"Putting Things In Perspective"

I've been interacting with more Rutgers students over the past couple of months. Today, I listened to one student's church's recording. It was well done considering everything was recorded in a couple of hours. I have to "secretly" confess that I hadn't really had much respect for some people at the church, because of run-ins in the distant past that left a bad impression on me. In fact, I have had a pretty arrogant attitude about coming back here to NJ. A lot of frustration has come out of refusal to admit that I am not doing as good as I thought as I should. I see it in the general way I explain things to people; I didn't realize it of late but it has always been in a condescending way.

I realize even more that for all things that I arrogantly think I know and have figured out, I am only one person, one tiny perspective. Just because I think I know something really well, it doesn't mean that it's the only way to do it, or that I'm the only authority on the subject. This realization is giving me the perspective that I can never really know much... no matter how much I trick myself into believing that I do.

I almost feel like I should quit my music hobby. I have figured things out in a specific way, but because of my myopic approach to things, I have extremely limited myself from seeing myself in an honest perspective. I may have technical understanding, but there is no real spark. Though I try to evoke passion, it doesn't come out naturally. When people see me play, they say, "Oh, he plays well and has a decent voice," but that's it. I sense it too... it always feels hollow and unnatural when I sing and play. So, I see myself in a dead end, wanting to quit here because I don't think I can get better.

The only problem with all of this is my man-centered perspective. At the heart of this is seeing my limitations, my failures, and my desire for personal glory. My frustration that I can't write a single good song is frustration that I can't do anything that will get people to say, "wow, you are good." What is it about man's approval that makes it so coveted a thing? I desire it more than I've ever realized.

I sometimes think that God has kept everything back because of His love for me. He doesn't want me to become arrogant/self-righteous/idolatrous, which will happen if things go the way that I want. I guess in that case, He'll always keep everything back for a very long time.

Regardless of what reality is, it is so much more apparent why humility wins over arrogance... Oh God, who am I to ever think more of myself than what I really am?

From Eddie's site:

"Someone attempted suicide at Hopkins House today... She jumped from her balcony on the 6th floor and now she's on life support ...And it happened on Valentine's Day!"

What the heck is going on here? This the third time in the past year. What's going down at my alma mater?

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I've read so many bitter posts about Valentine's Day. How sad that I read more of them than ones that are happy about Valentine's Day.

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It is funny to be listening to Matt Redman's "Wonderful Maker" and have the next song on my Winamp playlist to be The Clash's "Should I Stay or Should I Go." Ah, the contrast is like day and night. :-)

"Elementary Valentines"

When I was in elementary school, it was mandatory to bring in St. Valentine's Day Cards for everyone in the class. I think starting from the second grade, my mom in her desire to stoke my creative side forced me to make them all on my own. Oh, the drudgery of cutting out heart after heart from pink or red paper, pasting piece after piece... the horror. It really stunk that I had to make it for the girls I didn't like and for any guy at all.

Ok, so I was a peevish little brat. But man, after making 24 cards the night before Valentine's Day, you'd be annoyed as well. They never even looked as good as the store-bought ones, for starters. Well, I guess nowadays, I would go that route for girl of interest, but at that age, kids don't care about the effort you put in it. They always said it looked ugly and they'd rather have Snoopy.

*grumble*

Happy St. Valentine's Day, everyone. Hopefully, if you're not single like me, you'll have a good time with your significant other. As for the rest of us... are any of you eligible sisters in Christ out there interested in going on a date with me? HAHAHAHA. Just kidding.

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Along the lines of yesterday's post, I have been meditating upon Micah lately. I found this passage to be really helpful:

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness. Then my enemy will see it and will be covered with shame, she who said to me, "Where is the LORD your God?"
My eyes will see her downfall; even now she will be trampled underfoot like mire in the streets." — Micah 7:7-10

I've already messed up a lot the past few days, but I will keep striving.

"Psalm 1: The Roots of Change"

When trying to change life-patterns, I find two ways to approach it: with a man-centered mindset, or with a God-centered mindset.

The man-centered mindset views the undertaking with the ideal of strength of self. If failures happen, it ends up with levels of frustration that correspond to the levels by which this ideal of willpower is held. Ultimately, at the end of any man-centered undertaking, if successful the effort undertaken points to praising the self. This praising of self usually leads to arrogance, confidence, and self-righteousness. It looks down at those that don't have that same measure of strength, and attributes them as having less worth as people. In this man-centered mindset, the Darwinian reality that "the strongest will survive" holds power.

