I went on a personal retreat from Tuesday morning to Thursday afternoon, to explain my absence. The retreat contained absolute silence; humorously obese and tame squirrels; convicting readings of others' testimonies and God's word; an enormous amount of sleep.

I realized that the satisfaction that I find in AIM conversations, online journal entries that touch people, and cool music overshadows, by a long shot, of the satisfaction I find in God.

I also realized how little faith I have in God to work miracles, how little faith I have in God's absolute, masterful control over existence itself. He controls the property of matter, gravity, and time. He authors history. He is absolutely in control, yet I don't live a life that shows true belief in that truth.

Today, the reality of my falling out from graduate school hit me. What am I doing with myself? Why did I have to be so weak and fall out this semester, this year? Why did I have to become a basket case? God, oh God, why have I always been so lost with pursuing Your purpose in my life? Why did I have to give in to laziness?

God, my life is in Your hands, but I just don't want to become a missionary in some remote part of the world.

"Please forgive me... every time I look at you" — Please Forgive Me, from "White Ladder" by David Gray

It is a sad thing to see that I am motivated more by jealousy than by joy, that I am dependent on people to make it through the day, that I am influenced by people around me more than I have an influence on myself.

It is sad to see that jealousy pushes me more than cooperation, that I am dependent on music to make it through the day, that I am influenced by media more than I have an influence on myself.

It is heartbreaking to see myself in defeat, because I don't even know what defeated me, because I don't know how I have become a basketcase.

Can I forgive myself to the point that all life-crippling angst and frustation has disappeared? Will I believe in Christ's forgiveness to the point in which I am filled alone with hope and joy?

Before I write anything, I want to wish Paul Han a very Happy Birthday. He is such a blessing brother to know; if you want someone with quality character, ask for Paul Han.

"Did you lose yourself somewhere out there, Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are"

Man, I was such a kid of the 90s. The Goo Goo Dolls, Oasis, the Gin Blossoms... there was this explosion of alt-rock in the mid-90s that made me realize how much I loved music. One of my favorite CDs was "A Boy Named Goo," by the Goo Goo Dolls. I specifically liked three songs: Flat Top, Long Way Down, and Name. It hooked me back then, and after listening to them for the first time in eight years, they've hooked me again.

Here I am, a washout with all motivation and purpose sucked out of me. People know me to be intense, but even the brightest light bulbs burn out. Man, I know Romans 7 well, but Romans 8?