicated thoroughly and beautifully.

The reason I decided to post this topic is that I had an idea about art in the church. What if we had some sort of event that brought together different artistic pieces that communicated some deep concepts that each artist knew about Christian life? Maybe the event can have a musical performances, displays of paintings and drawings, multimedia installations, etc. Maybe it can be run like this: a theme is chosen, and the artists have to all produce a work of art that reflects their personal thoughts and experiences in response to the theme. For example, the theme topic can be, "Communicate how your faith in the Gospel effects your everyday life, your experience, your consciousness." The artists don't have to do isolated objects, either; they can pool their hearts and experiences to come up with a message that is worth communicating, then communicate it with their talents and resources.

Just thought that would be cool.

Let it snow.



My view from my computer.

Hi, atus.
High 8s

Hiatus.

****

The past four days have been a time of much needed reflection, meditation, prayer, and good ol' fashioned concentrated thought. I got a lot of studying done, not just for school, but of the Word, and of my soul.

It's strange how much God can say in such a little amount of time. I'm really tired right now, and I have to eat, but I will post some of the thoughts later, maybe serially.

Interesting article about Suddam Hussein.

so tired, stayed up chatting and playing this game. had a great time in ny, will be on the train in about six hours.

yay.

****

had some good time of thinking, studying, meditating, but I wonder... for what? even with accountability, I did the same thing tonight. granted, I got a lot of studying done during the day, but i could have done even more.

seriously, one of the harshest things God is teaching me this year is that there is such a dichotomy between my great ideas and reality. I guess that means my ideas aren't so great, after all.

it calls to mind how, when we were all kids, we'd read bible stories and watch cartoons about some hero being faced with a situation and making a wrong decision. we'd all say, "don't, you stupid! I would have totally done it the right way!" but now that we've grown up —for me hardly. actually, i'm still pretty immature— we are starting to see that it's not so black and white. i make the stupid decisions over and over again, and i can just see some distant observer saying, "stupid tim, you know what you're doing is wrong, why are you still doing it?"

God, saturate me from the outside in with Your nutrients of the soil in which You've planted me. Cover me with Your righteousness and salvation, because there is nothing in me that is righteous. give me the will to say, "No," and to appeal to Hope instead of Fear.

Christ, you are my only Hope.

wow. just for me!

Click

Awoke at 10:30, chatted a bit, washed up, went to Pizza 33, a brick oven place nearby, and headed to the public library on 42 & 5. Yakov and I studied from 1 to 6:30, with a small 10 minute break somewhere in between. It was a good and productive jolt in studying. We had dinner, and now we're back at his place, chilling like the cool cats that we are.

"lord i want
to be up
in my heart

be
ohh
just in my heart, oh lord
just in my heart, oh lord"

— the shining light gospel choir, in my heart, by moby

I like this song. Upon first listen, it's very moby. the piano part that starts it off is very moby. upon second listen, i think the same thing: everything about this song screams, "hi, i am made by moby." it's his style of using minor chords. it's his style of using the pad of synthesized strings, and it's his typical beat.

this song is very moby.

****

Oh man! this is the CRAZIEST go-cart I've ever seen! Jet-powered!

****

"check me out! I mean seriously.. check me out!"

— Strong Bad

HAHAHA. Strong Bad makes me laugh.

Behold......



Jimmy Choi, in all his Asian glory.

reading jake's comment on my long post, i also wonder. How come no one ever has any response to the long posts? are they that hard to read?

ah. well.

the other day, God answered a prayer of mine within an hour after I prayed it. i was amazed, and disappointed in the answer. and the way He gave it. but regardless, that's how He did it, and I am starting to see how wise He was in it.

Dangit. man, i can be so stupid. *banging head on desk*

****

At jake's right now, trying to fall asleep, and Jake's reading on his bed. I left New Brunswick at around 8 PM, got into NY at around 9:10, and got to jake's at around 10 because I took an express instead of a local subway. arg!

we actually did get studying done for a couple of hours. must do the same tomorrow!

****

Did some good thinking and praying and reading and journalling in the train ride over. also read a bit of colossians, and found myself reading the same thing that I've been wondering about: what is this joy of salvation? sometimes i really wonder why it evades me so. but regardless, the following passage piqued my interest:

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation-- if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant." — Colossians 1:21-23

it's not always about feedback. often times, it's about feedforward. it's not always about one's immediate return. often times, it's about one's future hope.

future hope.

I can't believe it's already 4:20 PM. Where has the day gone?

Anyhow, I'll probably head up tonight to Jake's. We're going to keep each other accountable to study, since both of us have problems focusing. I.e., we're online too much! Haha.

Later.

I just had a conversation that reminded me of a lot of things I thought I had conquered in Christ, a lot of them stemming from pride. Being overconfident in one's perceived strengths leads to pretentiousness and egotistical patterns of actions. Not just actions, but I say, PATTERNS of actions. This delineation is important, because we always apologize for individual actions, but we fail to notice that they're from PATTERNS. These problems are specific manifestations of our intrinsic sinful patterns.

