Here's a track with a very European feel by Stereolab, a band that I liked from high school. GChang, this one's for you; the lady sings in French!

Click Here to Download.

I can't sing, but here's a tune I bring. I can't write, but here's a story I'll tell.

I just watched "The Graduate," the 1967 with Dustin Hoffman. Man, it was good, and it's definitely something I resonate with: intense, post-college confusion that leads to actions you wouldn't do otherwise.

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God calls us in key points in our time to surrender.

Ok, the white flag is up.

Isn't it funny how we so quickly surrender to our thoughts? We are so quick to listen and to obey our personal assessments, but when it comes to hearing criticism, or simply responding to the realties of situations, we turn deaf.

I think it's not only sad, but a grim reality that many of us can't escape from this prison. Many times, it manifests itself as depression, in which negative thoughts constantly plague a person's mind to a point of utter defeat and abject mental poverty. Such is the case with me, in which self-critical thoughts have plagued my mind all of my life. Of course, I didn't and currently do not have to listen to them, and herein lies my personal foil; there are definitely elements of personal responsibility. But at the same time, it would be incomplete to ignore the crippling affect that they have on a person's life, sometimes more so than physical inhibitions.

My personal goal and prayer: to know the Light.

Drifting

Drifting on this boat, afloat
In a puddle of high suspicion
Squeezing around my vest, my chest
This jealousy becomes my affliction

Sail away, my dear,
And don't glare back and fear
Sail away, my dear,
Look ahead, and steer clear.

Drifting on this boat, afloat
On the river of high affection
Tugging my heart, tearing it apart
Torn feelings become my addiction

Sail away, my dear,
And don't glare back and fear
Sail away, my dear,
Look ahead, and steer clear.

My brother and I rented three movies and watched one tonight, "Catch Me If You Can."

I was very impressed, Mr. Spielberg. This movie was incredibly good, one of your best. Kudos.

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These past years, I have been undergoing a process of humilation, a process that has been grinding my curious arrogance, already weak will, and weak heart into a bloody pulp on the pavement of life. I'm not just being hard on myself here; everything culminated up to this point, a point where I see that I have no sense of commitment, and where I see my extremely self-righteous independence that refuses advice. I see that subtle arrogance that creeps up whenever I see any iota of success due to my credentials. I see that i give in to my fear of this fake reality that all is lost, that all is lost. I see that false humility that comes in the form of depression over unmet expectations of self-supposed greatness. I want God to turn me away from all of this, and I want to live a life of victory.

However, why is it that the greater I desire victory, the greater I become defeated inside? Why is it that I am still undergoing a process of continual humiliation due to my ineptitudes and myopic life patterns? Why can't my stupid heart change, believe in the freedom found in Christ, and live overcome by blissful satisfaction in knowing, obeying, and ultimately giving glory to God?

What good is it a man, to gain the world but to lose his soul? Even worse, what good is it for him to fail at gaining the world, AND lose his soul?

Christ, were you crucified for me? I still can't see it, and it frustrates me. I'm at the point of freedom. I'm at the point of spiritual breakthrough; my mind is rapidly eager to comply to your sovereignty over existence, and my heart desires for your healing, forgiviness, and freedom. Yet, my soul continues to refuse, and I'm left as a slave to my lusts. Oh soul within me, let Christ free you! Oh soul within me, put your hope in God! Oh soul within me, warm yourself to the fires of Christ's freedom! Oh Spirit of God, breathe life into this dead soul, that I may see light amidst my darkness, that I may fight and perservere with a strength not my own!

This afternoon, I read a whole book on "opportunities in music careers." It was very informative and it's giving me another perspective on what this potential path in life.

I need vehicles to express my mind and heart, but more often than not they prove insufficient to fully vent all the steam inside.

God, free me from this prison.

Whenever we meet, why do I fall apart inside?

I just happened upon KJ-52 and was pleasantly surprised by his respectful reproach of Eminem. Kudos, bro.

Click here to read his song lyrics (they played the video on TRL).
Here's another article about him.

What I Did Today:

- Practiced voice
- Gave my first guitar lesson to Andy Kim
- Watched "The Animatrix"
- Went to Flushing, NY to watch Neah Lee debut CD release concert
- Thought about a lot of things.

What I thought about today:

- Flushing is a totally different world: it is Korea in America, and going there heightened the fact that I am not as Korean as I am an American. It also reminded me why I don't like New York Korean teens that much; at least, it reinforced my stereotypes. This last fact may come as a shock to you, and I know that I will get a lot of flack for saying this, but I've only been proven wrong a scant number of times. I am repulsed by the false sense of sophistication instilled from living in New York, coupled with its resultant desensitized/snobby attitudes to anyone non-NY. I'm not alone with these opinions, either.

The good part is, these negative things can be corrected; most (but not all) college/post-college New York Koreans I know are definitely more mature, humble, and sophisticated than I in so many ways. Goodness, I feel so inadequate sometimes when I'm around these brothers and sisters.

- I encapsulated my problem: extremely independent in mind and personality, coupled with an intense self-deprecation, fueled by a desire to be praised and worshipped.
These things lead to insecure and therefore high-tension relationships, unfinished projects and unrealistic expectations in life, perpetual frustration.

- Pursuing music as a serious career path. In order to do this, I need to: take voice lessons and theory class, and eventually save up money to go to music technology school at JHU/Peabody, NYU, or Berklee; practice guitar, voice, and recording; acquire guitar and recording equipment, Macintosh with Max/MSP; establish a solid support system consisting of people I trust, resources, genuine faith, artistic vision; find a BAND, or a mentor.

- A friend of mine actually was glad for me upon hearing me say that I had left grad school. I think she's the only one that really understood me all along, which is comforting to know that someone did.

- I need a real taste of Christ.