The God-centered mindset vastly differs because, as the name implies, it appeals to the ideal that God is infinitely strong, and man thereby infinitely weak in comparison. When failures along the path to change happens, the person doesn't have to be as frustrated, because he or she realizes that their success is not defined by or hinges upon their efforts. Instead, those who have come to know Christ and have truly embraced the reality prescribed in the Gospel firmly believe that they will be fully made new in Christ, by the Holy Spirit. This informed faith becomes instrumental in the process of sanctification, the daily, life-long process of change brought by the message of the Gospel. Therefore, when changes in life patterns do happen after an extended time of discipline and perserverance, the individual can truly say, "It is God who brought me all the way. All credit goes to Him, for my confidence, motivation, willpower were given to me by Him." In this case, the individual is humble, truly joyous, and has a real heart of compassion for those around him/herself. Instead of trusting the efforts and ideals placed in finite man, he has tapped into the ideals and strength found in infinite God, "like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither." He may or may not experience success defined in the man-centered sense, but he will always experience real success: knowing/loving God.

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I've been experiencing many setbacks the past two days since I shared my newfound determination in life, but this time around, I will believe in the faithfulness of God and keep fighting.

There needs to be a PC version of Gran Turismo 3. The only reason I'd get PS2 is to play that game.

Well, more like, the PC simply needs a really good high quality racing simulation game like that. I still haven't played anything that's come up to that game's caliber of accuracy in recreating the driving experience. It has actually taught me how to be a better driver.

"Adios"

For you Spanish-speaking folk out there, I have a question. Is the farewell "adios" an abbreviation of "a Dios," so that when you are saying bye, you are saying "to God" to whomever is leaving? What is the etymology of the word?

Oh, wait. I looked up the etymology in www.dictionary.com, and indeed, it comes from "to God." It is synonymous with the french farewell, "adieu," and both are derived from the Latin "ad deus." Isn't it interesting that the farewell for both languages comes from a phrase wishing you to go to God as you leave?

Someone from Malaysia recently visited my site by putting "i am hungry for something more christian hope" into Yahoo.

Whomever you are, I am as well. :-)

Reading the liner notes for "Holy" album, I find some interesting things. The person that wrote them, first of all, seemed to have a fun time typing them up. The credits for each song are speckled with inside jokes and nicknames. For example:

"Calum flahdaggahdaggahdaggahdaggahschlak Rees!: Drums"

or:

"Sam 'the freestyler' Lane: coolfreaky-guitarstuff"

I also noted the heavy involvement with the Soul Survivor camp of musicians and producers in the credits. If you listen to the bass lines in each of the songs, they are really tightly and masterfully executed... and then you find that they're done by Matt Weeks, who has to be one of the best bassists I've ever heard and seen play. Listen to his work in Matt Redman's "The Father Song" album, and you will hear crazy offbeat runs that add so much to the beats. Furthermore, from a spiritual standpoint, they received counsel from Les Moir and Andy Piercy, the producers on numerous Delirious and Matt Redman albums.

Yeah, this has to be one of the best, if not highest quality work put out by Vineyard. Not perfect by any means —that "New Day" song is pretty cheesy....— but man, there are gems in this cd. Get it! ;-)

Eureka!

I found out that Fruityloops doubles as a VST plugin. Which means, it seamlessly integrates with Cubase, a mixing program for creating music tracks. Oh... the endless possibilities! I can do real compositions now!

"By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return." — Genesis 3:19 ESV

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. ...Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." — Colossians 3:17, 23-24, ESV

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." — 1 Corinthians 10:31, ESV

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." — Proverbs 3:6

People my age —or any other, I suppose— are always wondering what their callings are. I find that sometimes I create this romantic ideal about how I will find God's calling for my life. I sometimes expect an almost magical connection to some certain vocation, maybe some "impression of the heart," or something as simple as an enjoyment in what I am doing. However, I've come to realize that that many of us end up in positions and jobs we don't like. We get tired of what we do, we don't like what we do, we can't wait till 5 or 6 or even 7 rolls around... only to go to bed three hours later to sleep enough to wake up early enough for work.

These passages reveal a truth deeper and contrary to that naive assumption. They say that my calling is in the current places in which I work and live. They say that calling isn't necessary contextual in nature, but simply our God-ward hearts amidst our contexts. I shouldn't create man-derived imaginations of how He will work; instead, I should embrace the God-derived reality in which He placed me, while keeping my hope in the future.