The following are patterns that I've been starting to be convicted of:

1) Addiction to people's attention to glorify myself, to give me self-worth

This pattern has led to my addiction to the Internet, to IM, to talking on the phone too much, to wanting to hang out too much. I find myself spending hours chatting and reading blogs because I don't want to be alone. I place my self-worth in this idol of "people" instead of God.

2) Flaunting my knowledge and my insight

This pattern has led me to dismiss people's thoughts and make hasty observations about people. It has led me to be pretentious.

How do I effectively preach the Gospel to myself? How do I fight these tendencies and replace them with God-pleasing ones?

1) Addiction to God's attention shown to me on the Cross, finding my self worth in meeting my function to worship Him with my obedience in life.

2) Humbly listening and learning, yearning for His knowledge and His insight.

Hm. These solutions still seem half-baked.

Regardless, after seeing my actions and tendencies and hearts desires today, I am ASHAMED... but am I ashamed ENOUGH?

Looking back on this year, God seems to answer prayers in ways that I've least expected, most of them in ways that I wouldn't have wanted them to be answered. But, I think God answered them with difficult means because those were the only ways in which my heart would respond in a God-fearing way. In other words, God surely answers prayers, but because of my stubborn heart, He has been answering them with very strong means. These means have usually ended up with me being hurt, shamed, and embarrassed.

I have such an overactive and quick mind, that I can assess what problems I have and immediately think up of reasonable solutions in no time. But I have such a slow, stupid, stubborn heart and sense of judgement. What results is me knowing something is wrong, and knowing that I'm wrong. What results is me quickly acknowledging my fault, and quickly desiring to change. I quickly pray, "Christ, heal me, fix this sinful tendency, replace it with a life-giving tendency." But my heart doesn't follow suit, and I find myself going back to my old ways, to my frustration.

What will it take? Why is my heart so fickle, unrepentant, and stubborn to change? All day today, my heart kept wanting to go online and talk, to read blogs, to see if someone commented on this site. That's just the beginning of the list.

I tried studying. I was able to get three homework problems done, but it took four hours because I was too distracted.

All night, I watched TV, cooked dinner, and then I prayed that God would change me. Then I went online again.

Do you see where the frustration is coming from?

This entry is not a plea for sympathy, it is far from it, for there is nothing righteous about my heart and its actions. Simply, it is a request for accountability, and for prayer. These are the things that I have to change, because I've been struggling to do what I should be doing: study, learn, do what God has wanted me to do. This is not a time to be distracted with wondering if some girl likes me and if I should pursue her, if I'm making a difference in peoples lives, if people are being changed by me. I want to learn Grace, I want to be changed by it. I want to know what spiritual blessings I have in Christ. I want to know the riches of God's Grace, Grace that was freely given and lavished upon me. I want to know what it means to be redeemed by His blood, forgiven of my sins. Why am I not changed by these things? Why is my heart not transformed and changed? Why is my heart so cold to these truths? Why are the flames of joy not fanned by the greater things mentioned, but instead by lesser things like video games, TV, and the Internet?

I think as mentioned before, my problem is this: my mind is smart and quick, but my heart is stupid and slow.

Oh, stupid, slow heart, learn!

"64 Seconds left"



My current high score on this nasty Korean game. I only showed the relevant parts to keep the surprise on what sort of game it is. I dare you to beat it with more time left! HA!

****

Another weird flash animation. Cute weird, not gross-out weird, though I don't get, when the smiley's turn around, why the animators decided to draw in their buttcracks.

Weird.

****

According to Stan and many other people, the crowds will make it impossible to see the tree on Wednesday. Everyone's been saying that I should get there by 3 or 4 PM if I want to see something that will happen at 7 PM. Hm. Should I bother going? I have much studying to do.

Then again, if friends are there, then it's all about meeting up with people, not some stupid tree being lit up.

It all depends on people. Where will you people be, and when, and with whom?

Actually, come to think of it, nevermind, I have a LOT of work to do.

Yay! Xanga is back up. We can now read each other's blogs again. After all, a sizeable percentage of my links are Xanga users.

Ok, back to dinner.

"no more than 30 minutes on each time"

Ok, that flew out of the window today.

It doesn't help when I have to do homework on the computer, using a programming environment called MATLAB.

So, I failed that goal, but I still have the rest of the night. Let's see if I can hold out until tomorrow!

I woke up earlier today as I hoped, but I fell back asleep, to my dismay.

11:43 AM, time to conquer my laziness.

I have decided to limit internet use to 3 times a day, with no more than 30 minutes on each time.

Good morning.

It is currently 2:41 AM.

I have been trying to sleep for 2 hours and 41 minutes.

I have spent time talking to God, tossing and turning, showering, and now typing this entry.

****

"Full Circle"

I've come full circle. I was born and raised in New Jersey, went all over the place, and here I am, back at my roots. A week ago my brother and I took a different route up north to home, and along that route we passed the old road my family used to take to go to our old church. Back then, our church name was Agape (they're still around) and we used a church in Berkeley Heights, New Jersey. That area in New Jersey is loaded. Huge houses, nice mountain views, some of the best maintained roads in the east coast.

