True Strength - part 1

do you readers know what it's like to have a piercing and devastating foe around you all the time? throughout my life, i have constantly felt and heard screams like, "WEAKLING!" or "FAILURE!" thunder through my mind. they've changed in their precise wording and forms, but the overall gist has persisted. sometimes i've been able to forget them, but most of the time i've succumbed to believing them. i grew up always being the smallest kid, and it didn't help that i tried to overcompensate for lackluster physical prowess by trying to build myself to be intellectually superior or have a cooler, snooty, aloof attitude. though those pursuits drove me to develop multiple artistic talents to cope, they did little to alleviate... sometimes, they just made things worse. so here i am grown up having working on talents that haven't helped much. one thing remains: as i grow older, the internal cloud of accusation grows thicker and more insidious.

don't get me wrong - i have had very happy moments. but one can always sense that hulking menace lurking in the corner with its presence. it feels like a strange companion, and when it's barely there, i strangely and foolishly miss it.

common human wisdom, even in Christian circles, says we have to do this or that or say that "it's all about your attitude that you put on." but i ask, "how do you get that attitude in the first place? how exactly do you get your heart/emotions/desires to want to AUTHENTICALLY think in a Godly way in the first place? what made things desirable in your mind, what made you suddenly find hope in a situation when you had no proof?" honestly, from personal experience and what i see in the Bible, YOU CAN'T FORCE IT. it's all a miracle. and it becomes clear that though i tried to develop all these talents to vainly and unsuccessfully deal with myself, God ultimately has used those life choices and circumstances to show others how good He really is.

to be continued: "where has your faith brought you?"