I can't sleep.

****

Remember Commodore 64? While all my friends had Nintendo, I had Commodore 64. It was a game machine mostly, but it was still a computer. It had great games like Winter Games, Bruce Lee, Rambo First Blood Part 2, Double Dragon, etc. We had 2 disks full of games... loads of them.

But I also liked how it was a computer. I loved this painting program and this music program. At school, teachers used speed reading programs to test how fast we could read... I was always the fastest one :-). It really was the first versatile and reasonable computer to have, in my opinion.

I wonder what happened to it. We still have the monitor that we bought with it.

I love this new Radiohead song called "Where I End and You Begin." Rather, I love the beat, the sound. I hope this song will be on their next album, it's a bootleg —legal, the guitarist himself posted it on his site— from their tour in Spain and Portual last summer. Click here to download.

"Great Expectations 2"

I guess it is at this point that I find how feelings and commitment are related. Feelings expect commitment, and in some ways, commitment should expect feelings. While commitment can't base itself on feelings, I think commitment should push you to find your joy in the other person alone, even when things about them try to convince you otherwise (unless it's an abusive relationship). If you're commited to someone, commit yourself to finding new ways to find your joy in knowing him or her, because the strength of this commitment will render useless any temptation to stray. I hope that my relationship with my future wife will be marked by this quality, because the direction of the hearts are more important than the current state of things.

I don't know whom you are yet, I don't know if I've met you yet, but wherever, whomever you are, I hope God teaches you similar ideals in this respect... so that our respect for each other will be the real fuel for our romance.

I'll be waiting.

"Great Expectations 1"

What is the relationship between romantic feelings and commitment when you are in love with someone? Which is more important?

I've come to learn that when we have romantic and/or erotic feelings for someone, they form an expectation of mutual commitment. When reality does not meet this expectation, our hearts break in one way or the other. We enter an extreme emotional state, be it embitterment, rage, disbelief, or obsession, because our hearts cannot take rejection. This expectation doesn't necessarily have to be shared or in the context of a real romantic relationship; it could be a crush you've had for years. But make no mistake: when we fall in love with someone, we expect commitment of some sort.

It is against this backdrop where I pose the following questions. It is very possible for us humans to have feelings for multiple people, and problems occur depending on the context in which we have these feelings. So I ask, how do we keep these feelings at bay for multiple people? How do we handle our feelings when we become attracted to another person whilst in the midst of a serious romantic relationship? Once we start entertaining these feelings, we start creating expectations for whom we have feelings, but we start breaking the expectation of commitment with the current significant other. How can we feeble, fickle humans prevent such things from happening?

To be finished.

Don't believe what you hear, don't believe what you see. If you just close your eyes, you can feel the enemy....

Now it looks like this! And you can swallow or you can spit, You can throw it up, or choke on it... And you can dream, so dream out loud. You know that your time is coming round, So don't let the bastards grind you down.

No, nothing makes sense, nothing seems to fit. I know you'd hit out if you only knew who to hit. And I'd join the movement If there was one I could believe in. Yeah, I'd break bread and wine, If there was a church I could receive in.

'Cause I need it now, To take the cup, To fill it up, to drink it slow. I can't let you go. And I must be an acrobat, To talk like this and act like that. And you can dream, so dream out loud... And don't let the bastards grind you down.

From "Acrobat" from Achtung Baby, by You know who. Click here for the rest of the lyrics.

****

"Buy This Album"

Of all the albums they put out, this one had some of the most intense, scathing, and bitter lyrics. Perfect for bitter breakups and broken hearts, it helps to listen to this album during those moments of relational frustration, during those tumultous times of spiritual yearning. The lyrics alone personify these sentiments; however, the driving beats and the subtle yet wailing angst-ridden guitars personify restrained chaos and anger. It definitely matches the trouble that the band had in breaking from their stamped 80s persona. It was a product of the freshly fallen Berlin wall, their tortured desire and search for change, and a time which nearly tore them apart. They musically preserved all of the related clamor and turmoil that we encounter in each of our personal times of transition and metamorphosis, and infused it with a deep sense of hope.

