I just rediscovered the song "River Constantine" by Jars of Clay. It was the only song I liked on that CD, and I repeated it for a month during my sophomore year of college.

I've been trying to figure out the song "Clocks" by Coldplay. I mean, I basically figured out the chords because it's the same progression over and over again (except the bridge). However, I'm trying to get at the music theory behind it, because I like the unconventional chord progression. I really like Coldplay's sound; I see their musical development being on the same path as U2. Coldplay's first two albums are good in some ways, just like U2's first two albums, but to me it doesn't seem like Coldplay has reached their musical individuality and peak just yet. U2 didn't really hit a truly distinctive sound until War and The Unforgettable Fire, so let's hope Coldplay develops more on their third and fourth albums. It's exciting to think what they'll put out in the future.

Yep, I'm still trying to learn music theory... not just theory for the intellect, but as a language.

****

God, I sin, I don't know why; but, I've learned not to trust my "try and try." How will Your Gospel get me by?

Sigh.

****

When will I stop feeling like I'm misplaced?

My friend sent me a link today:

Click here to see the TOWN that was auctioned on eBAY.

A whole frikkin town.

Woah.

i've been wandering places
to drink from your oasis

deep-seated sense of unrest
this pest, not emotional distress

what i say to you:
everything is wrong with what i do
but persist i do, it's true.

perserverance of the saints:
I don't seem to perservere.
Does that make me not a saint...

returning to vices,
these automatic devices
that pump out tokens of instant satisfaction.

pigs and dogs turn to their vomit
hearing words from the pulpit
i spit

with head down
eyes rolling
and arms crossed.

i am lost, am i lost in a swirling sea
or am i in the sea on a boat

compass intact, crew in full order?
have i already crossed the border?

crush the past, with pestle and mortar.

"Outsider"

I've always been an outsider, until I attended a college full of outsiders. I guess that's why I felt so at home at Hopkins, but I digress. I've always been an outsider and that was a constant source of insecurity and frustration growing up, but now I've learned that it's nothing to be afraid or ashamed of. I obsess about things, make connections that people don't usually make, I tend to be more passionate about my ideas than most people tend to be passionate about anything. But, this isn't a post about me, God forbid I write a self-centered entry in a site that serves as a communicative medium for my daily experience, wink wink. No, I wanted to say that this is something that God has taught me about being insecure vs. secure, and what the real grounds for self-esteem is: I am worth something, because God prescribed worth to me through the Gospel, and coming to terms with that truth has changed that problem with self-image. The problem is still there, but having a confidence in a God-given sense of worth has a lot more potential than having a confidence from a self-born sense of worth that modern psychiatric practices prescribe.

However, I am still wondering about my existence at this moment: why am I so lonely? Why am I so bored? Why am I so lazy?

It comes clear that these things arise when I start spending more of my time indulging in myself, in my body's desires... when whims and selfish desires become the driving force for existence. God has saved us and made us to be vessels of action in the sea of this world. When we stop too long at an island for rest and self-repair, we easily begin to forget the real missions for which we set out: to seek and save the lost, to spread the news of Christ, to obey and develop a working relationship with our Father. The Hope of the Gospel, the fuel of our engines, becomes watered down from unnecessarily long stops in front of the TV, while pursuing hobbies, while reading self-help books.

God, I don't want to be overtaken by this lethargy, but I have been. I have sought my pleasures in such weak things; I have forgetten the promise of unspeakable pleasures derived from participating in Your Work.

Literally, for Christ's sake, bring me back.

Before I woke up today, I had the most vivid and disturbing dream. The last part of it entailed me facing my middle school bully, who was trying to kill me. He was chasing me down in what appeared to be a retreat center. No matter what tactic I tried to stop and subdue him, he kept coming. He didn't care that we had grown up: he still had this disgust of me that I found confusing. Why did he hate me so much? Just because I was a dork?

The dream ended in a good way, but I forget how it ended. All I can say is that the dream left me disturbed and in shock when I awoke.

Haha. These are funny.

Click for Conan O'Brien Highlights

Click here for "Celebrity Secrets" from Conan O'Brien... hahaha. so funny.

Just thought this was interesting. Not conclusive in any way, but interesting:

" 'I don't believe in preaching at people,' he told me, during a 1982 interview. A constant theme in his music, he added, is the soul-spinning confusion that results when spirituality, sensuality, ego and sin form a potion that is both intoxicating and toxic. "The truth is that we are all sinners. I always include myself in the 'we.' ... I'm not telling everybody that I have the answers. I'm trying to get across the difficulty that I have being what I am."