God, oh God, if I am to live passionately for You, if Christ's peace is to rule in my heart, if I am to fix my eyes above, then let me do it with utmost passion and integrity in my research, my studies, my local church, my music, my friendships, and my home. I ask this in the name of Christ, made righteous by Him alone, adopted through Him alone. I ask as Your child... please supply me correct focus and Godly motivation, Father.

I am fighting as hard as I can to start doing my research. I've avoided doing it for half an year now. I've complained to everyone about my problems starting it... from my problems doing it.

God was very gracious in allowing me to survive so far, and He has been pushing me through many people and circumstances to fight my complaining, distracted heart and get focused on what He called me to do in terms of career. I don't know how I will get there, but I will get there, because God is infinitely more faithful and reliable than my own will or volition.

What I have to do:

- Keep up with studies
- Read previous grad student's paper and references
- Take out books on biomechanics
- Research orthotics design papers, products, methodologies

Just now, I thought of starting the tracklisting for a new mix. I'm no DJ, mind you, so it won't be a party mix. I want to call it the "joy" mix, and fill it with songs that elicit a strong sense of joy from me... the kind that sends chills up my back.

So far:

Deliriou5? - History maker (second half of it), love is the compass, jesus' blood. (all from the access:d album)
Vince Guaraldi Trio - Great Pumpkin Patch
Vineyard UK - Awesome God (Your Voice), I Have Been Redeemed, What a Love (Redeemer)

"Loneliness"

It has become apparent more so and ever that the habits I consider bad and life-stealing stem from a constant state of loneliness. On the top of the list are reading friends' blogs, writing in my blog, AIM, and watching TV. As you can see, most of the items on the list entail social contact on the internet. Watching TV became my escape from having to think and feel... unti I found myself hooked.

During my last semester and the summer after graduation, I found myself spending almost all of my waking hours on the computer to fight the realization that all my friends weren't around anymore. Four years of seeing or having the ability to see a familiar face conditioned me to expect friends everywhere I went. Once taken away, it left a gaping hole in the heart, so I turned to AIM and blogging because they maintained this false illusion that I was still connected with people. But as I did that, it started to blind my eyes to the Truth of the Gospel, to the facts that I was God's child, that I was now for Him, and that I was to passionately pursue knowing Him above all else. I believed the lies that promised fulfillment in human contact and physical pleasures alone.

I started to notice that these habits kept me from functioning normally towards the end of the summer. By then I tried to stop... but it was too late, for they were firmly entranced with my life patterns. And so the cycle of guilt began, and found myself unable to escape from the frustration of seeing these habits steal time away from my studies and responsibilities.

Recently, though, God has been reminding my heart about what I have in Him: victory over my self-pitying loneliness. He's reminded me that in so many ways that I cannot type here. And though I still make these mistakes, it is more apparent that He really is in control of reality, not me. I can never truly know what will happen in the future as the result of what I do now, but I do know that God is not only in control of that, but He is controlling that for my good, for His glory as the Provider for His children. From this fact alone, I can have real confidence to fight off the frustration caused by my bad habits. I can also have real peace in the firm knowledge the Creator of the Universe is giving me His attention.

"For years, experts in the mainstream have been pointing out that the US is causing weapons proliferation by its adventures since others cannot protect themselves except by [weaponsn of mass destruction] or the threat of terror."

I read Dee's link to a Noam Chomsky essay about the whole US war-mongering issue, and I'm very interested in seeing these intelligence documents leaked to the public. The author's arguments are very persuasive, but I'd like to see another side to this before I can say that I will adopt them as my own. However, I am close to doing it, because like I said, I find them persuasive.

"The chances that they will allow anything approximating real democracy are pretty slight. There's major problems in the way of that - problems that motivated Bush No 1 to oppose the rebellions in 1991 that could have overthrown Saddam Hussein. After all, he could have been overthrown then if the US had not authorised Saddam to crush the rebellions."

Sigh. During the crazy times of 9/11, I prayed that the leadership of America would somehow practice Godly forgiveness and undertake more loving acts towards the countries in question. Only by doing so would the opposition would be proved wrong that America was "the devil" and whatnot...

But it didn't that happen that way, and the dissidents against America find more reason to hate us every day.

God, what the heck is going on in this world? None of us really knows what's going on. At the end of the day, we just want to have our food, water, families, and lives to maintain, right?

Why were the Pharisees the way that we see them in the New Testament? Why are evangelical Christians in America today generally derided and viewed as a bunch of hypocrites?

