A question to readers:

Which one of you works in Raytheon up in Boston?

Just curious.

****

My posts haven't been publishing. Blame the server.

"Your Love.... it is the Compass of my heart
Your Love... it is the Thing that let me start
Always... You are the One to touch my heart!"

If any of you knew me during my freshman and sophomore years of college, I was a gung-ho Deliriou5? fan. They were incredible live, and I saw them as the U2 of christian music. I.e., they brought the raw passion and melodic rock soundscapes of U2 to praise music... and it totally lit my musically driven heart up. I saw them live three times, I bought imports, I memorized lyrics and intricacies to every song.

Then I started to hear their newer stuff, and something seemed to be missing from their recordings. I lost interest, as middle Christian America started to discover their music and turned the whole "modern worship" thing into an industry fad. I lost interest, as it seemed like the band started to lose focus. They become more interested in becoming pop-stars in their homeland of the UK, and it just seemed to lose the fire. By the time I saw them live and attended a Q&A session with them last summer at Creation festival, I had lost all interest. However, at that Q&A session, it was interesting to see that they started from where I was at the moment: youth ministry. Their insights were actually things I was thinking about, and it really did challenge me.

I recently bought their new live album, Access:D, which is only available in the UK at the moment, and I must say that it has started to rekindle my interest. The passion seems to be back... a bit wiser and not as fully as before, but it's back. I'm now starting to listen to them with a more mature and focused ear, from both spiritual and musical standpoint; I'm trying to pick up on how they play live, how to play lead guitar, how to include the crowd, how to take the groove of the moment and focus it on praising Him with every ounce of energy, emotion, and conviction.

****

God, please bring me back.

HAHA! I saw this on Albert's site... it cracked me up!!

"On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper bag over it that said: "Broken." A skeptical traffic officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly.

As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!""

"Running the Race"

I really lapsed today; I spent more than 3 cumulative hours surfing the net/checking emails/reading blogs.

I've slipped, but God has picked me up and is now urging me on forward.

****

This morning's time with Him was focused on Micah. The opening verses:

2Hear, you peoples, all of you;
pay attention, O earth, and all that is in it,
and let the Lord GOD be a witness against you,
the Lord from his holy temple.

3For behold, the LORD is coming out of his place,
and will come down and tread upon the high places of the earth.
4And the mountains will melt under him,
and the valleys will split open,
like wax before the fire,
like waters poured down a steep place.

Do I really see my God in that way? Do I really have a proper view of Whom He is? I see the way I lead my life, and I realize again that when left on my own, I do anything to ignore Him.

Things to think about, respond to, and live out...

This show was so good. I miss it.

I'm just wondering what it must have been like for my mother to get married at around my age.

I wonder what it must have been like for my parents when both of them individually came to know Christ... it happened during their respective sophomore years of college. To think of the complete transformation of mindset and direction in life that occured from that point... what was it like?

It harkens me to think of my personal experiences through college, and it makes me feel so much more immature than what it seems like my parents were back then. I did go through some times of major theological revolution and understanding of Christianity, though, and how it affects my life. It makes me think as well about now, will I experience an even more radical change in life soon, like:

- meeting that person with whom I'll spend the rest of my life,
- finding my long-term career path,
- or something else just as epochal and life-transforming?

As David said in Psalms, Lord, my life is an open book. Please take that pen and inscribe Your will and joy and purpose within the blank pages of its future...

I find that I am a very competitive person, by nature, and I'm not sure why. I find that my jealousy over others' achievements sometimes pushes me more than a real genuine interest in the subject at hand, be it sports, academics, videogames, blogs, music, etc.

There's nothing wrong with competition, to a degree, but sometimes in my past it consumed me a bit too much. Why must we be overly competitive? What is so important about being the "best?" Ultimately, it is for personal glory; at the root of excessive competition is the need to worship oneself. Therein lies the sinful root that says, "I am above others, I deserve better, etc."

