I brimmed with optimism and ideals weeks past, but I'm weak past the point of comprehension. I have no self-control. "Control yourself," I say, then the next thing I know it's bedtime and I lost the day. Condemnation, guilt, frustration, depression hide behind every corner. I try to corner every turn in life, but I collide into the barriers because I don't know how to drive. I am more clueless than I ever realized. Realizing ever so quickly this predicament, my emotions run high.

I look at my aimless wandering over the past week, and I wonder... what the hell am I doing with this life? Why is it so hard for me to do what I should be doing? Is God still trying to humble me and show me that all credit will definitely go to Him?

I guess, but that doesn't excuse my laziness, my refusal to study hard to "know my stuff." I've never had the discipline to perservere at anything for an extended period of time, because I'm so used to things coming quickly to me. Hence, I am the proverbial jack of all trades, but far from being a master of any. The minute I face resistance, and difficulty, I switch to an easier gear and never progress.

I am filled with so much anger right now. Right or wrong of me, but that's the truth.

"Coldplay & U2"

I've said it in a previous entry, but I believe Coldplay will become the "U2" of this generation. I believe so because they have the similar optimistic, spiritual, melodic quality to their music. You have to at least notice that they have a big following amongst Christians. I believe it is their rejoiceful sound in their thought-provoking work, which ties in very closely to the reason why U2 has such a big following amongst Christians. Alas, they don't have Christian backgrounds like U2 —click here to read the interview that shows that they don't— but the depth of their stuff will most likely influence future Christian musicians in the way U2 has done. Read this article from a random Christian reviewer; it illustrates my point.

But anyhow, I find that the similar thread between the two groups is the passion to enjoy creating and playing music. They both want to impact the world with the music they create; they both keep themselves to this ideal and avoid the pitfalls of so many musicians out there. I believe that concept is what will keep a good group alive. Not talent or bravado alone, but the passion, ideals, and sense of adventure are the guiding lights to great bands.

And so, I predict that with each solid album release, they'll eventually work themselves up to create their own "Joshua Tree." I see Coldplay's first two albums, "Parachutes" and "A Rush of Blood to the Head," as the equivalents to U2's first two albums, "Boy" and "October." Keep churnin' 'em out, boys... at this rate, in about 4 years, you'll be playing on LA rooftops and filling up those arenas.

"still small voice"

One of the most annoying cliches that describe God's voice is "still small voice." I've heard countless of people say it while growing up and to this day, it has always elicited a negative reaction in my heart. It just doesn't sound right... it makes me want to scream when I hear it, and I'm not sure why. Whaddaya mean, small?

Maybe it's because God has never spoken to me with a "still small voice." He's always been pretty loud and clear and persistent when He speaks to me; it's usually me that tries to downplay what I read consistently in the word and sense when I pray and listen to brothers and sisters.

Maybe it's because it seems to downplay the magnificence, the grandeur of God by saying that He has a small voice. I recall this conversation I was having with this girl, and she didn't just say "still small voice":

"Yeah Tim, cuz you know, God always speaks with this tiny, quiet, still small voice deep down, right? It's soooooo hard to hear!"

It made me feel really sick inside. Is this picture all God is to us? A nanny that doesn't shout but primarily talks by whispering sweet nothings into our ears, hoping that we'll obey?

I am still not exactly sure what it is that angers me about describing Him talking with "a still small voice." Where in the Bible does He talk in that fashion? He may be still and peaceful, but He sure isn't small. Is He out there to patronize us, or are we living to exalt Him? Would His voice really be "still small" if God was truly the center of our utmost attentions, passions, and desires?

"The Tides of War, the Ides of March"

I recall the soothsayer's line from 'Julius Caesar' that warned him of impending doom. It parallels the ominous cloud that school casts upon me. I'm not keeping up. I woke up late and missed the same 11:30 AM class for the second time this week, because I went to bed late in the twilight beforehand.

God is pointing me to the sinful tendencies that hold me pinned to the ground; I am praying for deliverance, perserverance, and strength to claim the predetermined victory. Not to defeat them as if the outcome is not known, but to claim victory because it will come.

Christ, be my only strength, motivation, and delight.

"Thank You, Mister Rogers"

I just found out today at the NY Times —click here for the article— that Mister Rogers died a week ago.

Mister Rogers!

Man.... can't believe it. I loved his show when I was a kid... something about the way everything he did, he really was fun.

Sentimental feelings aside, I just want to thank God for supplying someone with integrity to influence our country's children. Hopefully, he's left more of an impact than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, whom Fox have been recently trying to bring back with a new makeover of a cartoon. Oh brother.