I believe the answer to the question is the following: Christianity in America has become tainted with the "serve-me" mentality of this culture —and human nature— and forgotten the message of Christ and the Gospel. It looks at Christ's miracles and sees them as the reason why He came. Ministries water down the message of the Gospel to say that it's only there to make you more successful, happier, fitter. In other words, instead of aligning ourselves to the message of the Gospel, we have started to align the message to us.

Then, because of this false confidence that we "know God" and will "get into heaven", Christians start to have a condescending attitude around those not like them. Preferences and convictions become absolutes, and if they see people with different preferences and convictions, they point fingers. They see "the lost" as projects and goals instead of fellow sinners in need of grace.

Oh, God, please, let there be a transformation in the visible church in America. You are doing great works in many churches in our land... bringing people back to You, in recognizing the difference between absolute and unabsolute, in seeing the reality of sin but the greater reality of Your mercy... in seeing that we are to be ultimately for You, not vice versa. Bring us back to the point of accountibility called the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that we may be more like Christ instead of trying to make Him more like us. Open our eyes to see our faults as they are, and to love those we know around us as they are. Transform us with Your message of grace and point us to You in a way that will not make us self-righteous, but even more humble.

"i am all the more convicted that women are the cause of many problems and confusions. we change history indeed. men, i do urge you to be careful of us. i would, if i were you."

— amy

as the old adage goes, "all women are evil." :-D

(ok, ok, and men are pigs/dogs.)

Last weekend was so great, so packed. I had the great privilege of playing backup guitar and singing backup vocals for my friend Jimmy's church in Philly. I got up 7 AM last Friday, after which I did laundry and packed for the trip to Philly. I caught a 1 PM train... on which a man refused to show his ID to the attendant. We ended up sitting there for about twenty minutes. This episode made me think again about something I've been thinking about lately... but this something will wait for a later entry. Jimmy picked me up, and after chilling at his place for a while, we went to the church. Funny story: in the middle of one of the songs, I took a step back the wrong way. My foot bones shifted oddly and painfully, and so I nearly fell over in the middle of that time of worship... heh. I wonder what would have happened if I did... that would have been hysterical :-)

It was a two night engagement, and I wish I could have been in two places at the same time the following day to have had the privilege to join them a second night. However, I had already made plans to spend time with Jamie from Remnant. She's a great sister in Christ with a great sense of humor, and it is sad that she is moving back to Seattle next Saturday. As a goodbye, Pika had spent quite a bit of time organizing a goodbye dinner for last Saturday; thank you so much, Pika. I had also heard about a Da Vinci exhibit at the Met, so I thought it'd be nice to spend one last time with Jamie at her —and one of my— favorite musem. After brunch at a nearby diner, we spent the whole afternoon there. The Da Vinci exhibit was interesting, but extremely crowded. We joined a tour with this guide named James Spann... he was GREAT. He presented paintings in the manner of a one-man-Broadway show... it was totally unlike any tour I had ever taken.

After tiring our feet out from 4 hours of walking, we decided to get some dessert... but realized that it was almost five. Of course, she didn't know that the dinner was a surprise from all of us, so we said our "final" goodbyes. I walked to the restaurant from Times Square, and called Andy, whom was about to go guitar shopping. Dan and Tina were with him, so it was a treat to see them as well. I gave Andy a forty minute shpiel on the world of electric guitars, after which we left for the restaurant.

Pigalle's hosted about 28 of us that evening. To my enjoyment, I had the opportunity to meet a lot more people that evening. However, I was extremely tired from the events of the past two days, so I was quite out of it. After saying my final goodbye to Jamie and temporary farewells to the rest of the bunch, I took the subway to Port Authority. While waiting for my bus, I find myself waiting behind two students... one that was about 20, the other in her 30s. I tutored them a bit in basic chemistry and calculus in the bus.

Ji Young slept over that night. We stayed up watching some TV and talking about all sorts of things. He's a great guy, I'm so glad that God brought him to our church.

I am so tired from this busy weekend, but I am glad that it is being tired from spending time with so many quality people.

"Everybody Hates Us"

I found this article off of Pat's website. I would have to say that the reason for all of stems from the fact that much of American Christianity has fumbled its grip of the Gospel... it explains on why we become more like Pharisees than Christ. Instead of intently applying the Gospel to real life situations and personal character, attention focuses on many side issues.

I also wonder about the media's intense negative reaction to media that isn't skeptical of Christ. Read this article about Mel Gibson, who is making a new Jesus film.

Personally, I have so much more to go in terms of honestly living my life in the reality of the Gospel. God, I am so shamed of my sinful tendencies. Oh, let me live a life of freedom and joy...