It is startling how the Gospel will then become a message of foolishness to that mindset, because it says, "Reality revolves around God, not you. God's worthiness of glory deserves all attention, not you. You fall short, and you need to fully rely on Someone outside of you to help you." How can a man-centered mindset, which says, "my self-reliance is the definition of real strength," ever understand when the reality of the Gospel says, "Total Christ-reliance is the definition of real strength?"

Long day of class, long night of studying ahead... and I forgot my math text.

Oh well ;-)

****

I was thinking a lot today, and wrote some of it down in my real journal.

One thing I thought was that I tend to write personal experiences on this site when I'm wrestling with dark thoughts and emotions. Hence, it would give off the impression, by all my posts, that I am a morose, bitter, frustrated individual 24/7.

How wrong an image that image portrays! It's only 23/7.

Just kidding. :-)

Leung's death 2nd suicide since June

I don't.. even know how I can respond to this news. I knew this guy. I tried to reach out to him when he came in my sophomore year. He came out to our ministry. I tried to get to know him as a friend, but I got lost on my own issues as the years went on, and I lost touch.

To find out that someone you knew and for whom you prayed...

It happened a month ago, but to find out now, I don't even know what to say but to express thtat there is a strange hollowness that I am experiencing right now. I could have been more than the putz i was during my years there and at least built up a real relationship with the guy, instead of being scared of what he'd think of what I believed in, or of generally what he'd think of me. I could have been more confident about being a real brother, but I didn't.

We all ask these questions, but would they have made a difference? God, will this make a difference to my cold, hard heart?

****

TERRY WON AND YOUNG CHOI? DORICE YOO AND GEORGE WANG? ENGAGED? WHERE HAVE I BEEN, AND WHAT'S UP WITH AGAPE COUPLES GETTING HITCHED SO EARLY?! AND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW DORICE AND GEORGE WERE A COUPLE IN THE FIRST PLACE! WHERE HAVE I BEEN?!

I am posting a lot tonight, I know. I just wanted to post this Psalm up, as a reminder to myself mostly. Text formatting added for ease of reading onscreen.

Psalm 111, NIV

Praise the LORD .

I will extol the LORD with all my heart
in the council of the upright and in the assembly.

Great are the works of the LORD ;
they are pondered by all who delight in them.
Glorious and majestic are his deeds,
and his righteousness endures forever.
He has caused his wonders to be remembered;
the LORD is gracious and compassionate.
He provides food for those who fear him;
he remembers his covenant forever.
He has shown his people the power of his works,
giving them the lands of other nations.
The works of his hands are faithful and just;
all his precepts are trustworthy.
They are steadfast for ever and ever,
done in faithfulness and uprightness.
He provided redemption for his people;
he ordained his covenant forever-
holy and awesome is his name.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
all who follow his precepts have good understanding.
To him belongs eternal praise.

I don't know why this is, but I just realized that it is very hard for me to take encouragements and believe them. It probably stems from the same impulse that loves to dish out advice, but not take it.

It may also stem from the depressive side of me that I constantly have to fight from consuming my life. But the only thing the depressive side hasn't realized is that it's not me fighting, but the Creator of the Universe. Otherwise, I wouldn't be sitting here typing, I probably would have been gone a long time ago. :-P

"IHOP"

On the way home from church today my brother and I stopped by at an International House of Pancakes for dinner. Ah, good ol' comfort food. I got a chicken fried steak skillet... those skillet meals are such good deals. It turns out, they're having a really great promotion going on: unlimited pancakes for $3.99. If you like pancakes, go! Great pancakes, great deal.

Ok, this post has become a big commercial.

****

I am at this point where, if I put in a lot of time, I can really do well this semester, and if I don't, I'll spend this semester always being behind in all my work again. But, either way, I am not stressed out.

Quite a week up ahead... just tired. Don't want to do anything.

So tired. I am.

I have been given so many things to do, yet my old habits and my easily distracted heart keeps me from being focused.

I really am under grace. Really living under His grace.

Conversely, even if I wasn't distracted, even if I was on track with everything, I would equally be under His grace.

I really am under grace.