I am a dreamer, hopelessly caught in thoughts thundering asunder.
Paralyzed, I sit here while from my life sin,
Frustration and weakness plunder
Any sense of purpose, any desire or wonder.

God is a dreamer, hurling forth thoughts like thunder
Like Zeus, but unimaginable in form and shape
Creating and calling new life, that He may drape
A blanket of praise over the bed of the universe.

Clinch this heart, Oh God, and drape that blanket over me
Awaken me from my slumber, pull me from this clay so miry
Of sin, and take the blood of Christ to purge my self-glory
I fall on my knees, arms open wide, and cry, "Free me."

"So teach us to number our days, that we may get a heart of wisdom."
— Psalm 90:12

My father's 60th birthday is coming up.

My father has lived three score, and I'm at the beginning of my second score of life. God, I am so confused and retarded concerning what I should do next. I'm still looking for that elusive job, but something inside me tells me that I'm not looking hard enough, that I'm not seeking You with enough passion. My father has spent two thirds of his life pursuing ministry in the context of being a pastor, but what context of ministry do You want me to join? Pastoral? The working world? Missions? Music?

I have been learning that even if I did know what God wanted to do with my life, I still would have no idea how to get there. From looking at Joseph's life in Genesis, it seems that even if we know our calling in life, we must firmly grasp our Calling... the Call of the Father for His children to return to Him.

I know that I deeply need to respond to God's Call, but will I?

"I will be with you again!"
— "New Year's Day", from War, by U2

This song clinched my desire to explore U2's trove of music. I was taken in by the piano melodies in minor key, the wailing but unobtrusive guitar solos, the complex soundscape, the unforgettable bass lines, and Bono's emotional pleas. This song encapsulates all the key elements of U2; give it a good listen or three, and you'll see what I mean.

Click Here to Download.

"Oh no! I see... a spider web is tangled up with me!" — "Trouble", from Parachutes, by Coldplay

I went to One Day 2003 expecting and thinking that I would hear God. God did indeed speak, but He didn't do it in the same way as He did through the last One Day. He used the last One Day to revolutionize my spiritual outlook; it led me to a path to I realize that God's passion for His glory has deep ramifications throughout every aspect of reality and every way we understand and interact with it. Thus, I expected a similar revolution to occur, but I found that I already "knew" what the speakers talked about.

Instead, God showed me the reality of my ignorance of what I knew, of what messages the One Day organizers hoped to convey. Although I knew everything in my mind, the emptiness and disconnection in my heart made me realize the ignorance of my spirit, my heart, and my soul. The song lyrics used throughout worship left me hesistant in singing along, because I saw a deep rift between what they stated and my actual attitude and heart in my daily life. Yes, worship is only true worship because of Christ alone. However, this worship authenticates itself in our experience through our lives, and I'm realizing that I've slipped in my true heart of worship over the past couple of years.

God's already throwing many new curveballs into my life. I am starting to endure those thoughts that tell me to shut down again, that say that I'm a failure and that I won't make it. If there's anything I got out of this past weekend trip, it's to FINALLY START BELIEVING that God is true, God is righteous, and God will always keep His promises. I haven't really believed it in my heart to the point that these beliefs shaped my attitudes and choices in life. Instead, I let circumstances, bodily needs and wants, and fear shape my attitudes and choices in life.

Holy Spirit, in Jesus' name, I ask that you connect my heart to Your Promises, to Yourself.

Back from One Day 2003, which was in Texas.

Much to tell.

Will tell later.