The only real dream I would say I've seen in my mind has been of me on a stage leading a vibrant stadium of people through some sort of energized song. I would have this technical monstrosity of a setup that melded sound and light to present an intricate piece of art, but not in a way that echoes this media saturated society. It would still be totally transparent and convey the art without distraction, without involving vegetating brains. I don't care if they want to see me, I just want to lead everyone into a great time, singing along, vibin', jumping, letting go and gettin' down.

That would be great.

The drums come in. A kick that you can feel in your stomach, a crackling snare, and a shimmering hi-hat. The crowds in the right stomp their feet to the time of the kick. The crowds in the middle clap the snare. The crowds in the left snap their fingers like the hi-hat. The whole stadium has become the drumset.

The guitar chimes out an arpeggio, sounding like a brass xylophone in clarity and timbre. Bullets of sound ricochet from the ceiling, and heads turn to the sound.

The crowd sings the song, and I have the best seat in the house. I don't even have to sing, for I've dived into an ocean of sound. The audience members are the performers and I am the facilitator, but only God sits to enjoy as the recipient of the praise.

If that was all I had to do for a living, what more could I want?

Has it already been a year?

Has it already been a year from studying for my last final? Has it already been a year since I finished college with ambitions that I'll be at the top of the game by this point in time?

However, here I am, dropping out of grad school. Here I am, harboring a greater confusion about my role in life than I've ever had before. How did I get here? My visual enslavement to the CRT, the mental handcuffs to the Internet have brought my towering amibitions to my knees. Any sense of ambition has left, and I am shot through with insecurity. When I look in the mirror, I should see a confident child of God, but the visage of a lazy butterfly stares back at me and flits away in whimsy.

Where did ambition go? Where did focus go?

I come to the humiliating conclusion: they never existed.

"Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon... Everything in its right place..." — Everything In Its Right Place, first track of "Kid A" album by Radiohead.

I've been caught in a trap. I have tried to get out, only to find myself easily slipping back. I go to sleep and wake to find that 2 months have passed. I have become a modern Rip Van Winkle.

Click here if you'd like to download a bit of ambient guitar work I did yesterday. It samples the sounds I have been tooling around with lately. It slightly resembles 60s and 70s psychedelia; no structure exists, just pure experimentation. Be warned: it's loud and crazy.

I am lost, alienated, immature. I ask, what is mature?

I recently rediscovered A Tribe Called Quest. For some odd reason, I had the whim to buy their first two albums. I had listened to them a little back in the day, but not too seriously, considering the only song I recognized was "Scenario." Man, these guys were good. They were catchy, intelligent, and inventive. There's something about Q-Tip's voice over their jazzy beats that REQUIRES you to nod your head along in time. It's the music that should be playing when you're struttin' down the streets of New York, arms swinging high, lips turned up in smile. Can you kick it? Yes you can! Here's "Luck of Lucien," from their album called "People's Instinctive Travels And Paths Of Rhythm." Click here to download.

The creators of Homestar Runner (Matt and Mike, aka "The Brothers Chaps"). Just in case you were wondering whom these guys are.

I grew up paralyzed by a fear of people and constantly defined myself by their evaluations of me. My family moved every 2 years up until the fifth grade, from which I lived in Pennsylvania until two weeks before my senior year of high school. We moved back to NJ into the house where my folks currently reside.

People may call me spineless, and they may call me the typical middle child. But I was this way even before my younger brother entered the world, and I subsequently never felt like I had attention taken away from me. I had always derived my pleasure on the smiles of other people. I was the perpetual entertainer, the kid that loved to dance and make silly faces in the need to see people smile. When I had moved to Pennsylvania, I instantly found myself shunned and despised. Some of the older kids in my church made it their point to rally all the others to shun my brothers and I. I took it pretty hard every week when the leader of the pack would lead all the others to run away when I tried to join them in their games. From that point on, my personality became extremely insecure. Overcompensating acts to fill my need to be liked had always backfired, and I started to breed a strange arrogance, an odd elitist view of myself.

I began to listen to music. As time went on, I found myself adopting the stereotypical "indie rock music fan" mold in which I would shun the shallow, crappy, mainstream music for the common folk and embrace the real music for the intelligent mind: independent christian rock. I searched high and low and found bands like Dakota Motor Company, Poor Old Lu and Sixpence None the Richer, bands of the ilk that none had ever heard.

I still had conceded, though, and listened to the good mainstream music out there: The Fugees, Oasis, The Goo Goo Dolls, REM, PM Dawn. At least, I began to listen to the things that I felt had the edge of artistry that crappy pop like the Spice Girls didn't have. Over time and up until this day, I found that my hunger for good music has only grown, sometimes to the level in which I would lose countless hours of sleep listening to and making it.

Yet, here I am, unable to find my purpose, only seeing how far my insecurity controls my actions and inactions. I grew up paralyzed by fear, and I'm still paralyzed. God's been gracious in bringing me to this point despite myself, but now I must find my new springboard. I am now in the position to find my true destiny, the career for which I've been made.

God, eradicate trust/distrust in myself. Eradicate fear of man. Eradicate trepidation and replace it with boldness, with confidence, with vision, with direction from Christ.