Bono took this inner conflict on stage during the media-drenched Zoo TV shows of the mid-1990s. The key moment was when the singer morphed into a devilish alter ego named Mister MacPhisto, who wore a glittering gold Las Vegas lounge suit and cheesy red horns.

Night after night, Bono would pull some girl out of the audience to join in his "Elvis-devil dance." Stockman's book includes a fascinating account of what happened one night in Wales, when one of these dance partners had an agenda of her own.

"Are you still a believer?", she asked. "If so, what are you doing dressed up as the devil?"

Their voices hidden by the music, Bono gave her a serious answer. "Have you read The Screwtape Letters, a book by C.S. Lewis that a lot of intense Christians are plugged into? They are letters from the devil. That's where I got the whole philosophy of mock-the-devil-and-he-will-flee-from-you," said Bono.

Yes, the girl said, she had read The Screwtape Letters. She understood that Lewis had turned sin inside out in order to make a case for faith.

"Then you know what I am doing," said Bono.

But no matter what happens on stage, plenty of believers remain convinced that Bono's devil suit was highly appropriate. While the singer and his band mates have made some mistakes, Stockman said he is convinced that the controversies that continually swirl around U2 are actually evidence of deeper divisions among believers.

U2 is attacking, in word and deed, the modern church's retreat from art and popular culture."

— from http://stocki.ni.org/u2/atu2.phtml

As well as this:

"As Stockman himself admits in Chapter 6, their lack of commitment to a local church fellowship is a major issue arising from both their peculiar circumstances and the nature of mainstream evangelicalism more generally. Yet, though evangelicalism is chronically deficient in this regard, surely such a context is necessary to have personal faith sustained and artistic visions maintained. Has the lack of such a context meant that the Christianity of U2 has been emptied of its exclusive content? Is there a danger that if we adopt the attitude of U2 to the world and involvement in the church we, at the same time, will capitulate to the ideals of the world? What is more, are all of us called to push the envelope in the imaginative ways U2 have done?

offer these comments not as criticisms, but as personal reflections upon an issue that has profound implications for evangelicals. Steve Stockman rightly sees U2 as a challenge to the church. They display a heartfelt honesty in dealing with spiritual questions arising from the harsh realities and contradictions of modern life. They provoke us to examine our modernity infested and culturally determined beliefs in the light of a radical discipleship predicated upon grace and love for others. It seems to me that the example of U2 encapsulates the tensions involved in any Christian engagement with the world and the danger of drifting from communities of faith. In that context, the questions asked about U2 should not focus upon their personal faith, but the more important issue of whether or not we should follow their example of engagement with the world.

This review was by Andrew Holmes, the only man who could make a PhD in Presbyterian belief and practice in the 19th century seem sexy."

— from http://stocki.ni.org/u2/studentnet.phtml

I was wondering why Christmas is sometimes abbreviated with Xmas, and then I'm wondering:

Maybe it's because Christ in the original Greek is "Xristos", where the Greek letter X, or "chi" pronounced "KYE", is the first letter. Hence, maybe Xmas is really CHImas.

Or, X could be like a cross.

Oh wait, a lower case "t" would be more fitting. I like that first theory better.

"White Christmas!"

It looks like Bing Crosby's dreams are coming true this year! I can't remember the last time we had one here, but it looks like there will be about five to six inches of it this Christmas.

Ah, I love it.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

"Regret, Return, Relaunch"

Looking at the past half year that I've been here at Rutgers, I have seen myself regressing and progressing in spiritual, mental, and musical development. But I think I've given in too much to the slacker environment I find myself, and have become soft, lazy, undisciplined. I can't stand that I'm giving into the narrowminded, lazy, cheap entertainment oriented, materialistic mindset. The fact that I'm surrounded it, and the fact that those elements lay within me make it all the harder to do the right thing, and that has been the case in terms of shirked responsibilities. I really don't spend real time with Him, talking and praying and listening and meditating and worshipping. My passion has digressed to the things of the world. I have lost sight of the Gospel. I have lost sight of what God has called me to do.

What will it realistically take to go further? Firmer dependence on God means firmer determination to focus my time on priorities, not distractions. God realistically answers these prayers by having us ACT and do the RIGHT THING. So, I have to write out my priorities and distractions. I have be ruthless with myself at times to push towards the goal at then end of the journey.

I have to focus. I have to enjoy and rejoice, but I have to focus.

"Break On Through To the Other Side"

Stuck back in the music and computer binging.
When I will I start changing instead of returning to the same vices?