Unsettling realization:

I am driven by competition. Competition seems to be the only real way to make me improve; I guess I am the poster child for capitalism.

I realized this trend from seeming my change of lifestyle coming from Hopkins, an ultra-competitive atmosphere, to Rutgers, a more laidback atmosphere.

God, help me.

HAHA!

Lisa Simpson Tempted By the Seven Goddesses of Upper Tier All-Female Schools

OH man, this cracked me UP.

"Free Ride! Free Ride! Free Ride... and a hot plate!"

http://www.betterlucktomorrow.com/

For you folks in New York, Los Angeles, or San Francisco, check it out early April. It's a film by Asian Americans.

I dunno whether I'd actually want to see it, since the plotline seems kinda sketchy. But, at the same time, it's the only one out there that tells about the Asian American experience in some way.

This morning, I listened to a sermon from "Future Grace Explained," an mp3 sermon cd I bought, given by John Piper. One of the standout points to me was that living by faith is living for the future, because faith is future-oriented. Immediate or long term, all of us are constantly living for the future. Everything we do such as study, work, etc. is to set conditions for the future, even when we "live for the now." In this light, it becomes clear that the Gospel, a proof of past grace, is the foundation for all hope in future grace. Christ's death on the cross happened, among other reasons, in order to buy for us everything that God has to give. So, our faith in the Gospel points us to have faith in God's promise of life in the future, instead of despairing in light of negative circumstances. Faith isn't mere intellectual assent to the tenets of Christian doctrine, it sees the real joy and life found in these wonderful truths... it sees them as wonderful, not dry and unaffecting.

There's a lot more to the message, but this part is definitely something that God's been teaching me over the past few weeks. Holy Spirit, move to connect my heart to the joys found in Christ.

Get me right here, God.

Ah, I enjoyed Smallville today.

Today, it was such a energy drain to sit through math... I found myself talking to myself out loud to stay focused. My friend in front of me actually turned around once to see if I was ok.

I think school is getting to me.

"Sleep"

It's official: I can't sleep like I used to. For the past year, I've been trying to fight my body to survive on less than eight hours of sleep on a regular basis. During high school and the first couple of years of college, I was able to do it fine. But come senior year until now, I just can't wake up in less time any more, unless I'm totally charged with adrenaline. I can't afford to sleep late as often, because no matter how hard I try, no matter how many alarms I set, I just can't get up at the time I want anymore.

Aw man.....

Last Thursday's entry from my real journal that I keep:

"God takes pleasure in putting our sins behind His back because He takes pleasure in the work of His Son... The question we must ask ourselves is, do we believe this? Do we believe the testimony of Scripture, or do we believe our guilty feelings? Only to the extent we believe God has indeed put our sins behind His back will we be motivated and enabled to effectively deal with those sins in our daily lives." - The Gospel for Real Life, by Jerry Bridges, page 64.

I see this concept illustrated repeatedly in Jesus's ministry of healing physical ailments. He healed/did miracles according to the faith of those that came to Him for help. His ministry was done in those ways to highlight different aspects of what to do before, during, and after coming to Him with our greatest sickness: our slavery to sin.

This concept helps elucidate the phrase from Romans, "the righteous live by faith." Faith does not make people righteous. On the contrary, the righteous characteristically live by faith. The righteous are those who fully derive their righteousness from Christ alone, and nothing else. They firmly believe that God has forgiven and freed them from their sin; this level of faith corresponds DIRECTLY to their motivation and determination to fight their sinful tendencies in their daily lives.

God, remind me, teach me more of these truths. Let not my heart forget. Holy Spirit, teach me this truth in my life, and in my heart, that I may live it out.

HAHAHAHA! This week's Strong Bad Email is so funny. In a part of it, you hear Homestar Runner run in and ask for the rest of his breakfast burrito to sell on an online auction.

Curious, I typed "breakfast burrito" into Ebay, and lo and behold, they ACTUALLY POSTED IT UP. HAHAHA. OH man. These guys crack me up.

This weekend tired me out. I could barely wake up this morning after nine hours of sleep. I had set my alarm so that I could get eight hours, but in my sleep I had turned it off.

God, I'm so weary. How will ever make it through this upcoming week?

****

"A chant of 'My president, my president!' rose from the crowd as the limousine bearing Mr. Kim and his wife, Lee Hee Ho, to their new residence in western Seoul slowly passed through the gates and onto the main street from the palace." - Kim Dae Jung Gets Fond Farewell as He Steps Down in Seoul, NY Times

I just thought it was funny that his wife's name is Lee Hee Ho. Hee Ho Lee. Hee Ho Kim. Hee Ho. Hee Ho. It's off to school, I go.

Ok, maybe it's just me.