Why has God brought me back?

****

"Sleepless"

I toss and turn, my mind a maelstrom. I'm thinking about romance, issues, what I need to do, frustration that I'll probably slack. I think about the message of Nirvana and the real grunge movement of the early '90s, because I just read an article earlier today about the song, "Smells Like Teen Spirit," because it was on MTV2 today.

It's funny that the media did exactly to the song, and to the band Nirvana, what Nirvana said it hated.

Sigh. The media. Everyone loves and loves to hate the media. We all speak of its evils in brainwashing the public, yet we still depend upon it for our entertainment, for our weather reports, and for brain fodder.

I espouse these criticisms of my entertainment-focused mentality, but I fail to present a better alternative use of my time and joy. I think about what I just read in Isaiah today about how God desires us to rejoice in Him, the Savior. How do I really rejoice in Him?

I think a typical human problem is to assume that we know in our hearts what we understand in our minds. That's why after listening to someone's predicament, we are so quick to offer our two cents on what they should do. Hence, we become like Job's friends, offering advice that is unwarranted and ultimately useless. If we really made a real effort to practice what jargon we know in our minds, life would be quite different in this world.

Particularly, mindless Christians that I've grown up knowing -- sometimes, I admit, I drifted into this category as well -- tend to hear a problem, and spit out their spiritual solution to the problem. However, this solution tends to be a hodgepodge of more sentimental understandings of Christianity, and it's filled with more jargon than real applicable Truth. Granted, non-Christians, most people do that, but I think when Christians do it, that carries more serious weight because it's the truth of God here that's being discussed, not just personal opinion. For example, things like, "let go, and let God," or "give it up to God," or "trust Jesus!" sound great, but what do they really mean? How do you REALLY do those things? Do you just sit there and wait for the situation to fix itself? It's much wiser to say something like this: "Try your best, but stop appealing to a standard that says, 'reality depends upon your efforts.' Create a standard that says, 'God is in control, and He purposes things to happen.' Then, let go of your ultimately self/man-glorifying standard, and let God's standard show you the path to a greater, more joyous mindset of tackling life and it's obstacles." That is a more thoughtful way of applying "Christian-ese", because it has analyzed the real meaning of the phrase. No more depending upon cliches! Down with cliches!

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"Quiches"

The word cliches makes me think of quiches. I could go for some quiche right now, I'm hungry. My brother made this good cornbread sorta quiche dish for thanksgiving, yum.

Thanksgiving made me see how short a fuse I can have. I thought I was a very patient person, but when it comes to my mom yelling at me or things not going as I plan, I start raising my voice and generally become crabby.

Yeah, a lot more to go in life. Have to find what sinful tendency/mindset really underlies all of this...

For Jacob Lee:

"me: i still don't get why you girls were so hung up over jacob
girl from my youth group: well
girl from my youth group: hes juss awesome like that"

'nuff said. :-)

****

This week, I have to get back in shape for school. But, I will still make time to meet up with friends to see the Rockefeller Christmas Tree lighting! Yahoo!

****

For a period of time, my link list shortened up a bit, but recently, it's experienced a resurgence of new members, like andy, deborah, roger, and veronica. i guess this fad isn't a fad anymore, but a new dimension of social communication, like instant messaging.

speaking of instant messaging, thanks to a consortium of friends that pushed my warning limit to 100%, I can't go online. i must admit, that's a good thing: i have to study a lot this week.

ok, good night. and dee, jacob, carol, does anyone else you know want to meet up for the tree lighting? since i can't talk through aim, email me with details about when you guys would meet and stuff! :-P

"Turning Point"

It always seems that life revolves around defining moments, moments for which we have been preparing or not preparing over long periods of time, moments which call upon all that we have. Doctors have prepared all of their lives for their daily defining moments of treating patients. Engineers have prepared all their lives for their daily defining moments of efficiently and correctly solving problems. Musicians practice scales and chords and study music theory in order to masterfully execute their compositions, spontaneously rap their thoughts, and tear out their emotions through distorted guitar signals. Teachers study education theories and the subjects that they teach in order to effectively communicate knowledge and mold the minds of their students. The list goes on; we are either in training for defining moments, or are in those defining moments.

****

I sense that God is leading me to a turning point in life. I don't know what it is, but I can just sense it. I think it's because of the praise night. I think it's because of my school work. I think it's because of all that's happened this year. Essentially, there are a lot of lifestyle changes that have to be made. I've become too dependent upon my latent dreams to be a musical performer, too dependent upon the internet to stave off my loneliness, and too dependent upon entertainment to get me through the day. I've ignored the real important things of my life at times for these lesser things.

I'm 22. Am I a real man of God? I fear that I've been investing too much time in the wrong things in life. I fear that I don't know how to handle the important things in life: God-given relationships, resources, and opportunities. I am riddled with fear that I am the material of unsuccess, that I will not be able to be a good husband and father for a future family.

Clearly, those fears bely a lot of misplaced and erroneous priorities, ideals, and standards to which I hold myself accountable.

God, where do I go from here? What do I do?