****

Whom is worth knowing in this world? I get so many conflicting views from different people about how to deal with individuals that hurt you and are close to you, family or friend. One camp says forget and move on . One says that things will work out, and to stay loyal. Another says get revenge. But what really is the Godly way to deal with people that hurt you? We all are —hopefully— familiar with Jesus saying to forgive the person seventy seven or seventy times seven times over. My personal conviction aligns with this: God has forgiven me more than I can ever know, and I am to do the same as a result. But people that know that as well say, "Yeah, so what. You're still human. Forgive, then forget... them. Just cut yourself off from them. There are six billion other people in this world." I say NAY to that, but that is what people,CHristians that I know, say. They call me a person with a battered wife syndrome, giving excuses for unnecessary hurt.

I guess. But one can say that about Christ, as well.

****

I'm shaking my head at myself right now. How materialistic can I get? How judgemental and unrelistic can I get of people, living a double standard with my life? For example, this past week I was talking to someone about staying true to one's word, and about being responsible. Then, I promised my little brother that we'd take him to see "The Two Towers" Sunday night —today— and I fell through. I forgot to tell Him that we couldn't do it.

It's the small things that show really how sinful and selfish and shortsighted one can be.

I have a long way to go in terms of maturity.

Had a great time in New York:

Friday Transportation: $13 round trip, $4 unlimited ride day pass.

Chinatown

Got a haircut at the place that Jacob told me about. Wow, great service for $10, and with tip it was $12 dollars. After the cut and trim, they shampoo your hair and give you this really relaxing scalp massage. I think I'll go there again in the future.

I went window shopping for presents and to buy a ski cap for myself. I ended up getting 2 ski caps and a headband for $11. On the way to the subway I got a mango pearl smoothie.

Downtown

I took the 6 up to transfer to the FV, but I got a bit lost in the transfer because I went the wrong way down Lafayette. Ah, well, it was ok. I was only ten minutes late in reaching the Rockefeller Tree to meet up with MC Jamie P, her brother Gene, and his friend Elson. Gene and Elson were visiting, and it was Elson's first time in NY. It was lightly raining, so they didn't want to ice skate. We hung out at the NBC tourist shop, then headed over towards Times Square. Along the way we stopped by Sam Ash and checked out guitars, since Gene was looking into getting an electric. I gave him my shpiel about what's good and bad, and jammed a little... it was fun :-). We continued on to Times Square, where we got $54 to see the musical 42nd Street, then headed over to Virgin Megastores. I got myself Coldplay's new album and a gift for my little brother. We waited to meet up with Ajin, who came back up from Baltimore, and ate at Angelo's Pizza on 57th and between 6th and 7th. It was by far the best pizza I've ever had: light, not greasy, simple, everything made fresh, delicious. Pizza at its finest, and not bad price either. After chilling there for a while, we took the bus back to Times Square in time for the show.

42 Street

It was great! It was my first show, and it was the first time I've seen a live company of tap dancers doing their thing. It was really well done: the sets, the acting, the dancing, the big musical numbers. It was definitely a good 'ol throwback to the heyday of Broadway. Tom Wopat, who played Luke Duke in the show "The Dukes of Hazzard" was in it... that was pretty cool.

NYU Med

Afterwards we headed over to Jake's and played a card game called "Nerts" —Pika, there has to be a better name for it. How about "Farts"? That'd be funny.— that can be described as competive Solitaire. We played for a while, until like three AM, then headed over to a nearby deli to get some grub. Ah, so embarrassing: I was going to pay by credit card, but they had a $10 minimum. I had used up all of my cash by that point, so everyone had to cover for me. I was thankful, but shamed.

By the time we had headed back and finished eating, band geek MC Jamie P, Gene, and Elson had to head back so that she could catch her flight, and they could catch their sleep. I was too tired to stay up to catch the first bus back, so I crashed at Jake's.

Downtown and Back Home

The next morning, I headed back to Penn Station. Since Macy's was only a block away, I headed over and got Christmas presents for my older brother and parents. I caught an express back to New Brunswick and biked all the way home: about ten miles, I think, from the station to the northern outskirts of Busch campus.

Whew. What a weekend. I spent a grand total of $208.95, to be exact... in 24 hours. That's more than I spend on average in like a month! Ah, but great memories. I felt like a tourist at times, when we were showing Elson and Gene around. But no way, I ain't no tourist! And as for you, John Kim, I don't know what all this "wannabe NYer" junk is. I don't want to be one. I ain't gonna lie and say I know or "own" the city, but I'm just taking advantage of the incredible resources found in it. And dude, you know that I've always been loud, sociable and brash. Plus, I've always been a fast walker. I think I've been a NYer at heart, in some ways, since I DID LIVE HERE once. Eat that, buddy! :-P

****

I got some thinking done as well, and I have a lot more prayer to do. God, help me.