People that blog and read blogs must realize:

a) What you write is public. That means anyone connected to the internet in the world can access your site and read it. Case in point, someone from Brazil left a comment on my site a few months ago.

b) What people write about themselves and what they're thinking about doesn't necessarily paint a full picture of whom they are. I'm surprised to find that I meet people who read my blog before meeting me, and they've said, "I feel like I already know you." This instance has happened to me a couple of times, and I find it interesting that people can conjure up images of whom they think I am by my posts. It comes with the territory, and it doesn't scare me, but I know it scares some people. Please be thoughtful of this fact.

c) Blogging shouldn't be a ploy to get attention; if you need it, leave your room and actually go meet people in real life. 'Nuff said.

From the original Blackhawk Down website:

"It had been the biggest firefight involving American troops since the Vietnam War. Eighteen Americans dead and 73 wounded. More than 500 Somalis dead and at least a thousand injured. All for the capture of Omar Salad and Mohammed Hassan Awale, two men who were as little known after the fight as they had been before it."

Does anything ever change with our country?

Previously, I put up a quote that Pastor Paul from Emmanuel used in a sermon: "Do you spend most of your time and energy trying to convince people that you love them, that you're a good person? Or, do you spend most of your time and energy loving them, and being good to them?"

This quote hit home, because it touched upon the concept of 'authenticity.' Why do we spend so much of our energy and efforts in order to maintain an image, instead of being that image? For example, undergrads/grads galore cheat on their exams because they want to protray an image that they can get good grades. But do they know their stuff? Are they the real thing?

It's hitting me how much my life has been more a pursuit of convincing people that I'm something, instead of pursuing to be that something: a good musician, an erudite individual, a mature brother. I've spent more time learning tricks of the trade instead of the trade itself, the equations instead of the concepts. But alas, it's all flash in the pan, and I'm seeing how that's been idolatrous, self-glorifying, and fake. I've been tested again and again through so many ways, be it through exams, relationships, etc., and I'm grateful to God for showing me the truth of my situation through them.

Now, I just want to know how God's grace is greater than my failure. I want to know how His redemption carries through all aspects of my reality. I don't want to stay in this critical, paralyzed state. I can pummel through this on my own, but it will end up in arrogant self-worship. I want God to get all the glory for any positive change in me. I want Christ to be proven right for the work He's done, is doing, and will always do for me.

So, after the last post, I went back to my books, journalled in my real journal really quickly, then went to class. After class, a cold rain had developed to my dismay. I contemplated over what I should do, and decided to brave the conditions on my bike.

Two breaks along the way didn't keep me from getting soaked, but what could I do? I called my brother when I get home to see what he was doing for dinner. We went grocery shopping, and I picked up a bike pump because my tire pressure ran low over the course of winter. I whipped up a salad, while my brother made fried chicken with crouton and bread crumb breading.

Since then I've watched some TV, played guitar, and chatted online, and have written this journal entry. My books and whatnot are laid out around me, but I still haven't touched them. What is this mental block that keeps me from starting my work? Why does there have to be a struggle in the first place? It's not a matter of subject difficulty, it's a matter of continual motivation. I started off the semester well, but over the course of time it spiralled out of control again. I want to do it, but I don't, and this frustrates everyone including myself... until now.

I'm not frustrated anymore, because I've come to see this as my pattern throughout college. I don't know my stuff as an engineer as well as I should, because I never spent real time studying all of my subjects. Most of the time, I did work and studied for exams by pulling last minute overnighters. Only on some occasions, such as Statics and Intro to C++ during my undergrad years, did I take the time to think things through and really focus on the subjects at hand. These courses were the only ones in which I received A's, though for some others I still didn't as well. Yet, I found myself intellectually growing and loving it whenever I truly studied. I made deep intellectual connections and found myself thinking in new ways; I wish I could have done this for every single course. But, for some reason, I couldn't, and don't to this day.

I see so much potential with what God has blessed me with, but so many things block me. To actualize that potential, I need to be more disciplined with my time and with how I lead my life; I can't afford to be impulsive anymore, as if I ever could. To make the most of what God has blessed me with, I have to set my heart on the important things in life and intentionally arrange my time, actions, and heart to invest in them. Since I'm caught fooling around with chat and checking my email every ten minutes, I'm a kid playing baseball with a stick when there's a bat lying beside me, a guitarist plucking a rubber band when there's a guitar right in front of me.

I want to take action to change my life, but I don't know what I can practically do to modify my behavior and habits. I've told my roommates my predicament, but there's only so much they can do. I've been asking God to change me, to live out my redeemed status with my union in Christ. This can only come as a gift from Him, but this gift comes in the form of practical change... I need freedom from this mental block, from this laziness. If I already have it, then why am I still in it? How do I change?

I've wondered for a long time why I'm too sensitive to how I feel. This hypersensitivity leads me to come up with ideas very quickly, but I end up becoming unfocused because I try to pursue too many things at one time.