Go out and buy this album. It was made during 1990, but its timeless sound will surprise you. It has pop tunes, but don't expect bubble gum simulacra of music. It's music for the soul searchers, for the strugglers, for recently graduated college students like me making the difficult transition to real life. It helped me come to terms with so many emotions and experiences last year in a healthy, honest way. It was nowhere near being the answer to my problems, but it sure helped me understand them. Get it, you won't regret it.

Yo tengo three exams on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. God, help me.

"I won't heed the battle call
It puts my back up, puts my back up against the wall"
— U2, from the song Sunday, Bloody Sunday off of the album "War"

I've posted a new welcome picture. Again, another picture from the U2 archives. This picure was taken during the War tour during 1983. Bono waved the white flag during the song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" and claim peace to his fighting brethren.

I always found that the flag in this picture waved just in the right position to look like a horse. In fact, I initially thought it was a horse, but realized it was flag.

Can you believe they were only the ages of about 20, when they wrote that song?

My posts haven't been posting for a while due to my aformentioned problem. Here, I will repeat it, just in case you're too lazy to scroll down. Someone, please help me.

"I don't know why, but for the past couple of months my posts won't update because of this common error message given by my server:

Connection lost. Broken pipe.
Connection closed by remote host.

Why does this error keep occuring? Someone please help me. The people that run the server don't know why this is happening."

"Revisiting Kid A"

I'm up late studying control systems stuff. Usually when I study, I listen to more instrumental, ambient music. Tonight, I listened to DJ Shadow for a bit, then popped in Radiohead's Kid A because I haven't listened to it in a while. I had forgotten how complex and dense an atmosphere this album creates.

The mixing on this album is astounding, as well as the musical achievement. They took elements of 90s electronica and DJ culture and fused it with rock, without making it sound like an obvious hybrid, unlike Linkin Park. Their musical art is definitely not pop, but it's a reflection and a part of the pop culture of the late 90's. I guess this has to do with Thom Yorke's involvement with DJ Shadow during the late 90's, as well as their enjoyment of Kraftwerk's music.

I am listening to it now with the ear of a developing recording engineer... I am listening to how every element is panned, processed, introduced, and taken away. I hear the basic rock elements of vocals, guitars, bass, and drums, but they're used with synthesizers, samplers, and heavy effects processing to make it a big cohesive mix to convey the meanings of the spare lyrics. I will have to do a lot more practicing... a whole lot more to ever get to this level. The same goes for equipment... phew. Thatsa lotta money.

It's easy to hate Bush and his administration. I for one don't, because to me it seems like a very bandwagon thing to do. If you know me, I try not to hop onto bandwagons... I tend to be the outsider first before I make a decision. In the case with current events, it seems to me that all the anti or pro war people develop their strongly held opinions on so little information. I for one will not take a stand unless I know as much as the Bush administration does about what's REALLY going on in the world. After all, they have thousands of spies and military specialists reporting, hopefully without bias, the facts of the situation.

So, I will not hop onto this "anti-war" bandwagon. Neither will I take the other side. I don't like war, and I know that it will cost us dearly. I have friends in the military, and so you can't tell me that I don't understand the ramifications of war. I've seen enough war films to show me the harrowing problems that soldiers have to face. But, Saddam and his crew are always acting in shady ways, and as I stated beforehand, there're things that we can't possibly know about the situation.

I respect Bush, because he prayerfully tries to tackle each day. Click to read this article, for you fellow followers of Christ that don't like Bush. At least rest in the fact that he's trying his best and trying to acknowledge God in all his ways. For those of you who don't know Christ, at least understand that Bush isn't trying to do anything for himself or any religious agenda. He's trying to seek the wisest way to handle all that he's given, and it's not easy when you have to deal with a country faced with continual threats of terrorist attacks, economic woes, crazy short Korean men running communist regimes that are trying to build nuclear weapons, and obsessed dictators that have histories of killing masses of people. Please understand that he's the one that has to bear the stress of leading and representing a whole entire country, when we can't handle the stress of our jobs.

Please understand, and pray for our leaders; then criticize all you want. Thanks.

It's been about a year since I started to keep this journal on a regular basis.

****

I am trying to change the way I lead my l life. Please pray for me. I want to be more structured and intentional with the way I use my time. I want to pursue my ideals in a straightforward way, instead of doing things out of my scatterbrained impulses. I don't think this will make me more righteous, I don't want this because I think my efforts will be a better person. I want to do this because out of what I already am: united with Christ. My pleasure will not be measured by my efforts... it will be through my efforts, either they fail or succeed.

This new direction means:

- more purposeful ways to pursue music. practicing technique for recording, guitar, and voice.

- more reading and studying for the pure joy of learning new skills, instead of the view that it is a duty.

- less time randomly surfing the net. set specific time of the day to check email, talk to friends online, write blog entry, read blogs. depend more upon phone conversations and actual real life meetings to satisfy need for socialization.

God, there are so many other things, but set my heart on truly seeking the greater joy in life. The lifestyle I've led has only brought frustration, bad grades, missed opportunities, and shirked responsibilities. I asked You to change me; I see that this is the realistic way in which You will. Do not let the evil one hinder me... give me the daily bread of unbridled motivation and purpose and action that can only come from You and doing Your will.

In Christ's name, so be it.

"Milan, Athens and Rome were judged the least safe cities in western Europe while Washington got the worst safety ranking in the United States." — from a recent MSNBC report about worldwide city rankings

I find it ironic that the city that makes our federal laws and policies has one of the biggest problems with keeping the law, compared with the rest of the country.

God, have mercy.

****

I don't know why, but for the past couple of months my posts won't update because of this common error message given by my server:

Connection lost. Broken pipe.
Connection closed by remote host.

Why does this error keep occuring? Someone please help me. The people that run the server don't know why.

"TIMOTHY: Biblical name meaning 'honored by God' or 'honoring God.'"

Will I ever learn?
Will I ever learn?
Will I ever learn?
Will I ever learn?
Will I ever learn?
Will I ever learn?

Seven times over... the question overflows.

Are You with me? Your rod and staff... will they comfort?

Am I ever going to go to these pastures? Will I ever learn?

Today was my apartment's first spring cleaning session. Ah, so nice to have things clean.

****

This weekend my email server decided to hold out on giving me any emails... until now. I checked email every day, and I never had new email until today... twenty, to be exact, dated from Thursday until now.

Most of it was junk, except for once there was a personal one from an old friend of mine from college. Ah, I love emails like these, because they are honest and spur-of-the-moment. Thanks kamy.

****

It's funny how quick the heart jumps at chances to think more highly of the self than it should. I never thought I would ever be arrogant or conceited... especially in college, when I found that everyone was smarter and more talented than I. But looking back at my childhood and post-grad, I am shocked to see myself think and act with this false idea of myself.

God, what have I become? What have I always been?

As I look through the stats of the people that visit my page, I find it interesting that a large number of people still use Windows 98. I guess it takes a while for people to upgrade/get a new computer, if they even do that.

I had a praise night at my church last Friday, a lot more informal than before. Everything went "wrong." The drummer bailed out by the virtue that he never returned any calls. The adult congregation had to use our sound system because they needed it more than we did that night. It wasn't a problem that that happened, it was just tiring trying to figuring out the technical details. I became a vegetable the following Saturday. The family went out to Chili's for lunch. Funny to see that we're all growing up.

That night, I stayed up late watching TV.

Right now I find it striking that I am up so late again. Am I a retard, or what?

Don't answer that question, it's rhetorical.

(Man, now I'm going to get it...)

Been listening to DJ Shadow as I've been studying these past couple of weeks. It has hard for me to believe that this is all done by sampling; what did he use, a sequencer? Was it done on computer? I wonder how one can do this with just turntables, if that's all he used.

For some reason, at different points throughout "Endtroducing," I kept hearing things that reminded me of my friend Stan's mixes. The kind of chords and music played... new jazz, downtempo hip hop beats, nice vocals, generally stuff I never would have heard on my own, but glad that a DJ dug them up for the rest of us to discover. I guess in that sense, a DJ can save the lives of these starving artists that never got due credit. 'Cuz you know, last night a DJ saved my life... ;-)

****

I have been losing the battles recently with dark feelings. God, please lift me above from my feelings and let me perservere regardless, so that I may not be a man swayed by these swirling winds.