After praying and thinking about it, the only way I can combat this is by slowing my mind down and learning the discipline of patience. I have to learn how to sit down, think out my visions and ideals, and realize that travelling the road to their actualization takes hope, perserverance, and patience. For those of you whom are fellow brothers and sisters and Christ, please pray that God may continually train me to slow my mind down, think things through, and pursue things with a deeper sense of vision, determination and patience.

Thanks, that would be much appreciated.

The following joke reminded me of Danny Dokko:

"Didja heard there are no Wal-Marts or K-Marts left in Iraq?

They've all become Targets."

Thinking about a lot of things that I talked about, listened to, and experienced the past couple of weeks. I don't have time to flesh anything out right now, but here's the gist. Two weeks ago, I heard a quote during a sermon by Reverend Paul Kim from Emmanuel, whom was on Rutgers campus to give a message to a Christian gathering. He said something to the effect of, "Do you spend most of your time and energy trying to convince people that you love them, that you're a good person? Or, do you spend most of your time and energy loving them, and being good to them?"

I'll post my thoughts later, but there's a line waiting behind me to use this computer.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BS!!



This post is a birthday tribute to a great brother from my college days. I lived with him sophomore year; we had some good talks then, and he even helped organize getting me a really nice birthday present back then. He may have a gruff exterior, but he's one of the most caring brothers you can know. A dependable, God-loving brother in Christ, with a passion for Korean popstars: 'nuff said. It is unfathomable to me how the ladies aren't all over him. Go get him, before he ships off to med school!!!

Much love, grandma. I mean, BS. :-D

*3/26 edit*

I replaced the picture, since the joke is now over.

Amidst people brightening my birthday with their wishes and whatnot, for which I am immeasurably grateful, I can't escape this cloud of anxiety about the state of our world:

1) The war in Iraq and against terrorism is really a war against an ideal. How do you fight an ideal? I read this recent article from the New York Times Magazine about Sayyid Qutb, a 20th century Muslim philosopher whose tenets formed the extremist Islam roots of the Al Queda terrorist movement. As I read this article, I felt a pit form in my stomach. If a Muslim held to these extremist interpretations of the Quran, I could see how he can turn it into a cause worthy of martyrdom. When you get people at this level, the battles they wage will be fiercer due to their removal of self-consciousness. American soldiers come from a myriad of backgrounds, so the ideal for which they fight is the "American experiment" of democracy. The battles will be won by whomever has a greater ownership of their respective ideals... will our soldiers have the same ferocious passion as those under the Al Queda or Hussein regimes?

2) The North Korean problem extends along the same vein as part one. I've read and heard about how this country has been sneaking propaganda and spies into South Korea for the past decade in order to mold and influence young South Koreans to their cause. Is it safe to say that the current anti-American sentiment in South Korea has some root in those surreptitious schemes? This generation is the generation that won't remember the Korean War, that won't remember the sacrifice America made to protect them and their way of life from the invading Chinese and North Korean armies.

If we do end up having to fight North Korea, how will American soldiers fight against the North Korean soldiers... people that have been programmed all their lives to live and die for the idea of their government? Then again, is the second generalization accurate? I don't know.

All in all, I have an uneasiness that the ideals with which we're waging war have anti-US sentiments deeply embedded within them. How can we ever fight and win against ideas?

3) It scares me that the Qutb philosophy is directly opposed to Judaism and Christianity. Its train of logic derives from Islamic assumption that the Christian accounts were distorted and wrong, that Muhammad's divine prophecy came to correct them: "A series of Christian religious councils adopted what Qutb thought to be irrational principles on Christianity's behalf -- principles regarding the nature of Jesus, the Eucharist, transubstantiation and other questions, all of which were, in Qutb's view, 'absolutely incomprehensible, inconceivable and incredible.'" This calls to mind how the Gospel is foolishness to the perishing. This man's misunderstanding and rejection of Christ and of the Gospel led to his strongly formed opinions about the separation between church and state. His revulsion to this dichotomy seems to form much of the motivation he had to come up with his ideas. However, he erroneously perceived that dichotomy to be a central statement of Christianity...

Yet, it does have a function. How do we who are in Christ, we whom are regenerated, live meaningful lives in this world? How do we view the core issues to which Qutb so strongly reacted? The only way we can countermand Qutb's philsophy is to address the deepest roots of his assumptions made for all of his thoughts...

Jesus, for my birthday, please move me closer to Your Truth, that I may live fully motivated by the freedom from sin, a freedom found in my unity with You...

"Spring Break"

This break was the best break I've ever had. I saw Les Mis (and saw it with a cool person, to boot), saw old friends, and had many meaningful, thought-provoking conversations. It was bliss to go to a place where everybody knew my name and where I didn't have to do anything to establish a deep connection. I met many great new people as well and am excited to develop our friendships in the future.

The only bummer was that in my aging state, I can't function as well with so little sleep. I kept falling asleep during conversations in car rides yesterday and during Pastor Iggi's sermon this morning. Argghh! I'm getting old!

All in all, this trip was the best birthday present I had received from God. It refreshed me and renewed my hope and motivation to work harder at my studies. Thanks to all who gave me their rebukes and encouragements, for the birthday wishes, for the love.

One love.